


Strip Pokerstuck: God Tier Style

by SideAnon, undeadclown



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Card Games, Dare, Exhibitionism, F/F, F/M, First Time, Games, Homestuck Kink Meme, Kink Meme, Poker, Strip Games, Strip Tease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-24
Updated: 2012-03-25
Packaged: 2017-11-02 11:00:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 65
Words: 58,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/368253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SideAnon/pseuds/SideAnon, https://archiveofourown.org/users/undeadclown/pseuds/undeadclown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The God Tiered kids and trolls gather for a rambunctious night of strip poker. Cards will be played, clothing will be removed, dares will be performed and many a good time will be had by all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Character Selection and Hand 1

**Author's Note:**

> For those who are unaware, I originally penned this story on the Homesmut Kinkmeme at Livejournal. This was a 52 hand epic that spanned nearly five months. The real novel thing here was that the hand choices of the central character (Jade) were actually made by those commenting on the story. I had a real deck of cards and played all the hands legitimately, and I had a random number generator for the other moments of chance. The readers would vote on what Jade would do with her cards and we let the chips, so to speak, fall where they may. So I didn't know how this would turn out at the start, but man did I have a blast along the way.
> 
> So I owe a ton to all those who participated in making this story what it was. And also a special thanks to SideAnon, who penned many of the epilogues and other assorted scenes when the fatigue was starting to set in.
> 
>  
> 
> If you would like to read the thread from which this originated, plus all of the comments, you may do so here: http://homesmut.livejournal.com/11448.html?thread=19741880t19741880
> 
> Otherwise, I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing!
> 
> > SideAnon here: I'll be fixing my typing errors as Undead uploads the posts. There will be a few cases where the wording changes slightly from the original, because I'm a stickler for editing. Thanks for reading along!

Everything is ready. The scene is set. The God Tiered Humans and Alternians have taken their seats, and there is a new degree of tension in the air. Two fifty-two card decks have been combined and the game is about to start.

“Well, it looks like we're juuuuuuuust about ready!” Vriska says. A smirk crosses her face as she adjusts her orange top.

“I’m still not sure how I even ended up agreeing to this! I’m pretty sure out of everyone here I have the least opportunity to cheat, even with my trickster ways! I mean look at you guys: time stopping, complete control over all space and the ability to have power over luck. I’m like…totally outclassed here,” John says.

“Its okay, John,” Aradia interjects “We agreed to not use our powers.”

“It’s cool, bro. This is totally gonna work out awesome. Two guys playing strip poker with a bunch of hot girls in the hopes of scoping some choice ass is not something that has ever backfired in any sort of media whatsoever,” Dave added.

“Not that I’m endeavoring to sound impatient here, but are we going to sit here all night or play cards?” Rose asked.

The cards are shuffled. The first hand is about to start.

**== > Be Jade.**

You are now JADE HARLEY, the nigh omnipotent WITCH OF SPACE, freshly ascended to the DOG TIERS. That’s probably not a real thing, but you will continue to say it because you find the term cute and humorous.

You have somehow found yourself embroiled in a game of STRIP POKER with your friends. These friends also happen to be pretty near omnipotent too, but just not as much as you due to a fair amount of RIDICULOUS SHENANIGANS. Your new powers would pretty much make this game incredibly unfair if you could use them, but you have agreed not to, even though that’s kind of like being asked to turn off your ears, which are delightfully canine at the moment.

You are suddenly thankful that those ears are the only thing you acquired from your beloved guardian, because there’s a very real possibility you might have to forfeit your clothes during the coming game, and it would be extremely embarrassing if you had fur…or a tail.

Looking around the room you see that the girl to boy ratio is kind of imbalanced, so there will be a lot more naked girls running around here than boys at the end. You also remember that one of the boys is your brother, which is sort of weird. So, you’ll keep your fingers crossed for Dave. You admit to yourself that was pretty much the reason you agreed to this in the first place.

Without further adieu you decide it’s time for Operation Get Dave Naked to commence.

As the cards are dealt, you realize you’ve never played poker before and don’t really know the rules. It certainly wasn’t one of the modus’ you used during your oh wait never mind you figured it out instantly with your awesome powers. You look at your five cards:

 **6(D), A(D), K(C), 4(S), 3(D)** (Translators note: the letters are the suits)

Eeep. Okay, so not the best first hand. You would have felt more comfortable with a pair, but still an ace high isn’t terrible, and with the king there it’s about as good as a high card situation can get. You remember that because this is strip poker you don’t have to worry about winning so much as not losing. As long as you don’t have the worst hand out of everyone you get to keep your clothes for now. So the goal for now should be to build the most likely good hand, not take crazy risks for the best hand.

Besides, you still have a draw. You can exchange any to all of your cards for new ones. Which cards should you discard?

**== > Jade: Keep the Ace and King, then get three new cards.**

You figure that it would best to hold on to the ace and the king. True, getting rid of the king would give you another chance at a pair, but if your gamble didn’t pay off it could leave you with a weaker hand. You opt to play it safe.

**You get: 9(H), 5(C), 2(S)**

Well...that certainly wasn’t what you were hoping for. You guess the 9 and the 5 are slightly better than the 6 and the 4...but...not by much. Looks like you just have to hold out hope someone has a worse hand than you.

Rose takes three cards. She looks impassive...but that’s just Rose. John also takes three cards. He doesn’t look that nervous. Vriska takes three cards. She’s smirking. Dave takes four cards. Good sign. He has a poker face...like usual. Sooo cooool. Aradia also takes four cards. You feel a little better now.

“Time to show ‘em!” Vriska says enthusiastically. Everyone lays down their cards.

**You have: High card, ace high with king kicker**   
**Rose has: A pair of fours**   
**John has: A pair of fives**   
**Vriska has: A pair of threes**   
**Dave has: Two pair; queens and sixes**

Oh noooo. This doesn’t look good.

**Aradia has: High card, king high with queen kicker**

You breathe a sigh of relief. There’s a rash of giggling and catcalling in Aradia’s direction. She seems to be laughing too.

“Incoming erotic shoe removal,” Dave says with a smirk.

“Don’t be so sure...” Aradia says. She makes a show of reaching up to her face, and begins working on the hood of her outfit. After some tugging it comes off, probably a little less smoothly than she planned, and her long black hair cascades down amidst cheers.

“Pssh...no sense of shame,” Vriska says with a smirk.

“Indeed. Her hair is showing and everything. I have never been so scandalized,” Rose adds.

“Um...nice...hair, Aradia...” John says, sounding a little out of his element.

“Thank you, John.” She says, in her typically placid manner. Rose rolls her eyes at him.

“What? I mean...shouldn’t we be supportive about this?” John asks.

“Joooooohn, this is about winning and humiliation...so...of course not!” Vriska pipes up. “C’mon. Time is wasting!”

That was a little too close. You almost lost there. You silently hope for more favorable cards in the future.

It's your deal now.


	2. Hand 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second hand begins.

**== > Jade: Deal.**

You dole out those cards with rigorous efficiency. You are the dealer. It’s you. Five cards for everyone. It also means you get to draw last, but hey you got to go first last time.

Operation Get Dave Naked is still very much in the early stages, but at least you're still fully clothed too. It could be worse.

Let’s see what cards these guys want. So demanding.

Rose asks for 3 cards. She seems calm enough. The result doesn’t illicit a reaction from her. John looks downright nervous as he asks for 4 cards. He looks even more nervous until he picks up his last card and looks a little more relieved. Vriska asks for 3 cards, and they don’t seem to break her smirk-y attitude. You guess she’s pretty confident. Dave wants three cards, and that’s how many the coolkid gets. Poker face. Aradia asks for one card. Wow, that’s the one to beat you guess. Her eyes get a bit wide as she looks at it, and then she returns to her normal smiling expression.

Time to look at your cards, finally.

**It seems you have: 10(S), 10(D), 9(D), 6(D), 2(D)**

All right, a pair this time! Also...a flush draw. Decisions, decisions. The pair is the safe route, of course. The flush would be flashier and would be almost certain safety, but you’d be staking your pair on it. Ah, the choices of poker.

What should you do?

**== > Jade: Keep the 10s and the 9, discard the 6 and 2.**

You decide that’s a little too risky to go for the flush, so you keep the pair...and the 9 for good measure. You bid adieu to those precious diamonds, though you never really had a craving for such things. You are kind of craving some food right now, though. Even though being mostly immortal means you don’t have to eat, it still is fun. You could certainly go for a steak right now, seared to perfection with just the right amount of microwave radiation oh my god why are you craving that suddenly? You need to stop thinking about dog things. Let’s see those replacement cards.

**You get: 8(C), 8(D)**

Alright, neat! You’ve got two pair! You’re feeling pretty good about this hand.

“What does everyone have?” You ask excitedly. This sure is a lot more fun when you aren't in imminent danger of clothing removal.

**Rose has: A pair of 7s.**   
**John has: A pair of 5s.**   
**Vriska has: A pair of jacks.**   
**Dave has: A pair of 9s.**

Damn! You’ll get Mr. Coolkid next time, you guess.

**Aradia has: Five aces (!)  
You have: Two pair; 10s and 8s.**

But no one really notices your hand because they’re all still looking at Aradia’s.

“Whoa...is a five of a kind even a thing?” John asks.

“Technically it’s not even a real poker hand. It simply came about due to our use of a double deck,” Rose responded.

“Let’s just say it’s better than a four of a kind, not as good a straight flush,” You suggest. People seem to agree with that. Rose begins to gather up the cards when Vriska remembers the entire point of the game.

“Joooooooohn...I think you’re forgetting something...” She says teasingly.

“Huh? Oh...did I lose?” He asks, a little nervous.

“’Fraid so, Bro. And these girls are like jackals just waiting to pounce on a slice of prime sixteen year old beef, so you know they aren’t going to forget that,” Dave says.

“Uh...okay...let’s see...” John looks at his outfit. He eventually begins untying his yellow shoes, despite rousing boos from Vriska. “These kind of clash with my whole blue thing anyway,” he says as he kicks them aside. Looks like he’s got some light blue socks under them.

“Now that John has thoroughly flustered us by exposing his socked feet, I think it’s my turn to deal,” Rose says.


	3. Hand 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hand three begins.

**== > Jade: Be Excited About the Third Hand.**

You successfully manage to be excited! The last hand went pretty well, even though you’re still no closer to your goal. Still, it’s early days. A lot can happen.

Rose begins to deal out the cards, and once you have all five, you take a look. Let’s see what we’ve got to work oh wow these are kind of awful.

**You have: J(S), 10(C), 8(C), 7(H), 5(D)**

These are terrible cards! You’re pretty sure your face is showing genuine alarm here. The other players begin exchanging cards while you boggle vacantly at the cruel shenanigans of Lady Luck.

John takes three cards with a smile. Vriska also takes three, and looks even more pleased with herself afterwards. Great. Dave takes four cards. No reaction, like usual. Aradia takes three cards. She seems happy enough.

Well, great. It’s your turn now, and it seems like everyone is feeling pretty good about their hands. None of your options are all that savory, truth be told.

**== > Jade: Go For The Straight!**

Straight? Oh wow, there was a straight draw there and you didn’t even notice it! Granted, it’s not a big chance, but it could still work out alright...right? With baited breath you hand Rose your single 5. She gives you a single card in return.

**You get: Q(S)**

Well...fuck. It’s slightly better than what you had, but it’s still not great. It’s going to be a long shot to avoid stripping this hand.

**John has: A pair of jacks  
Vriska has: Three 7s  
Dave has: A pair of queens**

Stupid lucky coolkid!

**Aradia has: A pair of 3s**

*Gulp*

**You have: Queen high  
Rose has: A pair of 6s**

*Double Gulp*

There’s a bit of nervous tittering.

“I...I guess it’s me, huh...” You say, shyly.

“Don’t sweat it, Harley. Look at all this currently exposed flesh totally being all out there and impudent already. Aradia and John have totally turned up the inappropriate dial, and you’ll just be following suit,” Dave says, mostly unhelpfully.

You look at your super cute outfit.

You don’t really want to part with any of it, but rules are rules.

What should you take off...


	4. Hand 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fourth hand begins.

**== > Jade: Expose Scandalous Ear-Flesh**

You briefly consider kicking off your RUBY SLIPPERS, but instead decide to start with the big reveal. That’s right: you’re going to lose the hood. You bring your hands to the hood and begin to slowly lower it down your head. You note, with a small amount of pride, that people seem a little more transfixed with this showcase than Aradia’s. You’re guessing it’s probably the ears.

You finally finish removing the hood, shaking your long main of dark hair and fully exposing your canine ears. You absentmindedly begin to scratch behind them wow that feels way better than you thought it would.

Okay, this is bordering on serious distraction territory here. You need to stop, but addiction is a powerful thing.

Okay that’s enough.

You manage to stop scratching your ears long enough to notice that everyone is still kind of staring at you.

“I have to admit…I’m still a little fascinated by the ears…” Rose says, distracted.

“It’s like some sort of weird…anime cliché meets…real life…” John says, bobbing his head from side to side looking at it from different angles.

“What’s anime?” Aradia asks.

“Cartoons of an Asian persuasion. Anthropomorphic female human/animal hybrids are common. So are swords. And often oddball depictions of school life…” Rose adds, still distracted, bobbing her head around like John to look at the ears.

“There are also giant robots, occasionally…” John says.

“Very true…” Rose agrees.

“Well…as nifty as those ears are…I’m still wanting to get to the real skin here, so what say we keep going, yeah?” Vriska interrupts. John, Rose and Aradia snap back to reality.

John picks up the cards as it’s his turn to deal. Once everyone gets their five cards, you pick up yours.

**You have: K(H), 7(C), 6(C), 5(C), 2(D)**

It’s not exactly a great hand by any stretch of the imagination. King high isn’t terrible, but it’s far from good. The 7, 6 and 5 of clubs are an oddly uniform touch, but they’re also kind of out of place. That 2 can go jump in a lake, though.

Vriska takes three cards. She looks a little less smug than the previous hands, though. Dave also takes three. Still as inscrutable as ever. Aradia takes four, and looks a little happier afterwards.

It looks like you’re up…

**== > Jade: Keep the king, discard the rest.**

You seriously consider running with the straight flush, but you decide it’s waaay to big a gamble to risk on something you don’t have to be the best at. You give John your four cards and get four back.

**You get: A(S), Q(D), 10(D), 5(S)**

Damn, if you had just gotten a jack you would have had a straight! As it stands, though, you have pretty much the best high card situation possible. It’s not going to help if everyone else at least has a pair, but your chances are better than they were.

Rose takes four cards. You see the corners of her mouth twitch slightly downward. John takes three cards and looks pretty happy afterward. Time to show ‘em.

**Vriska has: A pair of 2s  
Dave has: Three aces  
Aradia has: Two jacks  
You have: Ace high with king  
Rose has: Ace high with jack  
John has: Two pair; 10s and 2s**

You let out the breath you didn’t realize you were holding. Looks like you made the right call. If you had gone for the straight flush it would be you stripping right now, not Rose.

Rose, taking the example of you and Aradia, opts to remove her hood, exposing her face and head in full. She runs her hand through her short blond hair and smiles a bit.

“I’ve got to say...you guys made this sound a lot more exciting than it actually seems. When are people going to get naaaaaaaaked?” Vriska whines.

“It’s part of the game. You start small, then work your way up,” you say. Hopefully it’ll be other people doing the working their way up, though.

Vriska takes the cards. It's her deal now.


	5. Hand 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fifth hand begins.

**== > Jade: Await immanent hand.**

As Vriska begins to pass out cards, you note that the game has been pretty equal so far. With each of the four preceding hands a different one of the six players had lost. To your genuine annoyance none of those people have been Dave, but maybe he’ll finally get his this time.

On that note, you look at your cards.

**You have: 4(S), 4(C), 10(D), 8(H), 2(H)**

Well, it looks like you’ve got a pair this time. Granted, it’s on the low side, but a pair is a pair. No face cards, though.

Dave gets four replacement cards. No facial expression change as usual, but given his luck he probably just picked up a full house or something. Aradia also takes four cards. She seems to like them. That means it’s your turn.

You decide...

**== > Jade: Keep the 4s, drop the rest.**

You figured your best option at this juncture was to keep the pair and hope for some better cards. You give Vriska your three discards.

**You get: 10(S), 10(C), 6(C)**

Yes! Two pair! You’re feeling a lot better about this hand now.

Rose takes three cards. John also takes three, and looks pretty nervous after his draw. Vriska takes three and looks satisfied.

“What’s everyone got?” You ask.

**Dave has: Two pair; Queens and 7s**

*Humph*

**Aradia has: A pair of jacks  
You have: Two pair; 10s and 4s  
Rose has: A pair of 6s  
John has: Ace high  
Vriska has: A pair of queens**

“Yessssssss!” Vriska says. “This is going perfectly!”

“Wow, John. Kind of letting the male gender down here, bro.” Dave says.

“I know, geez,” John says.

“C’mon! Take it off!” Vriska shouts.

“Would it help if I closed my eyes?” Rose asks, a smirk on her face.

“No...it’s cool...” John says, shyly. He reaches up and quickly pulls down his hood.

“Okay, Dave, your turn with the cards.” Aradia says.

“Alright, time to take out some fucking pens so you can all take notes on how to deal,” Dave responds.


	6. Hand 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sixth hand begins.

**== > Jade: Suspect Dave of Cheating at This Point.**

You’d like to believe that, but you know better. Dave’s just getting stupidly lucky. Of course it’s just your luck that the one boy losing more than any other person here is your brother. Still Vriska seems pretty happy about that. Rose looked pretty happy too, come to think of it. That’s kind of...that’s something you’ll have to deal with later. You’ve got your own adolescent issues to deal with!

The Coolkid begins handing out awesome cards. Soooo cooool. Maybe he gave you some good ones? Let’s see...

**You got: Q(C), 10(D), 7(C), 6(C), 3(C)**

Well, the flush draw is pretty obvious. Of course, it’s a gamble. If you don’t draw a club or anything to make a pair with you’ll likely be left with a queen high, which in this game has statically been a bad thing.

Aradia takes three cards and looks pretty happy with the result. It’s your turn now.

What to go for...

**== > Jade: Suspect Dave of planting the straight flush to bait you into stripping off more clothes.**

You fail to suspect that. You know Dave wouldn’t cheat, especially if it put you in an uncomfortable position. The Coolkid may not show it, but he’s actually a big softy.

Great, now you’re succumbing to gooey romantic feelings when you should be busy being fiercely competitive! This is a time for action! And your current action is going to be ignoring the flush draw, dropping everything but the queen, and hoping for something awesome! You hand Dave four cards. You look at the four replacements.

**You get: 7(S), 5(H), 2(S), 2(C)**

Well...at least you know you made the right call. Going for the flush would have ended up going badly for you. You did manage a pair, but it’s kind of the lamest pair ever. Oh well, someone has to have high card, right?

Rose takes three cards and looks satisfied. John takes four cards and looks downright nervous. Vriska takes a single card and looks pleased at her hand. Dave takes three cards. Moment of truth time.

**Aradia has: Two pair; Aces and kings  
You have: A pair of 2s  
Rose has: A pair of aces  
John has: Ace high  
Vriska has: Two pair; Jacks and 3s  
Dave has: A pair of 8s**

“YEAH!!!!!!!! I take back everything I said about this game being lame. It’s totally great!” Vriska exclaims.

“Oh, maaaaaaaan! Are you serious?” John says.

“I told you, dude. It’s the curse of men in strip poker games. You’re surrounded by all these women and your totally pervy scheme to see them all naked is backfiring in ways that only everyone could have predicted but you,” Dave says.

“But this wasn’t even my idea!” John says as he tugs off his socks, despite boos and hisses from Vriska. “And I don’t see you suffering from the mythical curse which probably exists in no way whatsoever.”

“I’m too cool for it, bro. I’ve only got like the noblest of intentions, so I’m being given this rad pass for being all chivalrous and shit...because I am the knight. It’s me. The good karma pile will not stop from getting taller,” Dave explains.

“Well, maybe everyone’s just cheating so you won’t lose and you won’t have to take off that hilarious Cyclops head-condom that we all make fun of behind your back,” John says, grinning.

Snrk. Okay, you let a few giggles out there. He he. Head-condom.

“Dude, shut up. It’s awesome and it’s stylish and it’s chain mail end of story.” Dave retorts.

“Plus, it’s historically accurate, as far as knights are concerned,” Rose adds.

“See, Paradox Sis knows the score,” Dave says. The corners of Rose’s mouth twitch.

“It does look like Cyclops’s head-candom, though,” Rose finishes, with a smirk. Dave rolls his eyes, and Rose puts up her hand, which John proceeds to high five. You break into giggles.

“What the hell is a condom?” Vriska asks. You feel your face get warmer. John’s seems to as well. Rose lets out a chuckle as does Dave.

“What, you don’t...well, I guess you wouldn’t huh?” Dave says. Rose, John and Dave begin making noises of affirmation.

“...because of the buckets...” Rose adds.

“...and the slurry...” John finishes.

“Uh...what’s this about buckets?” You ask.

“You don’t know about the buckets?” Dave responds, smirking. Vriska’s face goes a deep shade of blue and Aradia’s goes deep red.

“Are we seriously having the bucket conversation right now?” Vriska asks.

“You started it,” Dave counters.

“W-why don’t we just get back to the game. My deal,” Aradia says, hurriedly scooping up the cards.


	7. Hand 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The seventh hand begins.

**== > Jade: Wonder what that last conversation was all about.**

You’re pretty sure it had something to do with something dirty. Those trolls sure are weird. Whatever it was, neither of the trolls here seemed all that keen to talk about it. Oh well, back to the game.

Everyone has had a turn at being the dealer now, so it’s back to Aradia. After one complete round of hands the only person in danger of losing serious clothing at this point is John. Everyone else has socks, shoes or something else fairly minor to fall back on. Except for Dave and Vriska, who seem to have come into possession of all the luck.

Oh, that’s right. You go first this time. You haven’t even looked at your cards yet. Let’s see...oh shit.

**You have: 10(S), 9(D), 7(S), 5(C), 3(H)**

This hand is so unspeakably shitty you are having a hard time even holding it.

What are you going to do with this garbage...

**== > Jade: Throw away cards in disgust.**

You’re calling this hand a wash and getting five new cards. The other players show a knowing look, but you’ll show them. This will work out fine.

**You get: Q(D), Q(S), 10(S), 7(D), 4(C)**

All right! You knew that would happen! Well...okay, you didn’t actually know, but positive thinking works! You’re likely pretty safe at this point.

Rose picks up three cards. She eyes them as if they could be better. John gets three cards, too. He looks pretty calm. You doubt he’ll lose three times in a row, in any case. Vriska gets four cards and looks displeased for the first time this game. Dave picks up three cards, as does Aradia. Both look fairly impassive.

“Let’s see ‘em!” You say.

**You have: A pair of queens  
Rose has: A pair of 3s  
John has: A pair of 9s  
Vriska has: Ace high  
Dave has: A pair of kings  
Aradia has: A pair of 5s**

“Fuuuuuuuuck!” Vriska says. She begrudgingly kicks off her orange boots. There are yellow socks beneath. Now only one person is left undefeated. Dave. Maybe you’ve been jinxing it? Well, whatever the reason, you’re safe for another round.

It is now your deal.


	8. Hand 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The eighth hand begins.

**== > Jade: Once again be an excellent dealer.**

You successfully manage that feat, passing out cards to everyone without messing up once. As usual, you feel your technique is flawless.

Sadly, what’s not flawless is Operation Get Dave Naked, which is pretty much the opposite of successful at this point. Everyone else, including you, has managed to lose some clothing. Not him, though. Stupid stupid dumb.

Anyway, it’s time to start doling out replacement cards. Rose wants three. She seems satisfied. John also wants three. No complaints, seemingly. Vriska also wants three. That’s apparently the cool thing to do this hand. However, Vriska gives you something of a death glare afterwards. Not great cards, you guess. Dave wants...three cards. This is getting eerie at this point. Aradia...three cards. Wow, that was weird. Finally time to look at your own hand, though.

**You’ve got: K(H), J(H), 7(C), 6(S), 5(C)**

*Sigh*

You always have to work for your good hands. Why can’t you ever start with a three of a kind or something? You know, catch a break once in a while? Oh, well.

What to do, what to do...

**== > Jade: Keep the Face Cards.**

Yeah, that is pretty much the only non self-destructive course to take at this point. You deal yourself three new cards. Wow...three. It's like this number means something or...something. You know what, you're probably over-thinking this.

**You get: A(C), 1O(H), 2(C)**

Well...that wasn’t exactly what you were hoping for, but with any luck it’ll do.

“Let’s see everyone’s cards,” Rose says.

**Rose has: A pair of aces**   
**John has: A pair of 10s**   
**Vriska has: Ace high with king**   
**Dave has: A pair of 9s**   
**Aradia has: A pair of 2s**   
**You have: Ace high with king**

“Wait...” John says. “Who lost, Vriska or Jade?”

“Well, what’s the next highest card you have?” Dave asks.

“Jack,” You and Vriska reply in unison. You both narrow your eyes at each other.

“Okay...and after that?” Rose asks.

“Ten,” you reply.

“Five,” Vriska says venomously.

“YES!” You shout. You begin to dance in a celebratory fashion.

“This is probably some sort of karma thing or whatever,” John says, smirking.

“Laaaaaaaaugh it up, Pupa. This isn’t over yet!” Vriska says. Looking a little sulky, she reaches up and pulls down her hood. A large amount of black hair tumbles out. She gives a hair-flip for good measure.

Rose collects the cards. It’s her turn to deal.


	9. Hand 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ninth hand takes place.
> 
> I bet you thought I was going to say "begins" huh. Yeah...you did. You totally did.

**== > Jade: Be ready for anything at this point.**

As Rose begins handing out cards you try prepare yourself for just about anything. The cards haven’t exactly been great to you during this game. True, you’ve only lost once, but there have been a ton of close calls, like last hand.

Rose finishes dealing out the cards and you pick up yours.

**You’ve got: 10(D), 10(S), 10(C), 6(C), 2(H)**

Oh hell yes, Rose! Good Seer, best friend! Even though you know the cards are random and she didn’t actually give this to you, you’re still going to chock it up to a solid on her part. This is great! Three of a kind! It would be even funnier if you had complained about not getting a three of a kind earlier, but you’re positive that did not take place.

John meekly hands all five of his cards in. He looks a little more relaxed after getting the new ones, though. Vriska hands in one card with a smirk. Looks like she won’t be doing a threepete, either. Dave takes three cards, as does Aradia, who smiles afterward.

It’s your turn...

**== > Jade: Stylishly throw away the cards that are not 10s.**

You apologize to the 6 and 2, but they simply just don’t have what it takes to cut it in these three of a kind times. You cast them aside, shattering their dreams of greatness.

**You get: Q(S), J(C)**

Well, they don’t help in any way whatsoever, but they look a lot more respectable than that 6 and 2. Rose takes a single card.

“Okay, let’s see everyone’s cards!” You say.

“Wow...I wonder if Jade has a good hand,” Rose says.

**John has: A pair of 3s  
Vriska has: Two pair; 8s and 7s  
Dave has: A pair of 2s  
Aradia has: Three of a kind; 5s  
You have: Three of a kind; 10s  
Rose has: Two pair; Queens and 3s**

Hopy shit! It happened! Dave finally lost! And you had the best hand, no less, so it’s kind of like you did it! There is a fair amount of cheering form everyone seeing the last undefeated player lose. You cheer louder than everyone else, though.

“Okay, okay. Chill out, everyone, Damn.” Dave says. He begins fussing with the hood/chain mail/head-condom and everyone proceeds to giggle a bit. He finally pulls it off and throws the cape aside too for good measure. Dave’s hair is messy and you’re pretty sure that isn’t bugging you in the slightest.

“Clearly getting the self conscious choice out of the way first,” Rose says with a smile.

“Naw, it’s just that thing is all kinds of annoying to wear. Plus...I mean...a cape? C’mon,” Dave responds.

“I think the cape is cool!” You pipe up.

“See, totally vindicated,“ Dave says with a slight smirk.

John begins gathering up the cards for his impending deal.


	10. Hand 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Believe it or not, this chapter features the tenth hand. You may now carry on with being blown away by that.

**== > Jade: Don’t let previous victory over Dave go to your head.**

You fail to resist that urge. How could you not? Everything went absolutely perfectly the last hand. Operation Get Dave Naked is back on schedule and is still a totally viable thing. The best part is how overconfidence has never lead to any sort of misfortune whatsoever, so you feel your caution is unwarranted.

Your brother is handing out cards like the best of them, and you’re totally ready for what is sure to be awesome cards for you.

**You get: 6(H), 6(S), Q(C), J(S), 7(C)**

That’s pretty good! A pair is always nice to have. It appears your brother is totally awesome at dealing too. You laugh in the face of those who might have said your overconfidence would lead to a hilarious comeuppance.

Vriska takes three cards. She looks happy enough. Dave also takes three. Aradia also takes three cards, and seems pretty happy with the result.

It’s your turn now…

**== > Jade: Keep the pair, try for more 6s.**

You turn in your three non 6-related cards in the hopes of more 6s, or something else beneficial.

**You get: K(H), 9(H), 3(C)**

Welp...no help there. Still, a pair is pretty good. You should finish ahead of someone, at least.

Rose gets four cards, and positively beams at John afterwards. John takes three cards and looks a touch disappointed with them.

“Everyone ready?” Rose asks.

**Vriska has: A pair of queens  
Dave has: A pair of 7s  
Aradia has: Two pair; Aces and 4s  
You have: A pair of 6s  
Rose has: Full house; Jacks and 2s  
John has: A pair of 2s**

“Thanks, John,” Rose says, planting a kiss on his cheek. John’s face goes red.

“Gosh...” He says, rubbing his neck.

“Ahem..” Vriska cuts in, eying John. “I think you lost that round, John...” she says teasingly.

“Oh...wow...I guess I did, huh?” He looks at his outfit. He doesn’t exactly have a lot of options. “Um...I guess...”

John grabs the bottom of his shirt and pulls it over his head. Your first thought is that your brother seems to be a lot more toned than you thought he would be. Then you remember that his “father,” who is actually his half brother (and by extension yours, you guess), had superhuman strength capable of lifting a safe above his head. John was also able to duel wield sledge hammers at a fairly early point in the game. The God tiering process might have had something to do with it too. You’re pretty sure your body is a little different now, too, and not just the ears.

In any case, Vriska has most certainly noticed that aspect of John’s body and she is not hiding that fact. Rose has gone a little pink around the cheeks, too, you notice. Your brother the heartthrob. You’re finding that more than a little funny. You catch Dave’s eye and give a little giggle. He smirks, which for Dave might as well have been a raucous fit of laughter, so you pat yourself on the back for that.

“If you’re done ogling, Vriska, I think it’s your turn...” Aradia says.

“Fiiiiiiiine. There will be plenty of ogling time later. This game isn’t over yet,” She says as she picks up the cards.


	11. Hand 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IN A WORLD where a group of teenagers are playing strip poker, an eleventh hand will rise, and change the course of the game FOREVER.
> 
> (Note, eleventh hand may not change game in significant way)

**== > Jade: Prepare For Next Hand**

You feel sufficiently prepared. You note that the first major article of clothing has been removed, and your now bare-chested brother is looking a little uncomfortable being the only one so exposed. Everyone else still has at least one minor article left, too, so you kind of feel a little bad for him.

Vriska, however, clearly has no such feelings and seems to be at the height of enjoyment. She finishes handing out cards, and you look at yours.

**You get: 8(D), 8(H), 8(C), K(D), Q(C)**

Yes! Your luck has taken a definite upturn lately. Three of a kind. You’re all but guaranteed another hand of safety.

Both Dave and Aradia take three cards and show no real reaction to them.

It’s your turn now...

**== > Jade: Keep the Three of a Kind and the King**

You take the obvious route and run with the three of a kind to see if you can squeeze an even better hand out of it. You keep the king for good measure, though.

**You get: Q(S)**

Well that’s kind of hilarious. You just got a different queen. Oh, well. Three of a kind is still awesome.

Rose takes three cards. She doesn’t really react. John also takes three cards, and seems fairly pleased with the hand. Vriska takes three cards and smiles.

“Let’s go!” You say.

**Dave has: A pair of 5s  
Aradia has: A pair of 10s  
You have: Three of a kind; 8s  
Rose has: A pair of 4s  
John has: A pair of 10s  
Vriska has: Two pair; 6s and 5s**

John seems a little relieved.

“You’re up, Rose!” You say. Rose smiles placidly, and removes her light blue slippers from her feet.

“Geez, everyone has so many more clothes than me!” John says.

“Not really,” Aradia corrects. “It’s just you’ve lost four times now. Half of us here have only lost once, and Vriska and now Rose have lost twice. You’re just ahead of the curve.”

“Lucky me,” John sighs.

Dave scoops up the deck of cards and prepares to deal.


	12. Hand 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein a twelfth hand of poker is played  
> Another article of clothing is removed  
> And the path to true enlightenment is revealed

**== > Jade: Try and Work Out How Much Everyone is Wearing.**

After Aradia’s little speech in the last hand, you figure it might be a good idea to size up everyone else for strategic purposes.

You know you currently have six items of clothing left. You’ve got your RUBY SLIPPERS, your STRIPY SOCKS, your SHIRT, your DRESS, your HALF TANKTOP HALF BRA THING and your PANTIES. John’s obviously the lowest at this point. You’re guessing he’s only got two things left, his pants and underwear. He probably doesn’t have much of a chance. Vriska seems to have socks, her shirt, pants and likely two pieces of underwear. So probably five. Rose seems to be in a similar boat as Vriska. She’s got socks left, as well as her dress/shawl thing, some kind of leggings and whatever underwear she has. Five for her as well, probably.

Aradia seems to have shoes, leg wrappings, a shirt, pants and probably some sort of underwear, so probably six items for her. And finally: Dave. Looks like he’s got shoes, socks, his god-tier shirt, a sweater under that, pants and (probably) underwear. So six for him too. Wait...would his shades count? If so does that mean other glasses count? You suppose that could help you, though it's pretty hard to see without your glasses. John and Vriska have glasses too. Hmm. Well, we'll cross the bridge when we come to it. Besides, Dave wouldn't want to part with them until things got really dicey. And speaking of the Coolkid, it looks like he’s finished dealing. Let’s take a look at those cards.

**You got: 9(S), 9(S), Q(D), 7(C), 5(C)**

That’s a fairly high pair, there. Not bad. You’re feeling pretty comfortable with this hand so far.

Aradia takes three cards. She frowns a bit from the result.

**== > Jade: Keep the 9s.**

You decide to keep your pair and try for three new cards.

**You get: 7(D), 7(H), 3(H)**

Nice! Two pair! This hand is turning out pretty good!

Rose takes four cards, though she doesn’t seem too excited about the result. John takes three cards and seems genuinely happy afterwards. Vriska takes three cards, and seems indifferent about the result. Dave takes four cards. You are unsurprised by the lack of reaction at this point.

“Alright, let’s go!” John says. He seems to be happy for once.

**Aradia has: King high  
You have: Two pair; 9s and 7s  
Rose has: Ace high  
John has: Three of a kind; 4s  
Vriska has: A pair of 6s  
Dave has: Ace high**

“Okay, now comes the erotic shoe removal,” Dave says. Aradia cocks an “are you sure” eyebrow at him. She grabs the bottom of her top and begins to slowly lift it up. You see the bottom of her trim gray stomach, then her belly button...

Then she lets the shirt drop and kicks off her black shoes.

“Yes, it’s time for shoe removal,” She says. There’s a little nervous giggling, but there’s a little tension in there as well.

Aradia picks up the cards. Her deal now.


	13. Hand 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The thirteenth hand is played, and a new element is added to the game.
> 
> Hint: The element is not air, water, earth, fire or Milla Jovovich.

**== > Expect something unlucky for the 13th hand.**

Pssh. You don’t believe in superstitions like that! That’s such a silly notion that you can’t even really dignify it with a response. Oh look, your cards are ready. You go first this time, too!

**You’ve got: Q(H), Q(S), K(D). 5(D), 2(H)**

You see! A pair of queens. That’s not unlucky at all. Total foolishness.

So, then...what cards to give back...

**== > Jade: Keep the Queens. Dispatch the rest.**

That sounds like a solid plan to you. Hopefully discarding these three other cards will result in more Queens.

**You get: Q(H), 5(S), 4(C)**

Hello, beautiful! There’s that third queen, pretty as a picture. You could get used to hands like this!

Rose takes four cards. She seems to be pretty okay with how her hand worked out. John also takes four cards. He seems pretty nervous. Vriska also takes four cards. Pretty bad hands all around, it seems. She looks pretty happy with what she got, though. Dave takes four cards too. This could turn out pretty interesting. Aradia takes three. She smiles.

“Card time!” You say. You find it’s always you piping up when you’ve got a sure thing.

**You have: Three of a kind; Queens  
Rose has: A pair of 8s  
John has: Ace high with jack  
Vriska has: A pair of 10s  
Dave has: Ace high with king  
Aradia has: Two pair; Aces and 5s**

“Oh, man...” John says, blushing red and rubbing the back of his neck. Vriska giggles.

“C’mon, John...you can do it! Take off those pants!” She says, grinning.

“He doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want,” Rose says pointedly, looking at Vriska.

“It’s okay, Rose. It’s not that big a deal,” John says as he stands up and begins to fuss with the drawstring of his blue pants.

“I can help you out if you’re having trouble, though,” Rose says with a smirk. You can almost see the dials working behind Vriska’s eyes tabulating how many one-upmanship points Rose is gaining on her. John’s face goes even redder.

“U-um, no...I think I got it,” he says as her drops his pants and kicks them to the side. He’s wearing a simple pair of light blue boxers. You always figured the God Tiers would have special monogrammed undies or something, but you discovered for yourself this was not the case. The group breaks into applause.

“Bravo,” Aradia says.

“Well done,” You add.

“Weeeeeeeel, seeing as how John only has his underwear left, I thought I’d introduce a little something else to the game,” Vriska says with a smirk.

“Oh great, what now?” You ask.

“Well, let’s say John here loses the next hand, but he doesn’t want to take off that underwear and show off his...whatever the human equivalent of a bone bulge is. Then what we can do is...” Vriska takes out some slips of paper. “We can all write a dare on one of these cards, and anyone who doesn’t want to take off a piece of underwear can take one of these per piece,” Vriska says.

“Uh...doesn’t that mean you girls get to opt out twice?” John asks, slightly incredulous.

“John...there are only two boys here. From the moment you sat down here you were both guaranteed to see at least three naked girls. I think you can let this one slide,” Vriska says.

“I guess...” John says, going red again.

“Anyway, yeah, we all write a dare down, and if you don’t want to take that piece of underwear off you can draw one and do that instead. Again, once per underwear item. We’ll just write new ones once we run out. Also...nothing TOO explicate...yet. You have to keep on what you’re wearing. Maybe once some people get naked we can work out some more creative dares, but for now...” Vriska says.

There seems to be general agreement. The only person who’ll have to worry about it for a while is John, anyway. The little cards are handed out, and you look at yours.

What should you write...

“Oh, and no name specific dares!” Vriska cuts in. “I can’t write ‘Have sloppy makeouts with John’ or something. Say like ‘person to your right’ or ‘person across from you’ if it involves interacting with someone else.”

Well, there goes your Dave specific idea. Okay, so more general.

What to put down...


	14. Hand 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fourteenth hand is played. Can it truly be twice the hand seven was? Yes. Yes it can.

**== > Jade: Write Down Something Sexy, but Also Kind of Funny.**

Hmm. You think you can manage that. It takes you a couple of seconds, but you eventually come up with a pretty fun idea.

You write: “you have to sit on the lap of the person who won the hand for a round :p”

You’re not exactly sure why you wrote and emoticon on a piece of paper, but it seems like a natural extension of your personality at this point. You pass the paper to Vriska, who has already collected the other five.

You remember it is your deal now! You hastily gather up the cards and pass them out.

After you’re done, you prepare yourself for the strenuous duty of card exchanging. Rose asks for four cards. She seems a little more relaxed after getting them. John takes three cards. He seems calm, all things considered. You guess his underwear won’t be in jeopardy this hand. Vriska takes two cards while smirking. Her grin becomes, if possible, bigger after seeing the cards you gave her. It seems you’re being a very good dealer so far. Dave takes three cards, as does Aradia. Time to look at your own.

**You’ve got: Q(D), Q(C), J(D), 7(C), 2(S)**

Not bad! You pat yourself on the back. Nice job, Jade! You’ve been getting lots of multiple queens, not that you’re complaining.

In any case, what should you keep...

**== > Jade: Keep the queens, discard the rest.**

That seems like a good plan to you. There’s not much worthwhile in the other three cards anyway. You give yourself three new ones.

**You get: K(S), 4(D), 3(C)**

Well, nothing that special. You’re still fine, though. With six players there’s pretty much no way you’ll lose with a pair this high.

“Leeeeeeeet’s see those cards!” Vriska exclaims.

**Rose has: A pair of 9s  
John has: A pair of jacks  
Vriska has: Full house; 2s and 4s  
Dave has: A pair of 6s  
Aradia has: A pair of 8s  
You have: A pair of queens**

Wow! Not a single high card. It takes you a moment to realize Dave has lost again...with a pair of 6s, even!

“Pssh,” Dave says as he unties his sneakers and kicks them aside, showing black socks. Alright! Phase two completed! Five phases left...unless the shades count...then six! Probably!

Given that one player is already down to his underwear, the lesser articles of clothing are getting less fanfare than they did at the start. The game resumes briskly.

Rose gathers up the cards.


	15. Hand 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was seriously considering messing with you guys and naming this chapter "Hand 16" and just totally blowing your minds.

**== > Jade: Wonder what the other trolls are up to.**

You cast a vague thought to what Karkat, Terezi and Kanaya might be up to at this time. You’re not exactly sure how this became a God Tier only event. It was something about the outfits and, if you were to guess, it was probably Vriska’s doing. In any case, the game is crazy enough without adding Karkat and his persistent profanity. You’re also not sure if Terezi could even play. Could she see the cards, or alternatively, could she “see” a little too well? All that aside, it’s probably for the best they aren’t here. The prospect of being naked in front of these five is bad enough without adding three more.

Rose finishes dealing and you pick up your cards.

**You’ve got: 9(D), 9(H), 4(C), 3(H), 2(H)**

Hmm...well, that’s a decent pair. The rest isn’t much to look at, though. You guess there are three hearts, but...that’s a real big risk.

John takes four cards. His eyes get progressively wider with each card, then he smiles.

“Thanks, Rose!” He says, and then he kisses her on the cheek. It’s her turn to get a little red in the cheeks this time. Vriska’s eyes narrow.

“I’ll take three,” she says icily. She seems mostly satisfied by the cards, though. Dave takes three cards. Aradia takes four and seems happy.

You’re up...

**== > Jade: Just Keep the 9s. The rest is Garbage.**

Yeah, that’s pretty much true. Let’s see if you can scare up an even better hand. Rose gives you three new cards.

**You get: A(C), J(S), 10(C)**

Well, they’re better, they just don’t help much. Oh well, you’re still pretty confident that the 9s will cut it.

Rose takes four cards, and seems relieved at the result. Everyone lays down their cards.

**John has: Three of a kind; 5s  
Vriska has: A pair of queens  
Dave has: A pair of 4s  
Aradia has: Two pair; Kings and 4s  
You have: A pair of 9s  
Rose has: A pair of 10s**

Wow, if it wasn’t for Dave you would have lost that hand! Your hero! Your stripping hero, that is.

“This is shit,” He says.

“Apparently the BAD karma pile does not stop from getting taller,” John says.

“Just a temporary setback, Dude,” Dave says as he yanks off his socks. He he. He has cute feet.

“Suuuuuuuure,” John says as he gathers up the cards for his deal.


	16. Hand 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I take the sixteenth hand and THROW IT ON THE GROUND!
> 
> I don't need these cards!
> 
> I'M AN ADULT!

**== > Jade: Secretly Hope Dave Continues Losing Streak.**

What’s so secret about it? You definitely hope that. You now have a one clothing item advantage on him. The tables have turned. You think it would actually be pretty funny if both boys ended up being naked before the girls even started showing serious skin. You’d have to taunt them with the prospect of the game ending there.

John has finished doling out the cards. Let’s see what he gave you...

**You’ve got: J(D), J(C), 3(D), 3(S), 9(C)**

Heh heh! And the domination streak continues! Hello, two pair. You didn’t expect him to come around today, but he is certainly welcome to stay.

Vriska takes three cards and seems fine with the result, if a little disappointed. Dave gives John one card. Damn, bad sign. Oh, well. You’re still ahead. Aradia takes three cards. She seems fairly confident.

It’s your turn now...

**== > Jade: Go For the Full House!**

Oh yeah, let’s do it! A full house would be so great! So great. You give John one card.

**You get: 9(S)**

Aww, you were really psyching yourself up for that! Oh well, two pair is still cool!

Rose takes four cards. She gives a “they could have been better look.” John gives himself three cards and grins like an idiot.

“Okay, let’s see those cards!” He says.

**Vriska has: A pair of 8s**

Heh, that’s fitting.

**Dave has: Two pair; 8s and 7s**   
**Aradia has: A pair of aces**   
**You have: Two pair; Jacks and 3s**   
**Rose has: A pair of 6s**   
**John has: Three of a kind; 10s**

Rose sighs.

“Wow...I lost with a pair of 6s. I wonder if it’s some kind familial curse,” She says as she pulls off her socks. She wiggles her bare toes. Her toenails are painted purple.

You suddenly realize that Rose has discarded her last minor article. Were she to lose again, she’s be taking off a much bigger piece of clothing.

“I like your nails!” You say. She smiles.

“Thank you,” she says.

Vriska gathers up the cards in preparation for her deal. Or should you say prepar8ion?


	17. Hand 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey hey hey! Lady lady lady lady lady lady lady! I know! I know! I know! I know! I know! I know! I know! Let's read hand seventeen.
> 
> Space.

**== > Jade: Wonder Who Will Be Next.**

You suddenly realize that you are the front runner of this game at the moment. You hope this means that you aren’t about to be the beneficiary of some cosmic equality soon. You kind of a like winning.

Vriska has handed out the cards. Time to look at yours.

**You’ve got: A(H), A(S), 5(D), 5(H), 10 (S)**

Well, you guess that if the karmic balancing thing exists, it didn’t catch up with you this time. Yet another two pair. Things have taken the weirdest upturn. You’re happy, of course, but it’s starting to make you kind of nervous for some reason.

Dave takes one card...again. Damn. Aradia looks nervous as she hands in four cards. She looks more calm afterwards, though.

Your turn to discard...

**== > Jade: Go For the Full House...Again.**

Hell yes, you’re going for that! This time it’s going to work it will oh god damn it!

**You get: K(D)**

Oh well. Your two pair is more than good enough.

Rose hands in all five of her cards, and she doesn’t look all that excited by the result. John takes three cards. He doesn’t seem all that happy about his hand, either. Finally, Vriska takes three cards as well. Everyone lays them down.

**Dave has: Two pair; 6s and 2s  
Aradia has: A pair of 9s  
You have: Two pair; Aces and 5s  
Rose has: Ace high  
John has: A pair of 2s  
Vriska has: A pair of jacks**

“Apparently all those in my immediate family are having quite the run of bad luck...” Rose says, the corners of her mouth twitch slightly downward. Everyone is pretty quiet.

Rose looks at her outfit, probably looking for the best option. She finally reaches under her shawl and puts her thumbs in the waistband of her leggings. She begins to roll the tight garment slowly down her legs, revealing the smooth white skin of her thighs, then her knees, shins and so forth. She finally tosses the article aside. Because of the long slits in the side of her shawl, her legs remain at least partially viable, as do the sides of her orange panties.

John is looking more than a little flustered. Dave grabs up the cards, cool as you please.


	18. Hand 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If this were a game of golf rather than poker, this would be the final round. Alas, there is MUCH more to go on this crazy ride.
> 
> Oh yeah: this is the eighteenth hand. Which is why I named the chapter that. Yeah.

**== > Jade: Get a Mild Case of the Vapors**

Well, the game has certainly taken a less innocent turn. You knew this would happen eventually, you just guess that you didn’t really think about it all that much. Nonetheless, the temperature in the room has risen slightly. And there’s a new degree of tension in the air. The innocent fun part of the game is coming to a close.

You look at the cards Dave gave you.

**You’ve got: 10(D), 10(H), Q(D), 7(D), 5(D)**

Hmm...well for the first time in a while you’ve got more than one viable option to go with for your hand. There’s the pair of 10s, of course, but you also have a very viable flush draw. However, that flush draw would require you to give up one of your tens, so it could backfire. It could also work, though.

Aradia takes three cards and seems happy with what she gets.

Time to make the call...

**== > Jade: Go for the Flush!**

It may be a crazy risk, but you’ve had the best luck lately! It’s not like it’s going to fail you now! All you need is one diamond. What’s the worst that could possibly oh you guess that is.

**You get: 8(S)**

Okay...so now you have queen high. Huh. No pair or anything? Nope...okay. So...you’re suddenly not really remembering why you went for the flush, but oh well. At least you still have some minor items to spare, which is more than you can say for poor Rose or John. You guess there’s an off chance that someone might actually get a lower hand than you, but that’s pretty much wishful thinking at this point.

Rose takes four cards and seems relieved at what she gets. John takes three cards. He seems fine. Vriska also takes three, though she doesn’t seem too happy. Finally, Dave takes three as well. Let’s get this over with.

**Aradia has: Two pair; Jacks and 9s  
You have: Queen high  
Rose has: Two pair; Kings and 7s  
John has: A pair of 8s  
Vriska has: A pair of 3s  
Dave has: Two pair; 8s and 5s**

Well, you can’t really say you’re all that shocked. Everyone is looking at you while grinning. You remember that you’ve been leading the pack for a while, so they’re probably a little happy to see you taken down a peg.

Time to decide what to take off...


	19. Hand 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, I'm probably going to stop doing chapter summaries for now until things get a little less formulaic. I mean seriously, I don't want to overload you guys with awesome or something.
> 
> Hand 19 means it's the nineteenth hand. That was a spoiler.

**== > Jade: Remove Sweater**

You were going to take the obvious route and discard your RUBY SLIPPERS, but a different idea strikes you. You can be a little bolder, perhaps. At least this time. Maybe get a reaction from Dave.

You sloooowly bring your hands to the bottom of your sweater, crossing your arms. You see Dave’s eyebrows twitch. You begin to draw the sweater up over your head, revealing the entirety of the slinky dress beneath. You drop the garment down beside you. The top of your dress is spaghetti-strapped and your bare arms are exposed. Dave shifts slightly. Good enough for you...for now.

Aradia grabs the cards from Dave. He seems to have forgotten it’s her turn. She passes them out quickly, and since it’s Aradia’s deal you get to go first. It’s probably a good idea to actually look at the cards, though.

**You’ve got: Q(H), 10(H), 9(C), 7(S), 6(S)**

Ugh, you’re starting to feel worse and worse about going for that flush in the last hand. You have a straight draw here, but it’s the annoying kind where it has to be a specific card, rather than being the type that could come at the beginning or end. Much like the flush last time, this could lead to another bad situation. You may be more clothed than some of the players, but that doesn’t mean you should be reckless. There are still six players, so crazy gambles should be avoided if there are more sensible options.

In any case, you hand isn’t great, so what should you do...

**== > Jade: Keep the Queen, Discard the Rest**

You decide that the straight is just too much of a risk and just keep your highest card.

**You get: A(D), A(S), K(C), 5(H)**

Whew...okay, so you definitely made the right call. See? Things are back on track.

Rose takes three cards. She doesn’t seem all that pleased with them. John takes three cards. He seems okay. Vriska also takes three and she seems pretty happy with what she got. Dave takes three cards. Aradia ALSO takes three cards. You’re feeling pretty left out at this point.

**You have: A pair of aces**   
**Rose has: A pair of 4s, with an ace**   
**John has: A pair of 10s**   
**Vriska has: Two pair; 4s and 3s**   
**Dave has: A pair of 4s, with a queen**   
**Aradia has: Two pair; 9s and 3s**

Alright! That’s totally the best outcome that could have come from this!

Dave sighs and grabs the bottom of his shirt. He pulls it over is head. The bottom of his sweater underneath gets caught a little too, so you see the bottom of his stomach. Humph. You’ll have to wait for more, you guess. Oh well, Dave is all out of minor articles now.

You grab the cards. Time to make this hand take place!


	20. Hand 20

**== > Jade: Commence Dealing**

You dole out those cards like it’s nobody’s business, which it isn’t...at least not this hand. The game is coming down to the wire now. Only a few people have minor items of clothing left, and you happen to be one of them. You have two, in fact. Aradia and Vriska both have one. You’re also still not sure on the glasses situation. It hasn’t come up yet. In any case, time to start handing out replacement cards.

Rose takes three cards. She doesn’t look all that happy with them. John, however seems to like his three cards. Vriska also doesn’t seem to complain about her three. Dave breaks the combo, though, and gets four cards. Sweet, good sign. Aradia takes three...big surprise. Time to finally look at your own.

**You’ve got: A(D), A(S), J(H), 7(D), 2(S)**

Great! A pair of aces. Awesome start!

What cards do you want to get rid of, though...

**== > Jade: Keep the Aces, Ditch the Rest.**

That sounds like a good plan to you.

**You get: K(D), 8(D), 4(D)**

Nothing that really helps, but it’s okay. Your initial hand should be good enough.

“Okay, let’s see the cards!” You say.

**Rose has: A pair of 2s  
John has: Three of a kind; Jacks  
Vriska has: A pair of queens  
Dave has: A pair of 5s  
Aradia has: Two pair; Jacks and 3s  
You have: A pair of aces**

The room gets a little quieter.

“Well...I’m not exactly sure which deities of fortune I have angered, but the second half of this game has not been all that kind to me,” Rose says. “Oh well...here goes...”

Rose stands, awkwardly grabs her shawl around the middle and starts trying to pull it off of herself. The garment gets pulled to about her waist, exposing the entirety of her orange cotton panties and the bottom of her smooth stomach, showing her navel. Her arms get a little tangled, but finally she manages to hoist it off her and she lets it drop to the side. Her bra, like her panties, is orange. It seems to be more bra-like than your own. Like you, Rose is still developing, but there's enough there to definitely constitute the use of the word 'boobs.' And the overall effect is...rather cute. You would imagine John, who has gone very red in the face by this point, might use a different word.

“Y-you...look nice, Rose,” He says. She goes pretty red herself.

“Thank you, John,” she replies. Vriska rolls her eyes.

That’s two down to underwear now. You give the cards to the still blushing Rose.

This is getting intense...


	21. Hand 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The twenty first hand also brings us our first dare. Who will it involve? You'll have look a few inches lower on the page to find out.

**== > Jade: Ignore Tension in the Room**

You fail to ignore it. It’s getting pretty obvious now. It was kind of funny when it was just John losing, but now that Rose is getting pretty exposed it’s starting to hit home that everyone is playing for keeps.

As Rose hands out the cards, she looks the shyest you’ve pretty much ever seen her. It’s hard to blame her. Being the only girl in her underwear probably isn’t loads of fun. But the cards are out now and it’s time to look at yours.

**You’ve got: A(D), K(S), 8(C), 7(H), 2(H)**

Hmm...not great. To be honest, most people have at least been rocking pairs in this game and several people have lost with them, even ones as high as 6. So you hope your draw will get you some better cards. Lots of people go before you, though.

John takes three cards. He doesn’t seem all that stoked about his hand, though. You notice Rose is looking downright nervous as she looks at her hand. Vriska takes three cards. She seems confident. Dave takes four cards. He usually seems to get good ones, though. Maybe this time will be different. Aradia looks as if she’s trying to make a big decision. Finally, she tentatively turns in one card. Her face lights up when gets it.

Your turn...

**== > Jade: Keep the Ace and Hope For the Best.**

This isn’t the best hand, and there really aren’t a ton of options at this juncture, so you decide to give Rose four cards and hope for the best.

**You get: J(H), 10(C), 3(H), 2(D)**

That...was not what you were hoping for. Looks like you have to hedge your bets on the ace, then. This is probably going to be close.

Rose takes five cards and grimaces. Part of you is kind of hoping you will lose now. Everyone puts down their cards.

**John has: A pair of 7s**   
**Vriska has: A pair of queens**   
**Dave has: Two pair; Aces and tens**   
**Aradia has: Flush; Hearts**   
**You have: Ace high**   
**Rose has: Queen high**

The room goes quiet.

“Well...odds were kind of against this, but...wow...huh...” Rose seems a bit stunned. “I...don’t think I’m ready to take off the bra yet so...hand me that jar of dares...I suppose...”

Vriska grins and hands Rose the jar. Rose sighs and reaches her hand in a pulls out a piece of paper. She reads aloud.

“Sloppy m-eight-keouts with the person to your left, and then eight exclamation points,” She says. Vriska’s face falls. Rose was probably not the person the author had in mind when they wrote that dare. Whoever that author may have been.

“Oh...I guess...that’s me...huh?” John says, incredibly nervous. His face is burning red.

“Yes...” Rose says, steeling herself. She scoots in front of John, facing him.

“So how do you want to...” John says, awkwardly moving his arms to form a shape that might be construed as comfortable.

“I think it’s probably best if we don’t over-think it,” Rose says. She takes a deep breath, throws her arms around John’s neck and propels herself toward him, crushing her lips against his. John nearly falls backwards, but he manages to stay upright. His eyes are still wide with shock, and even though Rose is moving her mouth against his, it seems like his brain hasn’t quite registered what happened yet.

Finally his eyes slowly drift shut and his own mouth opens up. He awkwardly positions his arms on her shoulders, then moves them to her back. You’re pretty sure you see tongue now. Wow...that went fast.

You wonder what’s going through Rose’s mind right now...

**== > Jade: Be Rose.**

You are now ROSE LALONDE, SEER OF LIGHT. You are currently in your UNDERWEAR and you are presently MAKING OUT WITH A BOY. This is actually a first for you, and it‘s kind of a weird sensation. This isn’t the type of thing you usually fantasize about, but you have to admit to yourself that it’s not unpleasant.

John pulls you in closer and the two of you are basically pressed up against each other at this point. His hands have begun to move around your back. They’re actually getting pretty far down there...

You let out an involuntary groan. You’re kind of confused about your feelings right now, especially the ones about John specifically. Normally this is the type of thing you would like to deconstruct, but you’re not so good at that when it happens to involve yourself.

Maybe you should just enjoy the moment, though...

**== > Rose: Be John.**

You cannot be John right now. He is too far gone to be ordered around by you at the moment. He’s much too focused and seems to have his hands full...literally and figuratively.

**== > Rose: Be Vriska**

You are now VRISKA SERKET, THIEF OF LIGHT and this sucks. This game was pretty fun for a while. John was losing and about to do some fun dare when he started winning again. And then Rose started losing, and kind of flirting with him you guess. And now they’re making out.

*Sigh*

Another 8ad 8r8k.

**== > Vriska: Be Dave.**

You are now DAVE STRIDER, KNIGHT OF TIME. Your BEST FRIEND is currently making out with your SISTER, and you’re pretty sure you just saw him cop a feel. You’re not going to let that bother you, though. You are dead set on being the cool brother, and your sister’s weird relationship choices are her business. You just need to focus on something else. That’s all.

Oh look, there’s Jade. You totally glance at her in a totally casual manner that has no meaning whatsoever. You didn’t really look at her bare arms again just now and you certainly oh hell who are you kidding?

You’re just lucky she hasn’t lost much. You’re pretty sure your higher cognitive functions are closely tied to how many pieces of clothing Jade is wearing at the moment. If she was losing as bad as Rose you’d have to resort to thinking about sports or something, and given your in-depth knowledge of the subject, that thought process would probably get weird...fast.

Oh look, she’s smiling at you.

Stupid sexy Witch.

**== > Dave: Be Aradia.**

You are now ARADIA MEGIDO, MAID OF TIME. You are presently watching two humans make out, which you find is pretty similar to when trolls make out. It’s pretty cute, actually.

You happen to be having quite a bit of fun, even if this game isn’t quite as personal for you as the others. You’re luck has been good so far. You hope it holds.

**== > Aradia: Be Jade Again.**

You cannot be Jade, because Jade stopped being Rose who stopped being Vriska who stopped being Dave who stopped being Aradia.

You are now Jade Harley again, and John and Rose are still making out. They’re getting pretty handsy at this point. You guess that whole shy, awkward phase is over.

“Um...that’s probably good, guys,” You say with a giggle. John and Rose finally stop and separate slowly, just looking at each other while blushing. It’s pretty much almost too adorable.

"You...uh...might want to pick up those cards, Bro,” Dave says.

“Oh...yeah...” John says as he rubs the back of his neck. He reaches for the cards while everyone kind of giggles.

You wonder what the next hand will bring...


	22. Hand 22

**== > Jade: Analyze Atmosphere of the Room.**

Everyone is still a little giggly. That was a pretty intense makeout session, but it’s not like people are naked yet, or anything. Though...that might not take that long at this rate.

Anyway, John has finished handing out the cards. You hope he gave you some good ones.

**You’ve got: A(D), 7(D), 6(C), 4(D), 2(H)**

Hmm...well, they could be better. Could be worse, though. That’s for sure.

Vriska takes three cards. She looks pleased. Dave takes one. Humph. Aradia takes four cards. Her grin gets progressively bigger as she looks at each one.

You’re up...

**== > Jade: Keep the Ace**

Yeah, that’s probably for the best.

**You get: Q(S), J(D), 9(D), 8(H)**

Welp. Not exactly the best hand. Another ace high. Seems your luck has taken a bit of a downturn lately.

Rose takes four cards. She’s looking pretty nervous. John takes three. He seems okay. Alright, might as well not drag it out.

**Vriska has: Two pairs; 4s and 3s  
Dave has: Two pair; Aces and 3s  
Aradia has: Three of a kind; Jacks  
You have: Ace high with queen  
Rose has: Ace high with king  
John has: A pair of 5s**

Well, that’s not exactly what you WANTED to happen, but you're actually glad Rose didn’t lose again. She’s had enough trouble for now.

Frankly, though, you’re feeling a touch of HUMAN PRIDE and can’t help but notice the trolls are still pretty well covered.

If everyone’s grinning faces is any indication, though, you owe an article of clothing.

What should you take off?


	23. Hand 23

**== > Jade: Assess Current Witch-Hood Alignment, Also Remove Slippers.**

According to the rule book, your Witch-Alignment is currently “Neutral Good.” You’re not really sure what that means. You briefly consider the possibility of changing it to "neutral bad" or possibly "chaotic bad" to make yourself sound more inclined to ACTS OF A SULTRY NATURE, but it would require a ridiculous amount of evil deeds to do so, and frankly it just wouldn’t be worth it, even for the sake of a pop culture reference.

Oh yeah, you’re supposed to take off some clothes.

You decide that you’ve been wearing your RUBY SLIPPERS too long and slip them off. Actually, you didn’t really decide that, but given your options it was the best choice. Frankly, you’re still a little dismayed at the current state of Humanity’s representatives. These trolls are totally winning this game. You need to step it up! And by that you mean you need something extremely lucky to happen which you cannot influence. But it makes you feel better to be motivated, anyway.

Ah, it seems Vriska is done handing out cards.

**You’ve got: 10(D), 8(D), 7(H), 6(S), 5(C)**

Hmm...well...you could go for the straight. If you drop the 10 it would actually be an open ended straight draw, meaning you could get either a 9 or a 4 and wind up okay. Then again, you DID just lose an article of clothing, so maybe it isn’t worth the risk? You would have a 16 in 104 chance of getting the card you need, roughly 15%. Not exactly great odds if you end up with nothing. This is going to be an important choice.

Dave and Aradia both take four cards. Aradia looks kind of troubled.

It’s time to make the call...

**== > Jade: Get New Hand.**

You decide, given then unlikelihood of getting what you need, to just get five new cards and hope for something better.

**You get: 10(S), 10(S), A(H), 6(D), 4(H)**

Looks like you made the right call. A pair of 10s is not bad at all considering you went for five new cards. Lucky is not a bad thing to be.

Rose takes three cards, they seem to improve her mood. John takes four cards. He doesn’t look all that thrilled with them. Vriska gives four to herself and seems displeased.

“Alright, time is wasting,” you say.

**Dave has: Ace high  
Aradia has: King high  
You have: A pair of 10s  
Rose has: Two pair; Queens and 2s  
John has: Ace high  
Vriska has: Ace high**

Wow. Everyone kind of sucked at this hand but you and Rose. And it was Aradia who came out last. A troll again. Finally.

She makes a bit of a show of unwrapping the bindings of her feet. She gets a bit of a cheer from the group, but given recent events it's a bit tamer. Besides, that garment seems kind of unpractical to you. Finally, though, she drops the linins beside her and wiggles her bare gray toes.

Time to move on.


	24. Hand 24

**== > Totally Let Guard Down and Assume Victory.**

Oh no. You aren’t falling for that trope. This is a battle to the death...or well...the naked. If that’s a thing a battle can be to, that is. In any case, you won’t be getting complacent until you’re the last person with any modesty left. Not that you’re saying that will happen. Because, as you just mused, you refuse to get overconfident about this.

It’s Dave’s turn to deal now. As always, soooo cooool. And hopefully your cards will be just as cooool.

**You get: 2(C), 3(D), 4(S), 5(C), 6(H)**

Oh...well that’s convenient. It’s kind of nice when things are simple like that.

Aradia takes four cards looking a bit unhappy, but she brightens considerably upon getting her replacements.

Welp, it’s your turn. You sarcastically wonder what you should do...

**== > Jade: Keep the Straight, Dummy!**

Hey, you were so totally going to do that! No need for the harshness!

Dave is waiting expectantly for you to hand him cards.

“No thanks,” you say, grinning. “I’m good.” You flash him a pretty big (and what you consider suggestive) wink. He raises his eyebrows and clears his throat. Oh yeah...you’re totally getting to him.

Rose takes three cards. She doesn’t really react to them. John also takes three, and seems pretty happy. Vriska takes four, and gets a sour look on her face. Dave takes three.

“Let’s see the caaaards!” You say. It’s almost scandalous how chipper you get when you know you’re safe for a hand.

**Aradia has: Three of a kind; Jacks  
You have: Straight (2-6)  
Rose has: A pair of 7s  
John has: Three of a kind; 9s  
Vriska has: Ace high  
Dave has: A pair of jacks**

Alright! Finally some equality. The trolls are out of minor articles!

Vriska yanks off her socks quickly. Her feet, like Aradia’s, are gray. Nothing really remarkable beyond that.

This means that you are the only player left with anything minor to take off! Of course, you did already take off one of your major articles, so it’s not really an advantage or anything.

Anyway, Aradia picks up the cards. You’ll be going first this time.


	25. Hand 25

**== > Jade: Await Cards.**

You are awaiting THE HELL out of these cards. You are so ready for this hand it’s not even funny. Aradia is done already. That didn’t take long.

Oh, yeah. You don’t have a lot of time to dally either because you go first. Let’s take a look.

**You’ve got: 10(D), 9(H), 8(C), 7(S), 3(S)**

Huh. Another open ended straight draw. It’s a little higher this time. Just a bit, though. The same odds still stand. About a 15% chance you’ll end up with a 6 or a jack.

You’ve got to make up your mind quick, though...

**== > Call it a Wash. Again.**

Though this does seem a little redundant, this strategy worked for you in the past. No sense abandoning it now. You give five cards to Aradia. No cocky winks for Dave this time. You have to appreciate the irony of going from taking no cards to taking all of them, though. Actually, you don’t have to appreciate that.

**You get: Q(D), Q(C), 9(H), 4(H), 2(D)**

And it looks like it worked again! A pair of queens sounds pretty good to you.

Rose looks hard at her cards, like she’s trying to make a judgment call. After about thirty seconds, she finally puts down one card. The corners of her mouth twitch downward. Doesn’t look like she got the result she wanted. John takes one card, but seems fine with his hand. Vriska looks hard at her cards for a while. Finally she grumbles and throws four down. She smiles at her new cards, though. You guess she made the right call.

Dave takes five cards like you. He doesn’t show much in the way of reaction. Big surprise there. Aradia gives three cards to herself. She seems fine with them.

Time to lay down.

**You have: A pair of queens**   
**Rose has: A pair of 6s**   
**John has: Two pair; 5s and 4s**   
**Vriska has: A pair of queens**   
**Dave has: Three of a kind; Kings**   
**Aradia has: A pair of 9s.**

Rose goes very pale and room goes dead quiet. You aren’t really sure what to do, or what’s going to happen.

“Welp,” Dave says. “Guess what? That awesome hand I totally just put down? I’m taking that back. I think I’ll go with my original crap cards. Looks like I loose this hand. Too bad,” Dave says reaching to pull off his shirt.

“Oh no you don’t! You can’t do that! Rose lost fair and square. She’s got to strip!” Vriska says.

“She doesn’t have to do shit. Seriously, you can just step off. I already told you I’m biting the bullet here,” Dave says.

“He’s right, Vriska. You don’t have to do it, Rose. It was just some stupid fun,” John says. “Here, I’ll go instead. We can call it a night,” John reaches to put his thumbs in his boxers.

“While I certainly appreciate the show of chivalry, boys, it’s really unnecessary. You don’t need to fall on the proverbial sword out of an honorable, but foolish concern for my modesty. I fully accepted the risks when I agreed to participate. Most of us are going to be in the same position before the night is out. I’m just a little ahead of the curve,” Rose interrupts.

Dave seems to back down, though even you can tell he’s not happy about it. You’re not sure you’re happy about it, either. You did get a hint of giddiness when he went all big brother, though. You like it when he gets heroic.

“If this is what you want to do...” You say sincerely. Rose nods, with a tiny hint of her old smile.

“A-are you sure about this, Rose?” John asks.

“What? You don’t want me to?” Rose asks, arching an eyebrow.

“I didn’t say that! I mean...well...this is one of those questions girls trick guys with! I think it would sound bad any way I answered it! I’ll just say that I want you to do what you want to do. If you feel uncomfortable, you should stop. But...if you want to go on...then okay. As long as it’s your choice,” John says.

“It is,” Rose answers, simply.

Rose reaches behind her back and begins fussing with the clasp of her bra. Her hands seem a little more unsteady than normal, so she has a bit of trouble. She's putting on a brave face, though. She finally succeeds at getting it undone. She doesn’t make a show of taking off the garment. She shrugs her shoulders simply and lets it fall off. Her bare chest is exposed to the group, and even though her cheeks are beginning to redden, she doesn’t make a move to hide herself. Her breasts seem to be a bit further along than your own. Her nipples are a light pink.

John can’t seem to decide what the polite thing to do is. He switches between quick glances and trying to avert his eyes. He’s blushing pretty hard, too. Dave is making a point not to look in the direction of his sister. Vriska gives her a once-over and seems to be satisfied. Aradia looks politely interested. Probably comparing it to what a troll would look like, you guess.

“You’re very pretty, Rose,” Aradia says.

“Thank you,” Rose responds politely, trying to keep her voice as normal as possible. “I think it’s your turn to deal, Jade,” Rose says.

You start. The tension in the room is thick. It’s hard to focus. But you figure Rose would probably appreciate not being the center of attention longer than she has to. You grab the cards for your deal.


	26. Hand 26

**== > Deal Cards Quickly to Divert Attention.**

You pass out the cards as quickly as you can so people will begin focusing on them instead of Rose. Seriously, you’re setting a speed record here, even Rose looks slightly distracted from her plight.

“Okay, how many do you want Rose?” You ask.

She grimaces. She hands you all five of her cards. Yeesh, someone needs to get that girl some luck. Ironic, considering she's a hero of Light and all that. She looks a little more hopeful with her return, though. John also asks for all five cards, but he looks like he’s relieved to see what he gets, too. Vriska takes three cards, and her smirk grows. Dave takes four cards. Aradia takes three. She doesn’t react much.

You finally have time to look at your own cards.

**You’ve got: A(S), 10(C), 9(D), 8(S), 2(H)**

Well, that’s not exactly a great hand. At least you’ve got something good in it, though.

What should you get rid of...

**== > Jade: Get Rid of Everything, Help Rose.**

You almost think of keeping your cards as they are in an attempt to maybe take some heat off of Rose, but you know that once you laid down it would be pretty obvious what you did. Still, you can at least get rid of the one advantage you have. Hopefully this won’t backfire on you and give you a three of a kind or something. You give yourself five new cards.

**You get: 9(H), 8(C), 6(H), 5(C), 3(D)**

Okay, now you’re almost assuredly going to lose this one! Good thing that was the plan! Also...you suppose you could accomplish some secondary goals with this hand of self destruction. After looking at your cards you put on your best sad, puppy dog face. Something now made infinitely more effective by the ears, which you have discovered you can droop convincingly! You’re pretty sure Dave noticed that. Good, he can now feel the confusedly juxtaposed emotions of wanting to be all protective, but also kind of hoping you'll lose. Be confused, Dave. Be veeeeery confused.

Everyone lays down their cards.

**Rose has: A pair of jacks**   
**John has: A pair of kings**   
**Vriska has: Three of a kind; Aces**   
**Dave has: Three of a kind; Jacks**   
**Aradia has: A pair of kings**   
**You have: 9 high**

So yeah, you were pretty soundly trounced. Still, Rose was second worst, so it looks like you are an awesome friend after all.

Everyone is looking at you now. You’ve got to decide: what should you take off...


	27. Hand 27

**== > Jade: Attempt Erotic Sock Removal.**

Okay. You’re totally ready for this. You think. This is not a thing that will go wrong, you are sure of it. First step is to lift your leg straight up...

You do so. Your right one. In the air. In a way that’s actually starting to feel kind of uncomfortable. Your skirt slides back just enough to show some leg, and you begin dragging the stripy stocking down your shin, and then off your foot entirely. You repeat this process with the left. You then take the removed stocking and stretch it, as if to twang it across the room, however the stocking snaps back and hits you in the face. Those things have a lot more elasticity than you thought they did.

In any case, you kind of look silly now, but everyone seems to be laughing. Even Rose is cracking a smile, so you feel pretty good about your choice. Of course...now you’re out of minor articles. Just like everyone else. The game is going to get pretty interesting from here on out.

It’s Rose’s deal. She hands out the cards quickly. And you look at yours.

**You have: Q(H), 8(H), 7(H), 5(S), 3(H)**

Well...you have a bit of a dilemma here. You have a flush draw. But clearly nothing else. If you go for it and it turns up bad you could end up losing again right away, and, as you’ve just established, another loss for you will mean quite a bit more skin on your part.

John takes five new cards. He looks pretty pale when he sees his return, too. Vriska takes three cards and smiles. Dave also takes five cards. Yeesh. Aradia takes three cards and seems happy.

It’s time for you to decide...

**== > Jade: Go For the Flush!**

You suppose there isn’t harm in trying. You could end up with something decent even if the next card isn’t a heart. You hand Rose your solitary card.

**You get: Q(D)**

Well...you’ll take that! That worked out way better than it had any right to. Pair of queens it is. Rose takes four cards and grimaces.

Time to show ‘em.

**John has: King high, with queen  
Vriska has: Two pair; 9s and 2s  
Dave has: King high, with queen  
Aradia has: Two pair; Queens and 5s  
You have: A pair of queens  
Rose has: King high, with 9**

Rose’s shoulders droop.

“What the shit? Again? C’mon, we basically had the same hand,” Dave says.

“So did I,” John says.

“And yet, mine is still the lowest. I’ll take a dare,” Rose cuts in, trying to sound as business-like as possible. Vriska hands her the dare jar again and she takes another. “Hmm. This appears to be my own. ‘Save this card. If you lose again, the winner of the hand must remove the article you tried to save for you.’”

“Wait...is that allowed?” Vriska asks.

“I don’t see why not. Sounds like fun to me,” Aradia says. Vriska shrugs and seems to agree. Rose just bought herself one last lifeline. If she loses again...that’s it. You hope her luck improves.

It’s John’s deal now.


	28. Hand 28

**== > Jade: Await Your Cards Patiently.**

Okay, you do that. John is making good time, anyway. This game is getting crazy, though, and seems to have a peculiar vindictive streak for Rose. You’re not really sure why. Anyway, as previously stated any losses at this point are going to be interesting, so it’s time to look at your cards to see if you can make sure that it won’t be you in the hotseat.

**You’ve got: A(S), 7(C), 6(C), 4(D), 3(D)**

Well, you do technically have a straight draw. Of course, you would have to get a 5 for it to work, and there’s only eight in the deck. Not exactly great odds there. Apart from that your only real asset is the ace.

Vriska takes four cards. She looks at her return as if it’s passable. Dave takes three cards. Aradia also takes three. She seems happy.

It’s your turn now...

**== > Jade: Keep the Ace, the Rest is Garbage.**

Well, it isn’t garbage, exactly, but yeah you’re better off with the ace than trying a Hail Mary with the straight you probably don’t even need. You hand in your other four cards to John.

**You get: A(C), K(H), 9(H), 8(H)**

Nice! Pair of aces. You figure you’re probably safe, for this round at least.

Rose trades in all five of her cards. You consider space swapping cards with her in an act of FRIENDLY COMPASSION, but your space powers aren’t exactly subtle, and the others would complain. Well Vriska would. And Aradia would be all “rules rules rules” you guess. However, she seems a little more calm when she looks at the new cards. John takes four cards, and gets one of his textbook derpy grins on his face.

“Alright, let’s go!” Vriska says.

**Vriska has: A pair of 7s  
Dave has: A pair of 2s  
Aradia has: Two pair; Jacks and 8s  
You have: A pair of aces  
Rose has: A pair of jacks  
John has: Two pair; Aces and jacks**

“Welp,” Dave says, by way of admitting defeat. He grabs the bottom of his undershirt and whips it off his head in record time and oh hey...shirtless Dave. That’s...

He looks...you know...good...you mean...it’s not like that’s the kind of thing you’re into or anything...no. You mean...sure...you can certainly appreciate his body from an aesthetically artistic point of view but it’s not like you’re having these crazy feelings you’re trying to ignore right now or something. No upsurge of hormones in this Witch. That’s why you’re looking at that painting right now instead of Dave. That painting of the horse attacking the football player. So weird.

You guess you can spare another look in that oh god damn it. Stupid. Sexy. Strider. His eyebrows are raising behind those chill as fuck shades. You can tell he is amused. He knows he has scored a point on the Knight Vs. Witch Titillation-O-Meter, but he will not win. Oh, no. You may have won the battle, Mr. Strider, but the war is far from over.

Oh yeah and Vriska is picking up the cards or whatever.


	29. Hand 29

**== > Jade: Gaze Luridly at Dave.**

You totally perv out and ogle Dave a bit more, to the point of bordering on a double standard of how much creepier this would be interpreted as if the roles were gender reversed.

Okay, that’s enough.

He’s a very good looking boy. Yes, you are attracted to him, but for serious this is getting a little ridiculous. We all need to settle down here.

Let’s look at these Vriska cards, which you perceive as inferior to other cards, even though there’s isn’t an actual difference and you know it.

**You’ve got: 6(H), 6(S), K(S), 10(C), 7(D)**

Hmm...perhaps your snide comment about “Vriska cards” was a bit premature, seeing as how you actually have a pair to work with this time rather than just a high card.

Dave takes three cards. Three shirtless cards. Ugh, time to look at the horse painting again. Crap, you missed how many cards Aradia picked up.

Ok, that means it’s your turn...

**== > Jade: Drop Those 6s, Also Describe Dave.**

Why would you need to describe him? He’s sitting right there. You guess looking at him more analytically might distract you, you guess? That doesn’t make a lot of sense to you, but you might as well try it.

Dave’s got an athletic build for a sixteen year old. Not quite like John, who looks more like it would hurt if he punched you. Dave is more or less a runner’s build. He looks light on his feet and fast, which makes sense. Your side of the family is more stocky, more built for straight up fights. You know, fisticuffs. Scrums and whatnot. The Strider-Lalondes seem to be more about being fast on their feet and such.

Wait, weren’t you supposed to be doing something? Oh, right...the cards. You hand Vriska the three non 6s and she’s looking at you kind of weird, probably because you just spaced out for the last fifteen seconds.

**You get: Q(H), 9(D), 5(D)**

Shucks, buster. You were hoping for more than that. Well, hopefully it will do.

Rose takes five cards...again. However, she lets her breath go when she looks at her replacements, so that's good. John also takes five cards, and he seems pretty nervous still. Vriska takes four cards. She glares at them unpleasantly.

“Well...shall we?” Rose asks.

**Dave has: A pair of 7s  
Aradia has: A pair of 8s  
You have: A pair of 6s  
Rose has: Three of a kind; Queens  
John has: A pair of 2s  
Vriska has: Ace high**

John lets out a sigh of relief and Vriska scowls.

“So laaaaaaaame!” She says as she stands up. She puts her thumbs in the waistband of her orange pants and drops them as quickly as she can. There is the briefest flash of yellow panty before her shirt falls back below her waist. Even still, the shirt is still about six inches shy of her knees, so almost the entirety of Vriska’s long gray legs are exposed. She sits back down, trying to get into the least revealing position.

Dave picks up the cards. It’s dealing time, yet again.


	30. Hand 30

**== > Jade: Be Amazed it’s Hand 30.**

You have to admit, this game has gone on for a while. You guess with six people, all with plenty of clothes to take off that sort of thing would happen. Sure, it’s only been about 40 minutes or something, but it seems longer to you somehow.

Ah, it seems you have some Dave Cards ready. Arbitrarily you decide Dave Cards are much better than Vriska Cards, even though the Vriska Cards turned out pretty well for you.

**You’ve got: 10(H), 10(C), 8(C), 4(D), 3(D)**

See! Dave Cards are better! A pair of 10s. What a chivalrous gift. You’re sure to shoot him a beaming buck-toothed smile sure to melt the steeliest of hearts. He seems kind of confused, though. Sometimes you forget the dealer doesn’t really know what he or she is giving to other people. He gives you a thumbs up anyway, but it took a few seconds, like he was wondering what that crazy girl was on about. Oh yeah, other people getting cards and whatnot.

Aradia takes three cards. That means it’s your go now...

**== > Jade: Keep Those 10s.**

Of course you’re going to keep the 10s. That would be a stupid thing to not do. Those other three cards, though, who needs them?

**You get: A(S), K(D), J(H)**

Oh well. A pair of 10s is still pretty good.

Rose takes two cards. She seems pretty happy. John takes three, he looks relieved at what he gets. Vriska takes three cards and looks indifferent. Dave takes three cards.

“Okay, everyone. Show ‘em,” Dave says.

**Aradia has: A pair of 10s**   
**You have: A pair of 10s**   
**Rose has: Two pair; Aces and 4s**   
**John has: Two pair; 7s and 6s**   
**Vriska has: A pair of 5s**   
**Dave has: Three of a kind; Jacks**

“Oh, this is total bullshit!” Vriska says. “Tooooooootal bullshiiiiiiiit!”

“You seemed to be having fun when I was losing,” Rose says, with a slight smirk.

“Yeah. Well, watching OTHER people get naked is kind of plan,” Vriska says with a scowl.

She sighs dramatically, and grabs the bottom of her shirt. She whips it over her head in one quick motion, all at once exposing her gray stomach and yellow bra. Her panties are now permanently visible as well. She seems to be a little more developed than Rose (and you, actually), but not by much. You’re kind of curious why trolls even have breasts, but you figure it’s probably just one of those things you should just go with. John gulps. He seems to be surrounded by all of the girl flesh. All of it.

Aradia smiles pleasantly and grabs the cards for her upcoming deal.


	31. Hand 31

**== > Jade: Contemplate State of the Game.**

Things are coming down to the wire, here! Everyone seems to be on a direct course for finishing pretty evenly. The majority of nudity seems to be gearing up to happen all at once one right after the other. You and Aradia are the only really “covered” people left, and she still has one article up on you. Rose only has her panties left, and no dare to fall back on. John has his boxers on, but can still do a dare. Vriska has two pieces of underwear and thus two dares. Dave has pants and probably underwear and thus a dare. Aradia has a shirt and pants, but probably two pieces of underwear, so two dares for her.

Anything can happen in this hand. You should be ready. Speaking of being ready, your cards are just waiting to be picked up. And you go first this time.

**You’ve got: J(H), 10(H), 9(C), 8(D), 2(C)**

Yeesh, not exactly a great hand. You do have an open ended straight draw if you happened to get a 7 or a queen. Something to ponder, at least. Other than that, the jack is really all you’ve got, and it’s not exactly a strong high card.

You’ve got to decide fast...

**== > Jade: Drop the 2 and Go For the Straight!**

You don’t really have much to lose in this case. Hopefully you’ll get a straight, but a pair is possible too. Anyway, you hand Aradia your one solitary card and hope for the best.

**You get: 9(D)**

Ok! Not a straight, but you’ll take it! A pair of 9s is fine by you.

Rose takes two cards. She seems to be okay with her hand. John takes three cards. He seems calm. Vriska takes five new cards. She looks rather angry. Dave takes three cards. Aradia also takes three. She smiles.

“Alright everyone, let’s see them,” You say.

**You have: A pair of 9s**   
**Rose has: A pair of 7s**   
**John has: Two pair; 6s and 2s**   
**Vriska has: King high**   
**Dave has: Two pair; Queens and 10s**   
**Aradia has: Three of a kind; 3s**

“Seriously!? A third time!? You’re all in cahoots! Cahoooooooots!” Vriska says.

“I believe you’ll be wanting this,” Rose says as she hands Vriska the dare jar.

“Yeah, yeah...” She says and reaches her hand inside. Vriska reads aloud: “You must make out heavily with the person who won the hand.”

You quickly look back at everyone’s hands.

“Oh, seriously!?” Vriska says looking at Aradia.

“Rules...are rules,” Aradia says.

“I know this handwriting! You wrote this! This was so your plan!”

“Actually I would have been perfectly happy with anyone here drawing that,” Aradia says, with a hint of a grin.

“Fiiiiiiiine. Let’s just get this over with,” Vriska says as she stands, approaches Aradia and sits awkwardly next to her.

“So how do you-” Vriska begins, but Aradia grabs her roughly by the shoulders and presses her lips to hers before she can finish. Aradia pushes Vriska onto the ground and straddles her with both legs. Vriska is still looking pretty surprised at this point, but her eyes have begun to droop. Aradia seems to be in full control of the mouth area and is making liberal use of the tongue, it seems. Wow...she...she’s really in to this, you guess.

John and Dave’s heads are tilting slowly to the side while watching the spectacle. Rose just seems amused for the most part.

**== > Jade: Be Vriska.**

You are now Vriska. And you are currently sidled with being the beneficiary of some FURIOUS MAKEOUTS.

Truth be told, your cognitive faculties are kind of a mess right now, because this is really weird and kind of...you don’t know, exactly...

Oh wow, she’s kind of grabbing your boob now. Or well, not “kind of.” Pretty much just “is.” It feels...your not really sure your ready to answer that question yet.

You don’t really know what you’re doing with your own hands. Frankly, you can’t really focus on much right now. You body is seemingly on auto-pilot right now and you have to admit...you’re not entirely against that. Feels kinda...nice...maybe?

**== > Vriska: Be Aradia.**

You are now Aradia, and you’re having quite a bit of fun. Vriska wasn’t necessarily a first choice, but you’ve got no complaints about the makeouts so far.

Ever since you found yourself alive again, you’ve been pretty eager to try new things. You were kind of nervous about this at first, but now that you’re here doing it, you find yourself feeling pretty comfortable with the whole situation.

Your tongue seems to be doing most of the work. Vriska is not entirely active in this, but that’s ok. She’s probably just surprised with how much effort you're giving this. You’re kind of surprised yourself.

You let Vriska’s mouth go and she lets out a gasp for air, which she hadn’t been getting much of in the last...however long that kiss was. On yet another whim, you decide to dive at her neck, and begin giving it some attention as well. Vriska lets out another gasp, this one not solely for the purpose of air. You’re not exactly sure what’s come over you recently, but you figure you might as well have some fun with it.

**== > Aradia: Be John.**

You are now JOHN EGBERT, HEIR OF BREATH. You are presently watching two alien girls make out, which hasn’t done much to assuage your recent confused adolescent feelings.

A few short weeks ago the mere concept of kissing a girl seemed like a far off milestone not to be worried about for some time. Now here you are in your underwear, next to a topless girl who you have already made out with, watching a display that’s scoring pretty high on the Sapphic scale. This has definitely been a weird set of circumstances.

Also, you’re pretty sure Vriska said she had killed Aradia at some point. Those Trolls sure are weird. Their romantic shenanigans are ridiculously complicated. Seriously.

**== > John: Be Jade Again.**

You are now back in the familiar shoes (or rather lack of shoes) of Jade Harley. Aradia seems to have finally finished necking Vriska. She gives her another quick smooch on the lips and pushes herself up, as calmly as you please.

Vriska is just sort of lying there breathing heavily. Some nervous giggling starts up.

You remember it’s your deal. You grab up the cards. Vriska slowly sits up. Her face is a pretty violent shade of blue. She meekly scoots her way back to her regular spot, not saying anything.

“That was pretty hot,” Dave says.

You roll your eyes and begin handing out the cards.


	32. Hand 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The thirty second hand is played, and the state of the game changes. Also, sexy things happen.

**== > Jade: Deal Cards, Also Don’t Think About Makeouts.**

You begin dealing, but ceasing thoughts of makeouts is pretty much impossible at this point. You’ve seen two full makeout sessions already. Just how many people wrote that dare, anyway?

Regardless, the cards are out and it’s time to do your job as dealer. Rose wants three cards, and you give her three cards. She seems grateful. John asks for two cards. He seems pretty happy. Vriska wants four. She seems relieved at what she gets. Dave gives you three, as does Aradia, who smiles. Okay, you finally have time to look at your own.

**You’ve got: Q(C), 10(H), 5(H), 4(S), 3(D)**

Well, there isn’t much to work with. You could throw away everything but the queen, you suppose. Still, it might not be a bad idea to hold on to the 10 too, just to give you another possible pair or at the very least a reasonable kicker. It’s all about risks and probability, you guess.

What should you do...

**== > Jade: Keep the Queen. That’s All You Need.**

That’s probably for the best. You give yourself four new cards.

**You get: A(H), A(C), J(H), 10(C)**

A pair of aces! I guess it’s good you didn’t keep the ten, as that second ace was the last card you got. You have a much higher pair now!

“Let’s see the cards!” You say.

**Rose has: A pair of queens**   
**John has: Three of a kind; 8s**   
**Vriska has: A pair of kings**   
**Dave has: Two pair; Jacks and 7s**   
**Aradia has: Two pair; 9s and 4s**   
**You have: A pair of aces**

Everyone checks the cards again and then realization dawns on the group. Roses’ face falls and her cheeks begin to go pink. That’s by far the highest hand anyone has lost with, and you suddenly feel terrible. If you had taken the 10 in addition to the queen, you’d be stripping instead of Rose.

Everyone looks at John too.

“Uh...why...oh...” He says, his eyes falling on Rose’s last dare card. His face goes redder than you’ve ever seen it before.

“Hey-” Dave begins.

“Dave...shut up,” Rose says. “It was a fair game. I lost, and I’m not backing out.”

John scoots himself over to Rose and sits across from her.

“Are you sure, Rose?” John asks.

“John, if I could pick anyone is this room to scandalously remove my undergarments, it would be you. In fact, if I could pick anyone in our entire sphere of existence here to rob me of my little remaining modesty, I would still pick you. So, barring me actually winning the game, which hasn’t really been in the cards for a while, this is pretty much the second best thing that could have happened. So yes, I’m sure.”

“Um...wow...thank you...then...” John says, rubbing the back of his neck, looking sheepish.

You’re kind of starting to feel like you’re intruding on something private.

“S-so...how do you want me to-”

“John.”

“Uh...yeah?”

Rose reaches one of her arms around his neck and gives him a quick, shut-up kiss on the lips.

“Just...go with it,” Rose finishes and lays down on her back in front of him.

**== > Jade: Be John.**

You are now John again. You are currently a bundle of nerves, hormones and confusion. Your current task is to remove the underwear from the girl lying down right in front of you. This girl also just kissed you of her own volition without the prompting of an omnipotent card. It’s kind of hard to believe how much things can change in a few seconds.

You look down at Rose. She’s looking at you and only you, and she’s smiling, though the pink in her cheeks suggests she’s fairly embarrassed about this too.

That’s odd. You can’t seem to remember Rose looking that pretty before. Your eyes notice her bare chest again as it rises and falls with her breathing, and you feel kind of guilty for staring more than you should. You see her smile a bit more. She, at the very least, seems to be amused by your embarrassment.

But you’ve got to do this. Man up. Rose said you were the one she would have picked for this, so the very least you can do is make this about her. You are going to get hells of romantic about this. You focus harder on Rose and suddenly you stop feeling the eyes of everyone in the room on you. It’s just the two of now.

You bring your hands toward her orange panties. You hook your thumbs in the waistband on either side. Your fingers aren’t as steady as you’d like, but you’ll make do. You slowly begin to drag the garment down. Rose lifts herself off the ground slightly to allow the piece of clothing to be removed. The panties are now past her pelvic region. Down her thighs. Her knees. Her shins. You grab them from her feet and drop them softly to the side.

Below you lies your first ever glimpse of a real live naked girl. There’s a small amount of blond peach fuzz on her pelvis. You feel yourself start to get embarrassed again. Rose smiles and sits up. She wraps both arms around your neck and kisses you again. It’s...more meaningful this time, you guess? It’s kind of hard to describe.

Your hands fall to her waist. She breaks the kiss and you begin to notice for the first time that the situation has...affected your body in a not entirely unanticipated way. Rose looks down and notices the tenting in your boxers. She doesn’t say anything, which frankly relieves you. There are enough complications to deal with as it is.

“Oh, God...Dude…there are a few sights I could have been so happy not seeing in the entirety of my immortal life, and you popping a boner on account of my sister is one of them,” Dave says.

Oh right, everyone else is still here. Suddenly this situation is kind of terrible.

“Oh! Oh oh oh oh! Is that the thing?” Vriska asks. “Is that the human boy thing?”

“Can we stop...talking...about that?” Jade says.

Rose is giggling now. At least she seems to be okay with the situation. She looks kind of cute when she’s laughing. Aradia clears her throat.

“Rose...if you don’t mind...I think everyone who loses should stand up and...give a little twirl for everyone,” Aradia says. Rose rolls her eyes and stands up. Giving everyone in the room a full look at her nudity. She spins slowly on the spot, showing everyone her bare back and surprisingly shapely backside. You try to adjust your legs to register as little of how this latest view affected you as possible.

Rose sits back down and gathers all of the cards from everyone, and then hands them to you.

“Oh...why-” You begin.

“I’m out, remember. You’re dealing next,” she says.

“Oh, yeah.” You take the cards from her. She scoots right next to you in preparation to look at your hand, you guess.

Yeah, because you’re in a great place to be thinking about cards right now.

**== > John: Be Vriska.**

You are now Vriska. You have just witnessed yet another display of affection between John and Rose. You can't say you were all that happy about it. You can't really say you're surprised at this point, either. Your first thoughts were, of course, of revenge, but you quelled those desires. You're through with that. Besides, if your recent experience have taught you anything, it's that your initial notions would have just alienated John, anyway.

On the plus side, you just got your first glance at the HUMAN BOY THING. Well, it was through fabric, but you got an outline at least. It seems pretty similar to a bone bulge, you guess, but you won't know for sure until you see it. At least you'll get that out of this.

**== > Vriska: Be Rose.**

You are now Rose, and you've just had a fairly erotic experience. Despite the humiliating fact that this happened in public, you're having a hard time being all that upset about it. In fact, as far as adolescent erotic experiences go, it was actually kind of...sweet. In a weird way. You certainly acted in ways you didn't expect, but it felt right at the time, and, in fact, still does.

You don't feel too bad about going out early. Three of the six dares have already been done, and there's way more than three pieces of underwear left. So when those run out, new ones will be written. You have a feeling the later losers will be in for much more intense dares than you had to perform.

In the mean time you'll stick with John. Maybe you'll give him advice. Maybe you'll just mess with him. Maybe both. You're going to play it by ear.

**== > Rose: Be Dave**

This game sounded a lot more fun when it was first pitched to you. You thought: awesome. Gonna see some naked chicks. Okay, you were really only thinking about seeing one particular naked girl, but you wouldn't have complained about the others. You didn't really think about Rose and John at first. Not until she started losing bad. And of course she went through with it, because Rose is as stubborn as she is aloof.

Now you're not sure about how you feel. Rose and John are falling all over each other. That's okay, you guess. Kinda weird. But not really your business. Maybe now that she's finally done this game will stop seeming so damn weird. That would be nice.

Maybe Jade just needs to lose a bit more.

Okay, bad thought. Back to sports.


	33. Hand 33

**== > Be Jade.**

You are now once again Jade, ready for another hand of this game. In the last round, Rose was eliminated and some rather embarrassing things took place between her and John. At least they were embarrassing for you.

Normally this would have been Rose’s deal, but with her out of the game it’s John’s turn now. One less person is at the table, which means there one less person that you have to beat. Alternatively one less person in a crowd that might have lost instead of you.

John has finished handing out the cards.

**You’ve got: K(S), Q(D), 7(D), 6(D), 3(D)**

Well, you’ve got a flush draw. You also have two fairly high cards. With Rose out of the game, you may want to adjust your strategy some. Then again, one less player isn’t a huge change of pace. Still, it’s something to think about.

Vriska smirks and takes two cards. Dave takes three. Aradia takes four, and doesn’t really look all that thrilled with them.

It’s your turn now...

**== > Jade: Keep the Royalty.**

Psshya. Flushes are for suckers! You certainly don’t need one. Okay, one would be nice, but it’s not like you NEED need it. These two high cards will probably do just fine.

**You get: Q(S), 10(C), 6(H)**

Good thing you kept that queen! Otherwise you might not have ended up with anything. In any case, awesome! You’ve got a pair of queens! Of course, Rose just lost with a pair of queens, but what are the chances of that happening again?

John takes four cards and looks more at ease afterward. It’s time to show ‘em.

**Vriska has: Three of a kind; 4s  
Dave has: A pair of 5s  
Aradia has: Ace high  
You have: A pair of queens  
John has: A pair of queens**

Aradia lets out a theatrical sigh, and then casually whips her shirt over her head, exposing her bare gray stomach and arms. She has a slightly curvier build than Vriska, who is more thin and leggy. You notice her crimson bra containing her...surprisingly sizable breasts. She’s clearly further along than the rest of the girls. You’re kind of a jealous.

Dave’s eyebrows raise slightly. The corners of Araida’s mouth twitch. Humph.

Vriska grabs up the cards for the next hand.


	34. Hand 34

**== > Jade: Commence Passive Aggressive Battle For Dave’s Attention.**

Oh, no. You’re not starting that crap. At least...not yet. Aradia just removed some risqué clothing, it’s no big deal. Everyone was looking at that. Hell, you were looking that. In a totally scientific curiosity sort of way that doesn’t mean anything probably.

In any case, it’s poker time now. And when it’s poker time, all you should be thinking about is poker. Like these poker cards Vriska has just handed you. That would be a good start.

**You’ve got: A(C), J(D), 10(H), 8(C), 3(C)**

Not the best hand, truth be told. The ace is the obvious high card, and the Jack might be worth hanging on to for a kicker, maybe.

Of course...you could...you could always just throw the hand, maybe. Show a little more skin. That would almost certainly send the attention meter back your way.

That’s a dumb idea, though. Stupid stupid dumb. You should definitely be thinking about winning probably.

Dave grabs three cards. Aradia grabs four, and looks a little more relaxed after she gets them.

Oh...it’s your turn already. Huh...

**== > Jade: Keep the Ace.**

Alright. The jack probably wouldn’t have been a bad idea, but the Ace is the most important, you guess. Sure would be shocking if one of the four cards you got was a jack, though...

**You get: A(D), K(H), 5(S), 3(C)**

Well, that worked out nicely. You could have kept the jack and still gotten that hand, though the king there would make it seem kind of vestigial at this point.

John takes three cards, and doesn’t really have much reaction to him. Rose continues to look over his shoulder. Vriska takes one card and regards it with a bored expression.

“Lay them down!” You say.

**Dave has: Ace high  
Aradia has: A pair of 4s  
You have: A pair of aces  
John has: A pair of 7s  
Vriska has: Two pair; 9s and 2s**

Yesssss!!!!!

You restrain yourself from cheering outwardly just barely. Dave doesn’t really react. He simply stands up, undoes the fly on his pants and drops them. He's wearing bright red boxers. He kicks the pants to the side and sits back down a little too quickly for your liking. He didn’t even turn around! He’s really under no obligation to, though...yet. The plan is almost complete! Yesss!

Still...Dave in his boxers...this day keeps getting better and better.

Ah, yes. It’s his turn to deal now.


	35. Hand 35

**== > Jade: Engage in Predictable Distracted Behavior.**

There’s no need for that! Yes, Dave is now just piece of clothing away from total nudity (and a dare, at least), but you can’t let your tongue go wagging every time he takes something off, even if you are kind of a dog now! You’ve got to focus!

Let’s start by looking at the cards Dave gave you.

**You’ve got: A(D), 8(H), 5(C), 3(S), 2(C)**

Welp...not much you can really do with this hand. You’ve got a high card and...nothing else really.

Aradia takes three cards, which brings things right to you.

**== > Jade: Do the Obvious Thing!**

That wasn’t exactly specific, but you acquiesce and give Dave everything but the ace.

**You get: Q(H), J(C), 6(D), 3(D)**

Hmm...well, it looks like ace high is going to be as good as it gets. You better hope for some good luck, or rather some bad luck for someone else.

**== > Jade: Be Dave.**

You are now Dave once again. You are currently stripped to your boxers and you’re doing your best not to think all that much about it. It kind of helps that just about everyone else is in the same boat at this point. Except the person that matters, that is, but it’s okay. You’re chill with it. Mostly.

John asks for four cards, and so he shall receive. Jade asked for four too. Maybe that’s a good sign. John looks pretty relieved, so you guess they were good cards. Vriska takes four as well. Shitty hands all around, you guess. She looks a little more relaxed afterward, though. Okay, finally some time to yourself with your own damn cards.

It sure would be shocking if someone who normally wouldn’t be privy to seeing these cards suddenly could.

**You’ve got:**

**== > Jade Stop Being Dave.**

You are once again Jade Harley. You’re glad your sudden reappearance as the main focal character didn’t interrupt anything vital. Looks like Dave is taking four cards. Cool! It seems like everyone had kind of a shitty hand here.

“Let’s see the cards!” John says.

**Aradia has: Ace high; Queen and 9 kicker  
You have: Ace high; Queen and jack kicker  
John has: A pair of queens  
Vriska has: A pair of 6s  
Dave has: A pair of 5s**

Wow, that was close! Lucky you got that jack! Otherwise you would be showing everyone present your underwear. Granted, everyone else has done that at this point, but still...it’s the principle of the thing.

Aradia stands up, thrusts her hands in the waistband of her pants, and steps out of them, tripping a little as she lifts each bare gray leg out of the garment. Her crimson panties match her bra. They seem...a little skimpier than everyone else’s. What’s with Aradia’s outfit having the sexier underwear? Oh well...at least it wasn’t you who lost.

Huh...you just realized that she was facing you during the pants removal, meaning Dave got a front row seat to the rear view...

It sure would be shocking if

**== > Jade: Be Past Dave.**

You are Dave once again, from about twenty seconds in the past. Aradia has just lost the hand. It was pretty close and Jade almost was about to join everyone else in the underwear party, but Aradia completely ganked the Big Man’s rock just as he was about to throw a three pointer into the field goal.

So yeah, there’s goes Aradia taking off those pants. Huh...you’re...you’re seeing more of her ass than you thought you would. You mean...it’s not a thong or anything, but it’s like...it’s getting there. Like...if a thong is this totally awesome band, then these panties would be like a cover band. It’s doing the same stuff...just not as much.

In any case, you realize that you are actually seeing significant parts of the ass of an alien, and it’s not that unpleasant. It certainly wasn’t the reason you signed up, but as far as consolation prizes go, there are worse. So yeah...not bad. Not bad at all.


	36. Hand 36

**== > Be Jade.**

You are Jade yet again, in preparation for Aradia’s deal. You’ll be going first, so you’ll need to be on the ball. Aradia is looking pretty comfortable in her underwear. You wonder if she’s just putting on a brave face or if she’s actually enjoying this? Maybe a bit a both. You suppose that’s possible.

Let’s see these cards.

**You’ve got: 4(H), 4(C), 2(S), 2(C), J(C)**

All right! Two pair! This is awesome! You haven’t had a starting hand this good in a while!

You vacantly wonder what to do next, even though that’s kind of a stupid question...

**== > Jade: Discard the Jack.**

While it would be nice to be smug and hold the hand as is, you decide it’s probably best to go for an even better hand in case someone loses and must perform a dare, in which case you could potentially be the beneficiary.

**You get: 4(H)**

Now THAT is what you call a good hand. Yes! Hell yes! Hell! Fucking! Yes!

John takes three cards. He doesn’t seem that enamored with them. Vriska also takes three. No real reaction form her, either. Dave takes three cards, too. Aradia, however, takes four. She regards them stoically.

“Okay! Let’s go!” you say.

**You’ve got: Full House; 4s and 2s**   
**John has: A pair of 5s**   
**Vriska has: A pair of 10s**   
**Dave has: A pair of kings**   
**Aradia has: A pair of 2s**

“Well...it looks like I’m still down on my luck...” Aradia says. She looks down at herself in just her underwear. “It also looks like I don’t have much left, so I suppose it’s time to try one of these dares. I’m looking forward to it,” She says as she reaches for the jar.

She takes the slip and reads aloud: “You have to do a lap dance for the ‘Big Man.’” Aradia seems pretty confused. Rose breaks into giggles.

“Dave...did you write that? Really?”

“Anyone could have written that. My love of famous and completely real sport players is well known. This is a total frame job,” Dave responds.

Yeah, right.

“Okay so...couple questions...what is a “lap dance” and who is the “Big Man?” Aradia asks.

“A lap dance is like this totally out there and impudent dance someone does to basically just get up in someone’s personal space and get the other person all hot and bothered,” Dave says.

“Okay, I think I understand. And given the lack of direction with 'the Big Man' I’m just going to assume that means the person who won so...Jade, it looks like I owe you a dance,” Aradia says, grinning.

“Oh...I guess I did win, didn’t I?” You say. This certainly wasn’t what you were expecting.

Aradia stands up and approaches you. She seems to be swaying her hips a lot more than normally as she does. You never really got that down. When she reaches you she begins to sway and gyrate to a non existent beat. Still it must work for her, because she seems to be keeping excellent time.

She raises her hands over her head and swivels her hips slowly. It’s almost hypnotic. She slowly lowers her hands down her body, rubbing them past her breasts, down her stomach and then on down to her waist. She turns her back to you and wow those panties sure are a lot skimpier than yours. She slowly sways her bottom from side to side in front of your face, as she runs her hands through her hair.

Aradia sits down on your lap and begins to grind against you. She twirls, still on your lap, to face you. Her legs straddle your waist and she brings her arms around your neck. Her face is inches from yours. She continues to buck her hips against your pelvis and the friction is starting to...

A particularly strong thrust releases an involuntary gasp from your lips. The motion brings you face forward and your lips are almost touching hers. Aradia slows her pace and eventually stops. She brings two of her fingers to her lips, kisses them, and then places the fingers on your lips, before lifting herself off you and casually strolling back to her place next to you.

Your face is hotter than it ever has been in your life. You’re pretty sure it must resemble a tomato right now. You sit there, breathing heavily. Dave is still staring at you, mouth slightly open. John is simply blinking, looking completely nonplussed. Rose’s eyes are wide. Vriska looks...mildly amused.

You slowly bring your hand to your glasses, remove them and then wipe them on your dress before replacing them.

You...you need a few seconds to cool down before you grab those cards.


	37. Hand 37

**== > Jade: Recover Cognitive Faculties.**

You’re working on that. It’s just...slow going. That was...that was a thing.

You’re not EXACTLY sure what it meant...or means. Maybe nothing, but...that clearly did...affect you in certain ways you weren’t expecting it to. Aradia is pretty out there you guess. That’s fine though. Different strokes and all that. And well...it’s not like it was bad experience. It was a...well, you need time to suss out what that was. You file it under “adolescent experimentation” for now and move on. You’ve got cards to deal.

Everyone is kind of looking at you funny as you pass out the cards. You’re sure you’re still blushing pretty hard, too.

John hands you three cards. He’s still giving you funny looks as you give him new ones. Rose looks at them and makes a “so-so” gesture with her hand. Vriska takes four cards and scowls at them. Dave takes four cards. He looks at you the whole time, as if expecting another alien girl to appear out of nowhere and start working you like a stripper pole. Knowing Dave, he’s probably hoping that’s about to happen, too. Aradia also takes four cards. She regards them with the same bemused expression she’s had since she danced for you. You guess she probably would be fine with winning or losing.

Time to look at your hand, finally.

**You’ve got: K(H), K(C), A(D), 4(S), 3(S)**

Hell yeah! You give yourself a metaphorical pat on the back. Good Jade! Best friend! You’d scratch your ears, but you should probably avoid getting turned on again so soon.

Okay, so what to do with the cards...

**== > Jade: Keep Those Kings, Also the Ace.**

Well, yeah, keeping the kings was obviously a thing that needed doing. You guess the ace can stay too. He’s a respectable enough guest that his impressive stature might open some doors for you. You give yourself two new cards.

**You get: A(D), 5(C)**

All right! This is kind of amazing! Good thing you kept that ace!

“Okay...cards, everybody!” You say.

**John has: A pair of 9s  
Vriska has: King high, with 9  
Dave has: King high, with jack  
Aradia has: Ace high  
You have: Two pair; Aces and kings**

Yeah...you kind of dominated that hand.

“Damn it!” Vriska says. She sighs loudly and slowly brings her hands behind her back, her eyes moving off to one direction to avoid eye contact with anyone. She’s still wearing glasses. You guess...you guess she didn’t think of that.

Vriska finally manages to unhook the back of her bra. She quickly shrugs her shoulders to let the bra fall off. You get a very brief glimpse of her breasts before she quickly places an arm over her chest. From what you could tell, they were around the size of Rose’s. One oddity, though, was that her nipples were pretty clearly blue. You guess that’s because of the weird troll blood thing? You never really got that.

John seems to be blushing pretty harshly now. He is pretty much sandwiched between all the female nudity, you suppose.

“Feeling a little embarrassed?” Aradia asks with the tiniest hint of a smirk.

“Pssh, no! I’m just...focused on the game is all,” Vriska says. Everyone stays still for a few moments.

“Well...John! Areyougoingtopickupthosecardsanddealorwhat?” She blurts out.

“Oh...yeah, sorry,” John hurriedly says as he scoops up the cards. Despite her words, Vriska’s cheeks have gone a pretty noticeable shade of blue.


	38. Hand 38

**== > Jade: Anticipate Another Good Hand.**

Noooo! You said you weren’t going to get overconfident. While it’s true your last hands have been pretty good, that doesn’t mean it’s going to stay this way! Yes, you are in a pretty clear lead, but so what? You certainly aren’t going to tempt fate! At least not so overtly.

John begins handing out cards. Vriska attempts to awkwardly pick up, arrange and hold the cards with one hand, trying to shift them with her thumb and index finger. She eventually brings the cards to her chest, and attempts to use her other hand, still clasped over her breasts, to maneuver the cards the way she wants them. Despite her best efforts, her arm does slip during this process, flashing the group with another look at her bare chest. Her face goes even more blue.

The cards are all dealt out now. Let’s see what you have.

**You have: 8(H), 8(S), Q(C), 6(S), 5(S)**

Not a bad hand! You’ve got a pair. And a decent face card, you suppose. You draw second to last in this hand, though.

Vriska nervously takes four cards, but her expression changes to a grin when she gets the new cards. Dave takes four. No reaction, as usual, though you think you see him knit his eyebrows. The armor is totally cracking, you know it. Aradia takes three.

Okay, now it’s your turn...

**== > Jade: Drop the 6 and 5.**

Easy enough, You hand John your two unwanted and unloved cards, and he gives you two new ones, eager for your approval and unfaltering love and support. Will they live up to your rigorous, unreasonable standards?

**You get: 3(C), 2(C)**

They will not. In fact, you will constantly remind them just how BIG of disappointments they are, and that they’re lucky that their older brothers, the twin 8s, aren’t complete deadbeats, otherwise you would have sent all of them back to card orphanage where they belong.

This metaphor has gone somewhere weird and dark. You’re not sure where that came from.

John takes three cards. Rose makes an exaggerated “oh well” shrug. He raises an eyebrow at her.

“Cards!” Vriska says simply, her arm still glued to her chest.

**Vriska has: Three of a kind; Aces**   
**Dave has: King high**   
**Aradia has: A pair of queens**   
**You have: A pair of 8s**   
**John has: A pair of 7s**

“Well...shit,” Dave says. Everyone stares at him, waiting for his next movie. He reaches for the dare jar. There’s only two left in there. One is yours.

Dave reads aloud: “’You have to sit on the lap of the person who won the hand for a round.’ Then there’s a tongue sticking out emote.” Dave looks at you, but doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t need to. You got the message.

“That would be me!” Vriska says. “Giddyup, Strider!” Vriska says, patting her lap. Dave stands up, walks over to Vriska and falls down into her lap.

“Oof,” Vriska onomatopoeically exclaims as his weight falls onto her.

It’s an amazingly ridiculous sight. Dave is larger than Vriska, and his frame nearly entirely obscures her from view.

“So...how does that feel?” Aradia asks, barely containing snickers.

“Oh man, this is all kinds of erotic, let me tell you. I’m like sitting here on this mostly naked alien chick who is behind me and I can’t see and we’re totally having this awkward adolescent growing moment where we discover things about ourselves. There are almost UNREAL levels of sexual tension happening here. And these levels go up and I mean WAY up. The sexual tension pile does not stop from getting taller. I mean, seriously, just ask Spidertroll back there.”

“I think my legs are asleep...” Vriska responds, slightly muffled by Dave’s back.

“See. It’s magical.”

Snrk.

“On the plus side...” Vriska says, still muffled, as she flails both arms about, Dave obstructing the view of her chest.

“Yep. Bare alien breasts are pressed into my back like some bizarre multicultural assortment of deli meats.”

“Oh, you liiiiiiiike it. Admit it!”

“Oh, totally. This is like a fulfillment of a secret adolescent fantasy only written about in the rudest and most secret of fanfiction.”

“Uh...” says John, barely containing laughter. “I think it’s your deal, Vriska.”

“Oh she has GOT this, bro, don’t worry,” Dave responds.

Vriska reaches out in vain for a few seconds before realizing she is not nearly dexterous enough in this state.

Everyone giggles for a few minutes before you use your AWESOME POWERS, and suddenly with a green flash the cards are in her hand.


	39. Hand 39

**== > Jade: Use Powers to Stack Deck.**

That would be pretty blatant cheating on your part, and everyone else has agreed to not use powers, and seemingly have held up that bargain. The heroes of Light have not altered luck in their favor, clearly. The heroes of Time have not created infinite versions of themselves to strip for them. John hasn’t...blown cards...away. In retrospect banning John’s power was completely unnecessary. In any case, you swear to carry on without it.

Besides, everyone always shuffles before they deal, anyway...and your powers (while awesome) are pretty obvious.

Vriska is now attempting to shuffle the cards, holding them out in front of Dave’s chest, however, without being able to see she fumbles them and they scatter into Dave’s lap. She sighs impatiently and clumsily grabs around the general vicinity of Dave’s crotch area for the fallen cards. Dave flinches.

“Bad touch?” Rose asks, smirking.

“Yeah...seriously, someone get the fucking doll,” Dave responds.

“Oh, grow up cool-douche,” Vriska says as she gathers up the cards and begins to clumsily pass them out. She awkwardly hands one to Dave and then tosses them haphazardly in the directions of Aradia, you and John. “It’s no different than one of your human brother thing’s rape-bots.”

“Pretty sure we agreed that was off limits to discussion. That’s a party foul, and I’m pretty sure you have to strip naked now or something,” Dave responds.

“Bull-shit! I never agreed about things not being discussed! I wanted to invite them in here! And everyone else for that matter, but you were all like ‘noooooooo it would be weird',” Vriska shoots back.

“Indeed...because it would be,” Rose cuts in.

“Your Mom would be kind of fun...” Aradia muses casually at Rose.

“Okay...first of all, she’s not actually my mother. She’s a fifteen year old alcoholic who happens to be genetically identical to my late mother. Considering she didn’t actually do any of the raising generally associated with familial duties she doesn’t really qualify for the term. Secondly...it’s still close enough to be weird,” Rose finishes.

“Yeah...I’m still pretty glad we decided NOT to invite them. I mean, I guess it would have been kind of fun for Karkat, Terezi and Kanaya to be here but...well...the God Tier idea was the best I could come up with at the time to...you know...make sure the right people were excluded...” You say.

“What about-” Aradia begins.

“Oh hell no, we are so not going to start talking about that guy again. He can just hang with the molest-o-bots. The further away that guy is from Ja-...everyone here, the fucking better. Seriously, how HIGH does Karkat even have to BE to think that was a good idea, but whatever, we’re done talking about it. Cards and all that,” Dave says.

“Fiiiiiiiine. Just quit your bitching already, I’m getting a headache,” Vriska replies.

Time to look at your cards.

**You’ve got: A(C), K(D), 10(H), 5(D), 4(C)**

Meh. They could be better. Could be worse.

Dave awkwardly holds two cards behind him for Vriska to take, which she does. She give him two more, but one falls on to the ground face up: the five of spades. He takes it without comment. Aradia narrows her eyes, and slowly hands one cards to Vriska, hesitantly. The card she gets brings a brilliant smile to her face.

You’re up.

**== > Keep the Royalty, Eliminate the Peasants.**

Yes, indeed. The earth must be salted, and lower classes must be brought in line. The needs of the proletariat will not get Dave naked. Your faith must be placed in the bourgeoisie, their deep pockets have the resources you will need, and their aristocratic connections will take care of the rest.

You’re...going a bit far with these metaphors. You hand Vriska the three cards.

**You get: J(D), 7(C), 3(C)**

Hmm...it seems the working classes have had the last laugh. You just have to hope someone else suffered a similar revolution.

John takes three cards. And Vriska clumsily gives herself one. Time for the moment of truth.

**Dave has: Three of a kind; 10s**   
**Aradia has: Straight, 2-6**   
**You have: Ace high**   
**John has: A pair of 4s**   
**Vriska has: Two pair; 3s and 2s**

Um...oh. That...hasn’t happened in a while...well...

There is giggling and general reverie. The person winning has lost a hand.

“Take it off!” Vriska explains.

Well...it seems you owe some clothing...


	40. Hand 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the fortieth hand, also known as the hand WHERE EVERYTHING HAPPENS. Seriously, I forgot how long this hand was. Lucky for it, it's also awesome.

**== > Jade: Remove Dress in Sensual Manner.**

Ok...you will do your best. You can’t help but feel pretty embarrassed, though...

Your dress is kind of strappy, so you guess you can just sort of shimmy out of it...that could look sexy.

You stand up. You take note that Dave is pretty fixated on you right now. He hasn’t even thought to move from Vriska’s lap. You hook your thumbs into the straps around your shoulders and draw them slowly down your arms. After your arms are freed you move your hand to the top of your dress and begin to push it slowly downwards.

As you lower the dress down your upper body, your half bra-half tank top thing comes into view. Like the rest of your clothes it is jet black. It stops several inches above your belly, leaving your navel exposed as the dress descends past it. You wiggle your hips as you try to shimmy the dress down your long legs. Your black panties have just come in to view when the movement combined with your attempted hip swaying causes you to stumble.

Just as you’re about to fall someone catches you. You look up to see Dave standing over you. In confusion you look back in Vriska direction. Dave is indeed sitting there, but he sees the Dave holding you and then pops away. Vriska’s boobs are exposed yet again. She squeaks and covers them, going blue. You guess Dave went back in time so he could catch you. Pretty smooth, Mr. Strider.

You stand upright and step out of the rest of the dress. You are now fully in your underwear and feeling a little exposed. But at least everyone else is in basically the same boat. You notice Dave take his regular seat with the cards.

**== > Jade: Be Dave.**

You are now Dave. And you’re pretty happy you’re wearing sunglasses right now, because they’re hiding just how much you are pervily staring at Jade. She’s looking...pretty cute in her underwear. At the time you didn’t really think about it when you caught her. You just saw a future you and knew the drill. Of course, once she was in your arms the adolescent hormones just went crazy.

You’ve got to get it together, though. It’s your deal. You hand out the cards as normally as you can, trying not to look directly at Jade when you hand her a card. Aradia asks for three cards. So...okay, three to her. Try not to think of the time she gave a lap dance to Jade.

Speaking of Jade, it’s her turn. You wonder how many cards she will want.

**== > Dave: Be Jade and Look at Your Hand.**

Your perform a dangerous and unexpected SUDDEN PERSPECTIVE SHIFT. You just got some cards. You should probably look at those.

**You’ve got: 4(S), 4(C), A(D), 10(C), 5(C)**

That’s a pair at least. Not a fantastic one, but it IS a pair.

Still, gotta decide fast.

**== > Jade: Cast Away the Lowly 5 and 10!**

Indeed! You decree that the knaves be executed and...you know what? You’ve probably gone far enough with the strange anthropomorphic card metaphors. You just give Dave the two cards like a normal person.

**You get: 7(H), 6(D)**

Humph. You guess the 4s will have to do.

John takes four cards and seems pretty nervous. Vriska takes three cards. She glares at them. Dave also takes three cards. His face stays about the same.

“Okay...let’s go,” Aradia says.

**Aradia has: A pair of 9s**   
**You have: A pair of 4s**   
**John has: Ace high**   
**Vriska has: A pair of 6s**   
**Dave has: A pair of kings**

“Fiiiiiiiinally!” Vriska exclaims. “Jeez, how long has it been since you lost!?”

“Um...a while?” John answers.

“Damn straight! Now get those boxers off!” Vriska says excitedly.

“Uh-” John begins.

“I do believe,” Rose interrupts, “That John can still take a dare.”

“Sooosh! If you hadn’t said that he may have forgotten!"

“No I wouldn’t have, it’s just I know what the dare is. There’s only one left and it’s mine,” John says hesitantly. Vriska hands him the jar anyway and he takes the last slip of paper and reads: “You have to go out and grab snacks for everyone dressed as you are. You can’t tell anyone else out there why when they see you.”

“Oh wow! That is so great!” Vriska says. Aradia giggles in affirmation. You have to admit...that sounds kind of hilarious. You’re glad you didn’t get that one.

“Well...maybe I’ll get lucky and no one will be out there...” John says, standing up.

“Good luck,” Rose says with a smirk on her face. John dashes out of the room quickly.

“Well...I just realized...this dare kind of sucks! We won’t get to see any of it!” Vriska exclaims, angry.

“Uhh,” You say, “Witch of Space here. All physical locations are kind of my bitch,” You bring out your trusty FOURTH WALL and begin to expand it until it is the size of a large flat screen television. John appears clearly on it, sneaking through the halls of their group’s little headquarters.

“You know, Jade...that’s actually pretty awesome,” Vriska says.

“I know,” you reply.

**== > Jade: Be John.**

You are now John Egbert, stealthy ninja master. So far you have not run into anyone. Good, perhaps they are doing other things since they were excluded from the exciting God Tier activity. You are not far from the kitchen now. The air is pretty cold around here.

Oh no...you think you hear voices from the direction of the kitchen.

“No nononono. You see...you lick the salt first. Preferably off a fun surface like your hand...or someone else’s hand...or something else. THEN you take the shot.” There is a brief pause. “You knock that back then slam the glass down and go ‘WOOO!’” You hear a loud clank. “You might think the going ‘woo’ part is unnecessary, but it is CRUCIAL, ok. Crucial. Then...after the ‘woo’ you suck on the lime. Like this...” another pause. “And that’s all she proverbially wrote in a nonexistent book about irresponsible activities.”

You’re pretty sure you know who’s voice that is. You creep slowly towards the kitchen.

“It is kind of astounding how much useless information you impart to me on a daily basis. I am honestly shocked. This is my surprised face.” The second voice is calm and a little cold. Pretty sure you know that one too.

“Your surprised face is VERY bright,” the first voice responds.

“Her EVERY face is very bright...like...white hot vanilla or something,” A third, mischievous and playful voice answers.

“I suppose there are worse things I could be likened to.”

“Oh sweet Jegus. How is it that I am always present for the most asinine conversations among you people? Oh wait, that’s every fucking conversation.” Yeah...you know that voice. Geez, how many people are in there?

You’re right there at the door. You peek your head around. Well, there’s Ms. Lalonde, just like you guessed. There’s a bevy of alcohol and various alcoholic accessories in front of her. Kanaya is sitting on the counter across from her. Karkat and Terezi are at one of the tables. That seems to be everyone. Good thing Nanna isn’t in here (even though she hates being called that). That would be REALLY awkward.

“Can you even drink normal things now? Like the type of things that aren't totally morbid?” Ms. Lalonde asks.

“I think the point I should be making is that I have no intention of drinking any of...that,” Kanaya says, gesturing at the bottles. “I think I had enough experience with inebriation when you supplied the daily blood ration.”

“But you were FUN that day!” Ms. Lalonde exclaims.

“She kind of has a point, Kanaya,” Terezi adds, snickering. Karkat groans.

“Oh yeah, Kanaya dancing and singing everywhere was SUCH a great day. We got SO much done. So much bullshit.”

“Oh, you are just whining like a little wiggler because you hate fun,” Terezi counters.

“I don’t hate fun!”

“Yes you do. You hate anything that isn’t ‘productive’ or ‘tactically relevant.’”

“Well excuse me for actually making sure we don’t all die horribly and thus fail all existence forever. Let me just get out my time wasting devices and we can just have big procrastination party. Seriously, you should be on your knees thanking me, polishing my fucking bone bulge.”

“Karkat...that was incredibly vulgar,” Terezi says, scandalized. “You should say things like that more often.” Terezi begins giggling.

“Yeah, I figured you’d like that one...complete psycho...” Karkat mumbles. Terezi begins cackling even more.

“You two might want to consider taking your frankly bizarre courtship behavior somewhere less public,” Kanaya suggests.

“I’m pretty curious how that works, actually...” Ms. Lalonde pipes up.

You need a distraction. Possibly-

“Hmm...I smell another human close by. Someone has been eavesdropping...” Terezi suddenly says.

Crap. You duck behind the door.

“Oh no, and we were talking about so many important things,” Karkat boredly answers.

“They smell familiar...but different...” Terezi begins, sniffing. “Who’s lurking out there?” She calls.

Nothing for it, you guess.

“Erm...It’s just me...uh...John. Coming in to get some...snacks...and stuff...”

“Oh, wow, it’s fucking Egbert. Is the super special meeting of the immortal fuckbags finally OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU NOT WEARING CLOTHES!?”

“So that’s why I was detecting less blue than normal. He he he,” Terezi interjects.

A big grin flashes across Ms. Lalonde’s face.

“Heeeeey, John! Looking pretty good there! Have you been working out?”

“Ummm...no?”

“Well, then you’re just one lucky dude, huh? Someone set you up with all the best genes. Were I a 19th century southern woman I would most likely be making LIBERAL use of my fan right now.”

“Erm...thank you? I guess...Ms. Lalonde.”

“John. John John John JohnJohnJohn. John. We have been over this...in several conversations before now. My mother...who is apparently my daughter or something...is Ms. Lalonde. You can just call me Rox-”

“Uh, well that’s great, soI’mjustgonnagoforthosesnacksnow,” John says in a rush, heading for the cabinets.

“Really? We’re just...gonna let the underwear thing drop? We’re not going to ask about that?” Karkat asks. “I mean is that what the stupid ‘God Tier Meeting’ was about? Did you all get together to like...do laundry or something?”

“Karkat...it’s like...so totally obvious what is going on. I’m kind of embarrassed for you that you didn’t pick up on it,” Ms. Lalonde pipes up.

“Ok, what now?” Karkat asks, exasperated.

“They’re obviously like...playing some kind of strip poker game in there. And John is out here because of some crazy dare they made up because ‘oh, it would be SO embarrassing if someone had to go out there right now.’”

You hurriedly grab assorted snack foods from the cupboards, trying not to listen or pay attention to the others much.

“And of course this whole ‘God Tier Meeting’ thing is bullshit because you didn’t want to invite us because it would be ‘weird’ to be doing all this awkward adolescent stuff around people who are kindofsortof your generic parents but yet are the same age as you.”

“Uh...” You begin.

“Wait...so you’re saying like...everyone in that room is taking their clothes off...like...even Jade?” Karkat asks.

“Or Dave?” Terezi butts in with a pointed look at Karkat. He gets the message.

“I dunno, probably. Unless John is just sucking pretty bad,” Ms. Lalonde answers. “Anyway, I forgive your total close-mindedness, John. It’s ok. We’re more than capable of having our own fun here. By ourselves. We can start our own game. Maybe I can finally see what a naked troll looks like.”

“Wait, what?” Kanaya stammers.

“Just don’t get too fresh with my DaughterMom, John!” She says sternly before completely cracking up. “I’m just kidding. Get as fresh as you want. She could stand to loosen up.”

“Okaythanksbye,” You say hurriedly as you grab the snacks and bolt back the way you came. As you leave you hear Ms. Lalonde once more.

“Okay...so...who has some cards?” She says.

“You...you were serious about that?” The uncertain voice of Kanaya fades as you head back down the corridors and finally make it back to the room with the rest of your fellow stripees. You clamber inside quickly.

The group is crowded around the weird fourth wall thingy and all of them are laughing uncontrollably. They turn to look at you and begin applauding loudly. You rub the back of your neck and do a mock bow. You deposit the snacks in the center of the group and fall back down next to Rose.


	41. Hand 41

**== > John: Be Jade.**

You are once again Jade. You shrink the FOURTH WALL back to it's usual miniscule size. You sit back down after the rather entertaining display that was John's dare and get ready for the next hand. Aradia reaches for the cards.

"Hang on!" Vriska cuts in. "The dare jar is empty. And...well, several of us are still wearing underwear for which it would count. So...we need new dares. So before we hand out cards again, we need to come up with one more round of dares. There's only one rule," Vriska adds with a smirk. "It's got to be naughtier than the last one you wrote. I would like to point out that some people here are already naked, and more will be soon. There's also a lot more exposed flesh than last time. These are definitely things to consider when you write your dares."

"Should I be participating?" Rose asks. Vriska thinks for a second and then shrugs.

"Sure. We won't be able to do all of them this time, anyway."

You grab a a card and a writing implement.

Hmm...more risque than last time...

**== >Jade: Write Dare.**

Well...you've got an idea. It's not exactly naughtier per say, though it has the potential to be. You decide to go for it, anyway.

You write: "keep this card. you dont have to strip but from now on whenever someone else does a dare you have to do it too..."

Maybe one more little caveat? "...even when or if you get naked!" you add. That one could be really fun...you just hope you don't get it.

Everyone else turns in their slips and the jar is once again filled.

Aradia grabs the cards and hands them out. You're going first this round, so it's time to check and see what you have.

**You've got: 7(H), 7(S), K(S), Q(S), J(H)**

Interesting cards. The pair of 7s is obvious, of course, though you also have a swath of royalty. Hmm...

Well, you don't have long to choose...

**== > Jade: Keep the 7s.**

Yeah, no sense holding on to unnecessary monarchs. You hand Aradia the three royal cards and hope for something good in return.

**You get: Q(D), Q(C), 3(C)**

Huh...well that's good. You did discard a queen, but it's not like common sense would have had you keep it over the king, anyway. Besides, two pair isn't anything to sneer at by a long shot.

John takes one card. He seems to be relatively happy with his cards. Vriska turns in all five of her cards. Annoyance radiates from her. She seems a little happier upon getting her new hand, though. Dave takes four cards. Knit eyebrows...hmmm. Finally Aradia also takes four. She looks at them in deep thought.

"Okay, let's go!" You say.

**You have: Two Pair; Queens and 7s  
John has: Two pair; Aces and 6s  
Vriska has: A pair of 10s  
Dave has: Ace high with king  
Aradia has: Ace high with 5**

"Um...hold on a second," Aradia says. "My other four cards are '2, 3, 4, 5.' Does the ace not count as a 1 in a straight?"

"Not by traditional rules," Rose says. "In regular poker the ace is only high and doesn't double as a 1 like in Blackjack, and there's no such thing as a small straight, as this isn't something ridiculous like Yahtzee."

"More like something ridiculously awesome like Yahtzee," John cuts in.

"So...it's my bra, then?" Aradia asks Rose.

"Well..." Rose begins. "Technically we do already have a few house rules in place not normally in effect. Given the...rather unique circumstances I think a vote is in order. Naturally, Aradia and Dave must recuse themselves, as they are the two that this vote will affect."

"Oh yeah, that makes hells of sense. I am so glad my sister is putting my ass on the chopping block," Dave says. Rose smirks and continues.

"I will recuse myself as well so that there will be an odd number and thus no chance of a tie."

"Well I support the viewing of human boy things as quickly as possible! If not John's, then I'll take the next best thing. I say she can keep the hand!" Vriska says.

"I'm going to vote for the one that doesn't end with Dave getting naked," John says.

"Thanks, bro. Of course, I know you're only doing this for the chance to scope more alien chesticles, but it's ok. I take the breaks where they fall like a champ," Dave says.

"It looks like it's all on you, Jade," Rose says.

Interesting decision. Very interesting.

"Well..." You begin...


	42. Hand 42

**== > Jade: Vote in Aradia's Favor.**

"Well..." You say. "I think we should go for the variable ace. It makes sense and...you know...she almost already has a straight. It seems a shame not to give it to her." You kind of doubt your own sincerity.

"Well, shit, Jade, if you want to see me naked all you have to do is ask. Seriously, it's like we're incapable of using our words," Dave says. You feel your face go a little hot.

"Welp, considering this is outrageous caliber bullshit with obviously biased judges who have a serious want to view my knob, I guess I'm just gonna have to pull a surprise maneuver up in this."

Dave quickly reaches up to his face and pulls off his shades. His scarlet eyes are revealed to you for pretty much the first time you can remember. He seems to be looking directly at you as he lets the shades fall onto the other clothes.

"Bullshit!" Vriska yells. "That doesn't count!"

"I'm thinking yep, it does," Dave says.

"I agree," Aradia says. Vriska looks at her in a huff.

"What!?"

"Well," Aradia begins. "We girls have been enjoying added benefit of our two pieces of underwear and of course the dares that go with that. I think the boys should be granted the same opportunity. Their eyewere is fair game. Yours, however," Aradia gestures and you and Vriska. "Isn't."

"Okay," you agree.

"Fiiiiiiiine," Vriska says. "But only so they can do more dares."

Frankly, you're not too disappointed Dave didn't lose the boxers. The eyes are almost as exciting a reveal to you. He still seems to be looking at you. You'll try to play coy for now.

Oh yeah...it's your deal. You grab the cards and hastily pass them out.

John takes three cards. He smiles, and Rose gives you the 'thumbs up.' Vriska takes four cards, but seems to mellow out after she sees them. Dave takes three. You might have imagined it, but you think...he might have winked at you. Aradia also takes three. The corners of her mouth twitch downward.

Your turn.

**You've got: 2(H), 2(C), 10(C), 7(C), 3(H)**

Well...it's kind of a lame pair, but it is a pair. Not the most encouraging of hands, truth be told, but you suppose it could be worse.

Anyway, time to decide...

**== > Jade: Acquire Three New Cards. Hope for 2s.**

You turn in your three underwhelming excess cards in the hopes of something to augment your current underwhelming pair.

**You get: Q(D), 7(D), 6(D)**

Well, they're all diamonds. Not that it does you any good. The cards are no more help to you than what you had before apart from being negligibility higher, which in your case probably won't matter. You just need to hope that someone here has a high card. And it's time to find that out now...

**John has: Three of a kind; 5s**   
**Vriska has: A pair of kings**   
**Dave has: A pair of 10s**   
**Aradia has: A pair of 3s**   
**You have: A pair of 2s**

Ugh. You just barely lost.

Still, a loss is a loss, and Dave seems to be eying your current attire. In fact, you too realize once again that you are down to your underwear.

You guess you should take a dare...unless you're worried about getting your own...then maybe going topless wouldn't be as bad...

**== > Jade: Reach For Jar.**

You guess there's nothing for it. Passing up on an extra chance would be pretty silly of you...even if it does end up being kind of embarrassing. You've come too far to give up now!

You reach your hand into the jar and pull out a slip of paper. Please don't be your dare please don't be your dare oh well this is still pretty embarrassing anyway!

The card says: "the winner gets to decide whether you give a hickey to someone, or if they give one to you, and also gets to pick who that person is."

You read the card to everyone and your cheeks redden. Vriska looks mischievous and Aradia giggles.

"I guess that means John gets to pick?" Aradia says.

"Oh...uh...really? That...uh...this feels kind of weird," John stammers.

Rose begins to whisper in his ear.

"Oh...uh...still...she's my kindofsister and I feel weird choosing..."

Rose whispers in his ear again.

"Ok...well...I guess...Dave can do it, I guess? Seriously, though, this is still weird."

Suddenly your face gets, if possible, redder. Way to go, John...or rather, Rose.

"Wow, I'm getting the feeling this is like...double sibling betrayal up in this," Dave says.

"I would use the term 'double sibling facilitation,' actually," Rose says.

"Welp...here goes. You ready, Jade? Because this shit is about to get hella real, here. I mean ALL KINDS of erotic," Dave says. He's trying to sound the same, but without his sunglasses you can tell he's not exactly meeting your eyes. He walks over to you and sits right beside you.

"Ok...you ready?" He asks. He sounds pretty damn sincere with that question.

You nod.

"Yeah," you say. And you are. Or as ready as you'd ever be, anyway.

He wraps his arms around your waist. His hands are warm, and you suck in your breath...just a little. He moves his head down and rests it on your collarbone and then presses his lips to your neck, which he beings to kiss.

The sensation is many things at once. You feel the heat of his breath and mouth on your neck, the dampness of his tongue. It tickles slightly, but mostly it just feels...good. You begin to gradually breathe faster, and you bite down on your lip with your buck teeth. The sensation of everyone's eyes on you vanished rather quickly. Your eyes have drifted closed, anyway.

Still keeping one hand on your waist, Dave moves the other slowly through your hair. He pulls you in closer and you let out the smallest of gasps.

You're not sure how long this goes on. It might have been quick, but it seemed like a while. Long enough for you to stop caring. Eventually he breaks away from your neck and looks at you. His red eyes are looking right in to your green ones.

You're locked there. There's nothing you could do, even if you wanted to. He moves his face closer to yours. Is he going for it? You think he's going for it. He's almost there. You close your eyes. You feel the tiniest hint...the ghost of his lips on yours, so distant they still might not have made contact, and then he pulls away.

"So, was that good?" Dave asks. "You guys satisfied with your obsessive sibling pimping?"

You open your eyes. Dave is seated about a foot from you and he's looking at John and Rose.

"For now," Rose says, smiling.

"It wasn't really my idea..." John says. Rose flicks him on the shoulder. "Ow! Jeez."

Dave stands up, he looks at you, gives you a wink and heads back to his seat.

You take a few breaths and try to re-familiarize yourself with your surroundings, as you seems to have temporarily forgotten exactly where it is you are. Which, as the Witch of Space, is a pretty freaking hard thing to do.

God damn it, Strider.


	43. Hand 43

**== > Jade: Recover Cognitive Faculties...Again.**

Stupid. Sexy. Strider.

Seriously, you didn't see that coming. You probably should have, but nonetheless Mr. Coolkid just earned many, many ticks on the Knight vs. Witch titillation-o-meter. You have to find some way to get back at him.

But first, John is dealing out cards. Hopefully this hand will give you something less lame to work with.

**You've got: K(S), Q(H), 9(S), 8)H), 5(D)**

Yeesh. So much for a non-lame hand. You've got a king high. You're almost definitely going to need something better from the draw.

Vriska takes three cards. She seems fine with her hand. Dave also takes three. His eyes focus on his cards. You don't see much of a reaction from him. Aradia takes four. She smiles at her hand.

Looks like you're up now, and judging by the cards, at least some of these people have obvious pairs...

**== > Jade: Keep King, Ditch Rest.**

It's as good as any option you figure. You just have to hope for something good. With any luck it'll oh damn it.

**You get: A(C), 10(C), 7(D) 6(C)**

These cards are useless. Well, you do have an ace now, at least. You take some solace in knowing that keeping the queen wouldn't have helped.

John takes three cards (uh oh) and now it's time for the moment of truth.

**Vriska has: A pair of kings  
Dave has: Three of a kind; 9s  
Aradia has: A pair of jacks  
You have: Ace high  
John has: A pair of jacks**

"Oh..." you say.

"Wow...uh...sorry, Jade...we can stop, right?" John says.

"Uh...s-sure..." Dave says, he had gone glassy-eyed there for a second.

"No..." you say. "Rose went through with it. Vriska did too. I signed up for the same game as everyone else. Just...uh...let's see here..."

Technically, your dare could have counted for either piece of your underwear.

So...what'll it be? Go topless and remove the HALF-TANKTOP-HALF BRA-THING, or break the sequence and go straight for the PANTIES?

**== > Jade: Expose Breasts.**

You suppose there's nothing for it. You're not exactly treading new ground here, but it's not every day you show off your usually well hidden goodies to people who haven't seen them before...those people being everyone in this room.

Still, you've never been one to drag things out.

You grab the bottom of your HALF-TANKTOP-HALF-BRA-THING and quickly pull it over your head. Your semi-petite breasts give a slight bounce as they are freed.

They aren't all that large, but they're about on par with Rose and Vriska's. Not all that close to Aradia's, though. You think they've still got some growing to do, of course.

You had begun to get used to the chill in the room when you lost your dress, but now that you've given up a rather critical item of clothing you're suddenly beginning to feel a lot colder, and you can feel the pink buds at the center of your bosoms begin to perk up. Your face grows hot, despite the perceived coldness, and one of your arms shoots across the newly exposed flesh, squishing your boobs into your chest.

You look at Dave. His eyes seem to be going in a lot of different directions rather quickly. He seems to be trying hard not to focus on any one particular thing. He also keeps shifting his legs around.

**== > Jade: Be Dave.**

You are once again Dave, and you are currently recounting one of the many exciting sport games you have definitely seen in your life.

There was this one time the Big Man was driving up the court to the free throw hoop. This was the time where he was at the top of his game. The absolute breast. Yeah...

Anyway, his hands were ALL OVER that rock. He was just going to town, with that round, warm, squishy, spherical object in his hand. You mean, he had that shit LOCKED DOWN. And then he ever so gently let it jiggle right into the net, and he got all of the goal points...in a totally non-sexual way. Like not at all. Because the best thing about sports is how no metaphors using sport lingo can ever be used to imply ANYTHING sexual. That's why thinking of sports is such a good idea when you're in a situation that might spark sudden adolescent urges.

Not that you would know anything about that. You're just considering the sports, because no one considers the sports but you.

You see, all you have to do is just picture two totes regular b-balls rather than boobs and...nope...still not going away. That's definitely Jade topless. You have come into possession of all of the adolescent fantasies. All of them.

Breasts, chesticles, sweater puppies, fun bags, melons, tits, hooters, mammarys, jugs, cans, knockers, hoohas, gazongas.

Boobs.

You guess you'll just have to keep your legs crossed and hope no one notices.

God damn it, Harley.


	44. Hand 44

**== > Be Jade.**

You are Jade Harley, yet again. A little less decent, perhaps, but nonetheless still very much in this game. In fact, you are tied with Dave and Vriska. Each of you have two remaining chances: a dare and your final item of clothing. John and Aradia are also tied, each with three. John has his glasses, a dare and his boxers. Aradia has her bra, a dare and her panties.

It's actually fairly amazing the game has stayed this close. Nearly everyone is on the cusp of being eliminated and yet only one of the initial six players has actually been knocked (or rather stripped) out of the game.

Vriska has finished dealing the cards. Let's look at what your luck is like this hand. A repeat of the last two hands would certainly be an unwelcome development. You feel like you've lost enough for a while.

**You've got: 10(H), 7(S), 5(D), 4(D), 2(S)**

Wow...it's UNREAL how much garbage these cards are. These are officially conksuck cards. You just know immigrants are responsible.

Dave takes four cards. He keeps looking at you though, and he's not paying much attention to them. He regards them with a slight head shake. He keeps trying to look and then not look in the general direction of your chest. You let your arm go lax a little with the pretense of looking at your cards. Not enough to show the good part, but enough for some serious cleavage. He's not even trying to look at his cards anymore. Serves him right.

Aradia thinks for a long time, then hands in one card. She looks at the one she gets, and attempts to hide a pretty obvious frown, but it doesn't really work.

Okay...time to decide what to do you with your "hand." You use air quotes, because this pile of shit doesn't really qualify.

**== > Jade: Salt the Earth.**

You think about engaging in some over-long metaphor involving peasants, royalty and other various objectivist propaganda, but instead you decide to just hand in all your cards. You were getting a bit carried away with that earlier and frankly you don't rally know where it came from.

You do however "accidentally" use the hand that was formerly hiding your breasts to turn in the cards, giving Dave (and everyone else) another look at your exposed chest. You see him gulp slightly and shift his legs again.

You get your new five cards.

**You get: A(C), J(D), 7(C), 6(H), 3(H)**

Not great. But, you've got an ace at least. Man, you really don't want to lose three times in a row.

John takes four cards and seems pretty nervous throughout, but breathes a sigh of relief when he gets his last card. Finally, Vriska also takes four cards, and smiles afterward.

"Let's see the cards!" She says.

**Dave has: A pair of 4s  
Aradia has: King high (And four diamonds. Looks like she went for a straight)  
You have: Ace high  
John has: A pair of 8s  
Vriska has: A pair of aces**

"Oh, well..." Aradia says wistfully, though not sounding all that disappointed, truth be told.

She reaches behind her back and begins fussing with the crimson bra. Eventually it comes undone and slides a few inches down her boobs. Not enough to show anything yet, but enough show a serious valley between them. She places arm against the cups then snakes her other arm out of the strap. She then switches arms and does the same with the other.

Now Aradia's arm is the only thing holding the garment in place. She smiles mischievously, and then draws the bra out from under her arm. She holds her arm there for a few seconds, making sure she has everyone's attention, before letting it drop. Her sizable breasts give a pronounced jiggle as they're freed.

The gray globes are capped by deep red nipples, which already seem to be partially excited. Aradia herself is blushing, though giggling flirtatiously while doing so. You have to admit that the effect is not...entirely unappealing.

The room just sort goes quiet for a bit, before Vriska finally kicks Dave's shin. He jolts, as his attention seemed to be split between you and Aradia...mostly in the chest-le area. He grabs the cards and clears his throat.


	45. Hand 45

**== > Jade: Resist Urge to Ogle.**

You fail to resist that urge. Okay, you aren't really ogling per se...but you can't help it if Aradia's breasts are kind of distracting. You mean...they're right next to you, and it's not as if she's making that a secret. And well...they look nice. You at least have to admit that.

Looks like the cards are all out. Dave dealt in record time. Let's see now...

**You've got: Q(D), Q(S), K(H), 6(D), 5(S)**

Finally! Something of a break. You've got a pair at the outset. Hopefully this means things are looking up.

Aradia studies her cards for a moment. While she looks at them she absentmindedly adjusts the waistband of her panties. She finally hands Dave three cards. She doesn't seem that excited about the result.

Looks like it's your turn now...

**== > Jade: Keep the Queens.**

Sounds good to you. The king looks nice, but ultimately doesn't help you right now. Your best bet is hoping for more queens, so you hand Dave the three non-matching cards. You decide to "accidentally" brush Aradia's arm as you do so. Aradia giggles at you, and you shyly smile back. Dave clears his throat and gives you three new cards, while not looking directly at you or Aradia.

**You get: 9(S), 8(H), 5(D)**

Humph...oh well. It was worth a shot. It's not like you would have held on to your five in a million years, anyway.

John takes five cards and his mood doesn't seem to improve with the cards he gets. Vriska takes four cards and eyes them warily. Dave takes three cards and nods slightly.

"Ok...let's see 'em." You say.

**Aradia has: Ace high  
You have: A pair of queens  
John has: Queen high  
Vriska has: Ace high  
Dave has: Two pair; Queens and jacks**

"Fiiiiiiiinally!" Vriska says.

"Oh..." John says. "So...what..."

Rose giggles and reaches her hands up to John's face. She grabs his glasses and slowly pulls them away. John blinks his blue eyes and then begins to squint around.

"Well...this isn't exactly an improvement vision-wise..." He says.

"Don't worry, John. I'll tell you what your cards are," Rose says, smirking.

"That sounds suspicious!" He says. Rose kisses him on the cheek.

"You're just going to have to trust me." Rose says mischievously.

"Or you could ask me..." Vriska says in a sing-song voice. "It's not like I have an ulterior motive here and have a vested interest in seeing you lose..."

"I'm not sure I should take either of your advice! I'm sensing a serious lack of interest to my modesty in this part of the room! Also, my eyesight isn't THAT bad..." John says.

Aradia giggles and grabs up the cards for her deal.


	46. Hand 46

**== > Jade: Analyze the Current State of the Game.**

With John's loss you suddenly realize that for the first time since probably the beginning of the game everyone is on equal terms. All five remaining players have exactly two chances left. At the very least there will be eight more hands. At most: nine.

You also realize that whoever loses this hand will be doing a dare. No exceptions. This could get interesting.

You notice that as Aradia hands out the cards, each time she gives one to you she brushes your thigh. You bite your lip slightly and feel a flush in your face. When you look her, the right side of her mouth twitches upwards in a smirk. Dave's attention seemed focused on you every time she passes a card to you.

After all five have been given to you, you decide to take a look.

**You've got: J(H), J(S), 6(C), 5(H), 2(S)**

Another pair. Not bad. Not bad all.

And you're up first...

**== > Jade: Keep Jacks.**

Again, like last time the decision is pretty obvious here. As you hand your three cards over you also decide it wouldn't hurt to deteriorate Dave's attention span even further.

"Those are pretty cute!" You say, gesturing at Aradia's panties.

"Thanks. I like yours too," Aradia says with a giggle. She reaches out and fiddles with the waistband of your underwear a little bit, which was a bit further than you expected. Did...did she just wink at you? You might be imagining things. Maybe you should be careful not to end up in the same boat as Dave.

**You get: 7(S), 4(D), 3(C)**

Oh, well. It's still a pretty good pair, all things considered.

John takes three cards and seems pleased. Vriska also takes three and looks indifferent. Dave hands over five cards, glassy eyed. Only when he gets five new ones does he seem to realize what he's done. There is a brief look of panic on his face before it is replaced by relief. Aradia, finally, turns in four cards. She frowns at her return.

"What's everyone got?" John asks.

**You've got: A pair of jacks  
John has: A pair of aces  
Vriska has: A pair of 9s  
Dave has: A pair of kings  
Aradia has: Queen high**

"Oh wow...well...I want to stay in the game, so I think these," Aradia snaps the waistband of her panties. "Are going to stay on a little longer."

She reaches for the dare jar with a hint of a smirk and pulls out a slip of paper. She reads: "keep this card. you dont have to strip but from now on whenever someone else does a dare you have to do it too...even if you get naked!"

Whew! At least you didn't get that one!

"Gooooooood dare!" Vriska says.

"This could be fun," Aradia agrees. Generally giggling seems to concur with her as well.

You grab up the cards. It's your deal now.


	47. Hand 47

**== > Jade: Deal.**

You deal yet again, and like always you feel you're pretty spectacular at it. You're sure to give big grins to both Dave and Aradia whenever you hand them their particular cards.

It's time to start the exchange process.

John asks for four cards. He doesn't look all that happy. Vriska grins and asks for three. Dave also asks for three, he seems a little calmer. Aradia, too, asks for three cards.

Okay, you can finally look at your hand.

**You've got: 10(D), 10(S), 8(C), 7(D), 4(H)**

Another pair! Not as good of one as either of the last two, but still...it's nice to have some security at least.

What should you do?

**== > Jade: Keep the 10s.**

Yep. Another pair, another time using the exact same strategy. Exciting? Maybe not. Smart? Definitely.

Let's see now...

**You get: Q(H), J(S), 8(D)**

Once again. Nothing all that spectacular. Oh well, hopefully your pair will be enough.

"Show 'em!" Vriska says.

**John has: Ace high  
Vriska has: A pair of aces  
Dave has: A pair of jacks  
Aradia has: A pair of kings  
You have: A pair of 10s**

"Yessssssss!" Vriska exclaims.

"Oh...do I...have to do another dare?" John asks.

"Well...you could always just take off the boxers..." Vriska says teasingly.

"Erm...no? I guess...I'd rather try one of these things..."

John reaches for the jar, grabs a card and reads: "loser licks the winner from stomach to lips and ends up making out."

John goes red. Vrika looks like she's adding it up for a second, and then her face breaks into an expression of unsurpassed glee.

"YES! FIIIIIIIINALLY! THIS GAME IS NOW 100% WORTH IT!" Vriska is grinning from ear to ear.

You're pretty sure you saw Rose go stone-faced for a moment when she heard the dare, but by the time John looks at her she smiles encouragingly at him.

Vriska giggles and grabs John by the hand, leading him over to her. You notice Rose's face fall once again, but she tries to hide it quickly.

**== > Jade: Be John.**

You are now John and wow you're feeling kind of weird right now. On the one hand, it seems like you were having some pretty serious sparks with Rose earlier. On the other hand, you can't really deny that Vrisa is pretty...pretty. And topless. There's that too.

She lies down and looks at you with her mismatched eyes. Her grin is...similar to her usual sly look but it's...softer. It's hard to describe. Also hard to describe are the bevy of strange emotions swirling around your head right now. You have confusion to the max.

The longer you sit here not doing anything, though, the more confused you will get so you decide to simply go for it.

You awkwardly position your head above Vriska's navel. You slowly stick your tongue out and it...eventually...makes contact with her abdomen. You can feel her stomach muscles tense up briefly, but relax after a second.

You begin to slowly run your tongue upwards along her stomach. Her skin is smooth and tastes just the tiniest bit of sea-salt. You continue your journey slowly upwards, eventually reaching the cleft between her bare breasts, which have separated and gone flat against her chest thanks to her lying on her back. You don't really get it in your head to get too adventurous in that area. Frankly, you're really nervous and are just trying to keep to a straight line.

Vriska, for her part, runs her fingers through your thick hair and coos lowly under her breath, so only you can hear it...probably. You reach her neck and she stretches her head back, making it last as long as possible.

Finally, your tongue clears her chin and makes its way to her lips, where she quickly captures it. You immediately feel her own impatient tongue swirling around yours and a low, muffled groan resonates from her mouth.

Her hands move up and down your back, her fingernails scratching you ever so slightly. You keep one arm fasted securely around her lower back, while the other twists through her impossibly long mane of raven hair.

She begins to grind against you, and you can't really do anything about your body's decision to direct blood-flow to a particular crotch-al area. You can tell she feels it, and she giggles, still against your mouth.

You aren't sure how long this goes on. In truth, you're kind of in a daze. But eventually, after some indescribable amount of time, the two of you mutually break the kiss. Vriska grins at you and then giggles again. She places a kiss on the tip of your nose and continues to break down into a frankly uncharacteristic amount of girlish tittering as you scoot back to your seat. The display earns snickers from your fellow players as well.

As you get back to your original spot, Rose scoots close to you again. Closer than before, actually, and beams at you.

God, so confusing.

**== > John: Be Vriska.**

You are now Vriska, basking the success of your most recent triumph. Your main goal of the game has just been achieved. Okay...well...close to main. You still have not seen a HUMAN BOY THING, but intimate encounters with John were definitely a VERY close second on that list.

Then you notice Aradia standing up and walking over to you, everyone's eyes fixed on her.

"Uh...what-" You begin.

"My turn." She says in a teasingly sing-song voice, pointing to her dare card next to her pile of clothing.

Oh...right. You totally forgot about that. You were so excited about the John part that it drove Aradia's recent dare from your mind. She swivels her hips seductively as she makes her way over to you.

Oh wow...you...you may not be ready for this.

Whether you're ready or not, however, doesn't seem to matter to Aradia as she grabs your shoulders and pushes you rather forcefully back down, straddling your waist with her legs. She takes her hands from your shoulders and runs them down your body, making sure to brush your breasts as they pass and eventually settle on your hips.

Aradia shakes the hair out of her eyes and then lowers her mouth to your belly button. Right off the bat it's immediately apparent to you that Aradia is going to get much more adventurous with this than John did. You feel her tongue circle your navel several times. She begins to draw it slowly up your body and you feel yourself grow tense. As it reaches closer and closer to your chest you notice that she begins to steadily drift off course...

Her tongue makes a beeline straight for your right nipple. It swirls around the blue bud, causing you to involuntarily begin to bite your lip. She quickly manages to bring the nipple up and then slowly draws her tongue horizontally across your chest, sliding between the valley of your boobs and then finally making contact with the left nipple. She closes her lips around this one, causing you to break your composure and gasp. She continues to suck on it, raising it in record time with liberal use of the tongue.

She finally breaks from the maddening assault on your breasts and continues upward. She licks the side of your neck, leaving a brief hickey there before moving up. Finally, after an eternity of teasing she reaches your lips and immediately begins her attack.

Her tongue crashes into your mouth, leaving you struggling to keep pace. The ferocity of the makeouts even catches you by surprise, and you like to think that you've had some pretty furious makeouts in your day! Her left hand moves up from your hip, briefly copping a feel of your right breast before finally completing its jouncy to your neck, where she pulls you in even closer. Her right hand travels downward and behind, setting itself firmly on your ass, which she proceeds the squeeze.

You let out an uncontrolled moan. You rake your fingers down her back, and eventually bring a hand around to roughly kneed one of her generous breasts. Her right hand teases the waistband of your panties, pulling them down just enough to show the very top of your ass, as if she was aching to just remove the offending article from you entirely. A small part of your mind figures you would probably like that.

Aradia breaks from the kiss and once again attacks your neck, drawing more audible stimulation from you. She kisses up the side of your face to your ear, which she bites, causing you to grip her tightly and gasp. She bucks her hips and pelvis against your own, and you're all too aware of the tingling in your loins, already excited from your previous excursion. She wouldn't have to keep this up too long and she could get you to...

You breathe, trying to pace yourself. Aradia once again brings you in for a deep kiss. Finally, your tongues and mouths separate. You prop your arms up behind you, taking big gasps of air, trying to cool yourself off. Aradia gives you a wink and pushes herself up, strolling back to her seat...well...swaggering is more the correct term.

You...wow...you need to cool down.

**== > Vriska: Be Aradia.**

You are now Aradia Megido. A smirk plays across your lips as you sit back down at your usual spot.

You have to admit, you've been going a lot further tonight than you ever though you would, but...something about the atmosphere has you drunk on life, which considering your time spent dead is probably not all that surprising.

You look around the room. Jade is blowing a slow gust of air from between her pink, puffed up cheeks. Rose is still slightly wide-eyed, and is absentmindedly fanning herself with one of her discarded slippers. John and Dave's eyes are still fixed on the spot you and Vriska were "cavorting" mere seconds ago, their mind apparently still quite blank. And their bodies...quite obviously affected.

In any case, you have to admit to yourself you are having an outrageous amount of fun, and you're still up for quite a bit more.


	48. Hand 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The forty eighth hand takes place, and a minigame rears its head!

**== > Aradia: Be Jade.**

Once again Jade finds herself in the drivers seat of the situation at hand. Recent events have been getting pretty STEAMY. You're kind of glad you weren't the winner of the last hand. You're not entirely sure you could have taken that.

The room still feels pretty hot to you. You chance a glance at Aradia. She doesn't seem to be looking at anything in particular. She smiles knowingly at the room.

John seems to have come to his senses enough to start passing out cards. You hold out you hand and with your powers summon a glass to your hand, and with another glow of green summon water in it. You begin to take tentative sips, trying to cool down. Most of your fellows don't give this much of a look. You've been summoning stuff to you for a while now, to the point where it's become something of a COMMON OCCURRENCE.

Looks like your five cards are ready now. Let's see...

**You've got: Q(S), Q(S), K(H), J(C), 8(H)**

Looks like you've got another pair. This is becoming kind of predictable. You guess there's some other royalty there to consider, though.

Vriska takes three cards and looks at them disapprovingly. Dave also takes three, he still looks a little dazed, but the cards seem to clear him up a bit. Aradia also takes three cards and smiles at them.

Ok. Your turn...

**== > Keep Queens, Discard the Rest.**

Yeah! No need for men in this hand! These two queens can get along by themselves. These two lovely ladies can have all kinds of fun without men around...and it doesn't even have to mean anything whatsoever! Just two queens...maybe a little curious...but hey, there's nothing wrong with that! They're young! They're SUPPOSED to experiment! You mean...wow...you're getting a little crazy with the personification again. You're...you're kind of distracted, maybe you should just give John those three cards.

**You get: Q(C), A(D), 3(C)**

Well, hello there! It looks like another lovely lady has joined this erotically charged slumber party you have going on in your deck...okay, you promised yourself you'd stop this! Besides, you like men too! Especially knights.

John takes two cards.

"Cards," You simply say.

**Vriska has: A pair of 5s.  
Dave has: Three of a kind; 6s.  
Aradia has: Two pair; Aces and 10s.  
You have: Three of a kind; Queens.  
John has: Three of a kind; 2s.**

Wow...everyone kind of rocked it in that hand! Well...except Vriska.

"Laaaaaaaame!" She says. Everyone else giggles. She grumbles as she reaches for the dare jar and reads aloud:

"The loser wrestles the player with the second lowest hand. Both will attempt to strip an article of clothing from each other during the struggle, the one stripped is the loser."

"W-what?" You say, confused.

"So...I'm going to wrestle someone for clothes?" Vriska asks.

"Yes. Me, in fact," Aradia says, smirking. "Second lowest hand, right here."

"You...like keep getting all up in everyone's business! I call shenanigans!" Vriska says.

"That's also my card," Aradia says.

"So...wait...does this mean whoever loses is out of the game?" John asks.

"It would seem that way, yes," Rose states.

"This is so bullshit! Dares are supposed to be surefire get-out-of-stripping-free dealies!" Vriska protests.

"Look at it this way: I didn't lose the hand, and yet if I lose here I would be out of the game anyway. You've got a chance to knock someone else out of the game without worrying about the luck of the cards. All you have to do is beat me...if you can," Aradia smiles when she finishes that sentence.

The wheels turn in Vriska's head.

"Fiiiiiiiine!" Vriska relents. "What are the rules? I guess no powers like usual?"

"Yes. It's a simple physical contest. I go for your underwear, you go for mine. The one stripped is out of the game," Aradia says.

The four humans scoot way back to give the trolls space. They stand up and face each other, each sizing the other one up.

**== > Jade: Await Erotically Charged Confrontation.**

You watch with great interest as the trolls face off, wondering who will come out on top, and weather or not that phrase will have a sexual connotation (probably), when suddenly YOU ARE ACCOSTED BY A BOTHERSOME TUTORIAL SCREEN WHAT?

**\------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Super Erotic Lesbian Funtime Battle!!!  
(スーパー エロチックレズビアン ファンタイム バットル!!!)**

Please welcome to S.E.L.F.B.! This erotic wrestle game of fighting will place two opposing female alien women at opposition! At end game time only one remaining will cling to their pantsu (パンス)! The other must forfeit of game!

How Playing:

At match beginning, the following options appear visible:

-AGGRIEVE(アグリーブ): A fast and furious act of aggressive aggression! If attack successfully hits enemy, they will suffer 1-4 points of massive damage! But it's okay! Because placement of sexy sparkle magic (セックシースパークルマジック) the fighting ladies will not suffer from violence, and will only exhaust.  
-ASSAIL(アセイル): An attempt to encase your enemy with two arms! If you are successful then advantage is given!  
-ABSCOND(アブスコンド): Can't ABSCOND, Bro!

Commands for when enemies are in entrapment:

-AGGRIEVE(アグリーブ): Attacking while enemies are under your holding give you +2 bonus damage chance possibility!  
-ASSAULT(SEXUAL)(アソールト[セックシー]): Use of erotic move while opponent is stuck to provide DISTRACTION! Choice is made between face (lips), breast area, and super special lower pelvic region! Each one can cause more DISTRACTION than the one before, but also increase in difficulty of successfulness! DISTRACTION can make enemies less likely to escape and have a harder to resisting your attempt to remove pantsu!  
-ACQUIRE(アクァイアー): The move used to take enemies pantsu! The option only exists when enemy stamina is at 50% or lower! The more stamina the enemy had in possession, the difficulty increases!

Commands for when you are entrapment:

-AGGRIEVE(アグリーブ): When encased in two arms, your chance to cause successful violence is down by 2! Yet hope exists! If you chance to make maximum attack roll or maximum damage roll then you will find your personal freedom!  
-ASSAULT(SEXUAL)(アソールト[セックシー]): As us true with your aggressive move, attempting erotic action when imprisoned suffers -2 penalty! Yet, if you manage maximum attack or maximum distraction roll then freedom is yours for justice!  
-ABSCOND(アブスコンド): Use move to attempt to find escape from arms! Make your roll successful and you will be out of capture!

How to Obtain Victory:

There exist three separate victory potential successes:

-Modesty Victory: Be successful when use of ACQUIRE move is used!  
-Exhaustion Victory: Make enemy stamina points be 0, then they will be crippled by tiredness and will no longer resist!  
-Distraction Victory: If you make enemy be at maximum distraction then they have spectacular finish and you can take pantsu easily!

Characters:

Aradia Megido (アレイディア メギドー):  
Fatigue Points: 40  
Max Distraction: 16  
Strengths: +2 to distraction chances! +1 to damaging!  
Weaknesses: -2 to escaping!

Vriska Serket (ブリッスカー サーケット):  
Fatigue Points: 35  
Max Distraction: 20  
Strengths: +2 to attack chances! +1 to dodge and escape chances!  
Weaknesses: -1 damage while captured!

**\---------------------------------------------------------------**

What...huh? That was strange and kind of hard to read. You decide to return to what you were doing WAIT A CHARACTER SELECT SCREEN COMES OUT OF NOWHERE AND GETS RIGHT IN YOUR PERSONAL SPACE!

**\---------------------------------------------------------------**

**Select Your Combatant:**

**> Aradia Megido  
>Vriska Serket**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might be asking yourself "did he just come up with a set of pen and paper rules for a game in which two aliens try to remove each-other's panties?"
> 
> And I would say yes. Yes I did.


	49. STRIFE Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How will this ridiculous wrestling match turn out? Who will win and how? Will there be more Engrish? Who said all that anyway? You'll have to read on to see.

**== > Jade: Be Vriska.**

You are now Vriska Serket. You're not exactly sure how, but you've gotten yourself involved in some kind of crazy wrestling match and this is after you had gotten yourself into some crazy strip poker game.

Standing across from you is Araida. She's topless, and she doesn't really seem to mind. You are also topless and you mind a bit more, but now isn't the time for weakness! She's eying you, sizing you up. But you've got this. All you have to do is get her underwear and this'll be over. Piece of Human Cake.

Now...time to see who makes the first move.

**Vriska: 16  
Aradia: 19**

Aradia grins and charges, attempting to grab you!

**Roll: 8(-1)=7**

You smile and sidestep. Aradia skids past you, turning around to face you again.

"My turn!" You say.

**> Aggrieve  
>Assail  
*Abscond**

**== > Vriska: Input Konami Code!**

You successfully enter the code! You are rewarded with the customary 30 extra lives! Sadly, these are useless for this match.

**== > Vriska: Aggrieve.**

Alright, time to get down to business. You charge is close and aim a strike at Aradia!

**Roll: 5+2=7**

Aradia ducks under your attack. Okay, looks like she had you that time.

Aradia spins around and attempts a counter attack!

**Roll: 11-1=10**

You preform an unnecessary cartwheel out of the way! It doesn't really accomplish anything, but it gives the audience a nice look at your bare chest and the affect gravity has on it. Also, your hair wound up in your face.

Wow this match...hasn't been very exciting yet! A lot of dodging going on.

"Nice move!" Aradia says.

"Well...ain't seen nothing yet!" You reply, somewhat cliche-dly.

**> Aggrieve  
>Assail  
*Abscond**

**== > Vriska: Assail**

Ok, no more games! It's time to grab the bull by the horns...heh...so to speak.

**Roll: 16**

"Gotchya!" You say as you manage to grab Aradia and put her in a hold.

She struggles against the bondage, causing her chest to thrust outward. She aims a kick backward at you.

**Roll: 12(-2)=10**

Which misses. You've got her under your power now. What will you do?

**> Assail  
>Assault(Sexual) [upper, middle, lower]  
*Acquire**

**== > Vriska: Grab some boobs.**

You think it's time Aradia got a little taste of her own medicine. Now is as good a time as any to cop a feel.

**Roll: 15  
DRoll: 3**

Aradia gasps as you grab her right breast and begin to play with her nipple. It perks up in your hand. Her cheeks flush red a bit as she squirms.

Aradia tries to get break out of your grip.

**Roll: 5-2=3**

But she struggles in vain as you continue to play with her.

**Aradia:  
FP: 40/40  
DP: 3/16**

**Vriska:  
FP: 35/35  
DP 0/20**

"Hmm...what should we do next?" You ask teasingly.

**> Aggrieve  
>Assault  
*Acquire**

**== > Vriska: Let your hand wander south.**

You quickly distract Aradia by kissing the nape of her neck, causing her to squirm against you, then then slowly move your right hand downwards, trying to enter her panties.

**Roll: 14**

**== > Vriska: Be John**

You watch as Vriska tries to snake her hand inside Aradia's panties. You feel your face going kind of warm...this doesn't feel like the kind of thing you would normally watch with so many people.

Aradia notices the hand and swats it away though. She reaches behind her trying to grab a hold of Vriska's breasts. Vriska moves her body so the hand thuds against her stomach.

"Okay, this isn't really wrestling though, right? It's more like just...groping," You say.

"Bro, I don't know. I'm just going to assume it's some troll thing like pretty much always...this is one time I'll say they're one-up on us, though," Dave comments.

"I think they're just trying to distract each other so they can go for the underwear," Rose says, tilting her head to the side as the two trolls continue to struggle, causing Aradia's breasts to thrust outward again.

"So...who do you think's gonna win?" Jade asks.

"Us," Dave says simply.

**== > John: Be Vriska again.**

You are now Vriska, you still have Aradia captive, but there have been no significant changes over the past twenty seconds or however long it's been. Time to go again.

**> Assail  
>Assault  
*Acquire**


	50. STRIFE Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How will this exciting match conclude? Well, I can tell you it involves dice. Computerized dice, anyway, from a D&D website.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Rose interlude in the middle of this chapter is the first part that was written by SideAnon. Once it returns to Vriska, it's me again.

**== > Vriska: Attempt sloppy m8ke outs.**

This idea seems to make sense to you. You move your face towards Aradia's.

**Roll: 13  
DRoll: 2**

Your lips make contact. Aradia groans slightly and you grin against her lips, thrusting your tongue in and pulling her closer.

Aradia snakes her hand down your waist, trying to enter your panties.

**Roll: 19-2+2=19  
DRoll: 2**

Her hand slides in and brushes slightly your most intimate regions. You gasp, and manage to pull her hand out, but not before it sent a slight tingle through your body. You managed to maintain your hold on her, though just barely.

**Aradia:**  
FP: 40/40  
DP: 5/16 

**Vriska:**  
FP: 35/35  
DP 2/20 

Okay, that warrants retaliation, so now what?

**> Aggrieve**  
>Assault  
*Acquire 

**== > Vriska: Go for the boobs again!**

Yeah, those are pretty easy targets. You pull Aradia against you and try to make a grab at her breasts.

**Roll: 20!!!**  
DRoll: 3  
CritRoll: 3 

Aradia gasps as you once again grab one of her large boobs. Emboldened by your success, you let your other hand slip into her panties and sweep across her sex, teasing it slightly.

She lets out a soft moan and shivers. You bring your hand out and notice a slightly red sheen on it.

-Aradia is now QUITE FLUSTERED! She suffers a -2 penalty to attack rolls but gains +1 to distraction rolls. She also suffers a -2 penalty to ACQUIRE checks.  
-You may now use the ACQUIRE move! However, due to her FP still being high, a roll of 18 or higher would be necessary to succeed (normally it would be 20, because her FP is at max, but her current distraction level lowered the check by two points).

Aradia attempts to retaliate by slipping her hand inside your panties!

**Roll: 12+2-1+1=14**

You manage to catch her hand, though. Her breathing is heavy, and she begins to subtly grind against you.

**Aradia:**  
FP: 40/40  
DP: 11/16 

**Vriska:**  
FP: 35/35  
DP 2/20 

What will you do?

**> Aggrieve**  
>Assault  
>Acquire 

**== > Vriska: Be Rose**

You are now ROSE LALONDE, and you are presently watching two women forcefully attempt to fingerbang each other whilst resisting such upon themselves. You would not normally be so crass, but there really is no other adequate way to describe it. The supposition is that they are each trying to remove the underwear from the other, but they have obviously forgone any real interest in overpowering by muscle. And given that they were FURIOUSLY MAKING OUT not five minutes prior, one can only conclude that they both struck upon an opportunity for sexual dominance in the guise of a card game.

That they're both aliens only adds to the experience. What an entertaining evening this has been. And here you were, feeling put out and exposed for being a naked spectator to the back half of the game.

To chalk up another unexpectedly erotic milestone, you can see that Vriska's hand has come away from Aradia's nether regions with a sticky memento. You would never admit it out loud, lest CERTAIN PARTIES become aware, but you have for some time been IDLY CURIOUS (and only idly, really) about what amounts to Troll Genitalia, and this is certain to be a perfect opportunity. There is no logical reason to expect it to be anything like Human Genitalia, but given how many vestigial morphological details your species share, it would not be surprising to find more similarities. Why do Trolls even have breasts anyway?

You promised yourself you wouldn't be thinking about those. It's getting flustering.

To keep things intellectual, you can distract yourself by pondering the implications of that russet glaze on Vriska's fingers that she's smearing over Aradia's nipple. (Keep it together Lalonde.) Considering the extent of their sanguinary phenotyping, and your lifetime of experience with Human Genitalia of the Female Persuasion, you can guess one of two things. Either Trolls regularly bleed from their vaginal-equivalents, moreso than Humans anyway, and this is a perfectly normal occurrence. Or the dye permeating their blood and thinner flesh also accents their other bodily fluids.

Of course, the latter would by extension mean that Aradia is presently REALLY TURNED ON. You are not sure which possibility is more worrisome. Since either at least female Trolls have blood seeping from the genitals (not that you have any intention of exploring such a place, really you don't), or Aradia is feeling even more comfortably promiscuous than you thought a few minutes ago. She looks like she would be equally at ease making out with anyone in the room.

Now where did that thought come from?

**== > Vriska: Attempt more smooches.**

You seem to have her on the ropes. A little bit more should push her over the edge. Her chest heaves as she breathes heavily. She bites down on her lip, trying to center herself.

You attack her mouth

**Roll: 15  
DRoll: 2**

Your lips connect with hers. She hardly fights you, her tongue swirls in your mouth.

She makes a grab for your breasts while you continue to kiss her.

**Roll: 17+2-2+1=18  
DRoll: 3**

You were distracted, and she was able to to get her hands on your chest! She begins to play with your exposed boob, flicking the nipple. You let out a slight moan and your arms slacken a bit.

It's enough. Aradia is finally able to extricate herself. She stands upright, but still seems to be biting her lip in a heightened state of arousal.

**Aradia:**  
FP: 40/40  
DP: 13/16 

**Vriska:**  
FP: 35/35  
DP 5/20 

Humph. Minor setback. You've got this thing in the bag. It's no time to be getting soft, now.

**> Aggrieve**  
>Assail  
*Abscond 

**== > Vriksa: Recapture your victim!**

Yeah!!!!!!!!

"Just where do you think you're going?" You say, with maximum cockiness.

**Roll: 17**

Aradia sucks in her breath as you once again grab her. She once again attempts a grab at your breasts.

**Roll: 2+2-2+1=3**

But you catch her hand before she even makes contact.

"Oh nonono you don't! You're all mine!" You say

**> Aggrieve**  
>Assault  
>Acquire 

**== > Vriska: Finish this!**

You smirk and move your hand slowly down Aradia's belly to her panties.

**Roll: 17  
DRoll: 4**

**Aradia:**  
FP: 40/40  
DP: 17/16! 

**!!!SEXY KO!!!**

You giggle slightly as Aradia feebly tries to keep your hand from between her legs, but she doesn't fight long. As soon as your hand makes contact with her nethers she lets out a genuine and quite audible moan. Her hips buck against you hand, and she begins riding your fingers in spite of herself.

Aradia sinks down to the ground and you sink with her. You begin to attack her neck with your mouth, slathering your tongue along her collarbone, and your free hand begins to play with her ample chest. Her nipples are jutting out at their fullest extent.

Your hand working on her entrance has become slippery and harder to maneuver, but you keep up the pace. Her breathing and moaning is reaching a fever pitch. Her panties have worked themselves halfway down her thighs, leaving her most delicate parts and shapely ass completely exposed. There is a tuft of raven hair on her pelvis. You could take the garment and win now, but you figure you might as well finish her off. You have a captive audience right now, anyway. The humans are staring wide-eyed at the spectacle; part turned on, part completely dumbfounded.

Finally Aradia's toes curl and she lifts her head skyward and lets out a loud, squealing moan. You feel a warm rushing flow past your still teasing digits. A torrent of red liquid has pooled on the ground and now covers your hand. Aradia's leg still twitches in orgasm. You finally stop pumping your fingers. You remove your hand and wipe the soaked appendage on the ground.

You take the panties around Aradia's thighs and pull them easily down the rest of her legs and off her feet. She makes no attempt at resistance. She lies down on her back and breathes heavily, her chest heaving. You twirl her panties for a few seconds before tossing them on to your clothing pile. It's your trophy now.

"That..." Aradia finally manages to say. "Was worth it."

You smile mischievously, lean down and kiss the corner of Araida's mouth. She moans slightly again. You stand up and return to the spot on the floor where you've been sitting the whole game.

"You're supposed to do a turn, Aradia." You say teasingly.

Aradia takes a few deep breathes and finally stumbles to her feet. Her legs still look pretty shaky, but she manages a full 360 degree turn, showing off all her assets, before sitting back down, still breathing hard.

The humans slowly scoot back to their seats, eying the trolls like they'd just seen aliens for the first time.

"So yeah..." Dave says. "That happened."

Vriska gathers up the long forgotten cards and prepares to deal.

"Oh right, there was like a game going on or something." Dave says.


	51. After STRIFE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This interlude was written by SideAnon.

**== > Vriska: Be John**

You cannot be John right now, as John is still recovering his wits from watching live hardcore pornography. Is it actually porn if its live? This is the kind of existential question his mind is too preoccupied with to be a viewpoint character.

**== > Vriska: Be Aradia**

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

**== > Vriska: Be Dave**

DAVE STRIDER in the hizzouse. Okay, so, naked chick wrestling is supposed to be erotic and all, but the WWE Stripper League wouldn't call that 'wrestling'. You're not complaining, but... Don't tell anybody, which you can't because you're simultaneously Dave and a non-intervening omniscient narrator, but that was pretty fucking intimidating. Like, if you had to choose between watching two boxers beat the hell out of each other, and Vriska and Aradia grope each other to orgasm, the boxers would make you feel less INADEQUATE.

And before you say it, no homo.

A quick glance around the room gives the slight reassurance that you're not alone. Gotta be cold as ice, total cowboy poker here, 'cause shades or no shades, nobody's gonna see you squirm because you just watched two people lose their virginity. You don't know if that's technically true, because both of these chicks seem kinda forward, but as of this moment the two trolls in the room have indisputably reached MORE BASES than the present half of the HUMAN RACE combined. We're talking on-base records worlds apart here.

Let's see here. Yeah, Jade is all flustered, which may or may not be a GOOD THING. You'd certainly like to do things that your SUAVE GENTLEMANLY SIDE would never let you put into words regarding Jade, and watching that might have sucked all the fun out of it for her. Or it might have sucked all the anxiety out of it for her. Or, y'know what, stop thinking about sucking, the time'll come when the time comes.

John's totally fucked up, of course. Hard to tell if he kept that boner through the show, you've been making a point not to look in the general direction of his crotch after THE LAST TIME.

Ditto looking in your sister's direction, because that'd be powerfully uncool. Then just as you confirm that Rose is as WEIRDED OUT as you are, even though you have some STRONG SUSPICIONS about her because seriously everyone can see it, she manages to break your concentration.

"Not to be the one introducing prudishness, because that's certainly out the window, but before we start tossing cards around, is anyone going to clean that up?"


	52. Hand 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Karkat and Terezi interlude (from "Be Karkat" onward) was done by SideAnon. Once it shifts back to the game, it's me again.

**== > Vriska: Be Jade.**

You are now Jade Harley, returning to regularly scheduled programming...whatever that means. That was...a very different experience. You aren't exactly sure what to make of it yet.

"Not to be the one introducing prudishness, because that's certainly out the window, but before we start tossing cards around, is anyone going to clean that up?" Rose pipes up, pointing at the floor.

You suddenly look at the red puddle on the ground.

"Oh...um..." You say, your cheeks reddening. Aradia also looks, for once, embarrassed as well. Vriska just grins.

"I guess...uh..." You say before quickly raising your hand and making it vanish in a flash of green light. There's about a seconds pause before...

"OH MY FUCK WHAT...WHAT IS THIS?" A voice rings out from a distant room. "IS THIS...OH FUCK PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS FUCKING BLOOD, KANAYA!"

A few more seconds of silence.

"THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT TIME TO LIE JUST NOW! WAY TO DROP THE BALL THERE! I'M FOREVER UNCLEAN NOW!"

"YES...HA HA...VERY FUNNY OTHER LALONDE. THIS HAS NO DOUBT RAISED THE TRICKSTER WHATEVER-THE-FUCK-O-METER FOR SOMEONE. SO MANY LAUGHS WERE HAD. NOW IF YOU EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO TAKE A MILLION SEARING SHOWERS."

Another brief pause.

"WHAT? I MEAN...YEAH, SURE WHATEVER IF YOU WANT. THAT'S KIND OF WEIRD...BUT THIS BETTER NOT JUST BE BECAUSE OF THE...YOU KNOW...RED. LET'S...JUST GO BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE FUCKING TERRIBLE HAPPENS."

You hear two people pass the room.

"SERIOUSLY GUYS WHAT THE FUCK!" Is shouted at the door before the two sets of footsteps leave. The other begins a giggling cackle as they fade into the distance.

There is a brief pause, before an outbreak of raucous laughter. The group breaks down for about two minutes, before finally regaining their composure in the throws of slowly declining giggles.

It seems at some point during the events your cards were made ready.

**You've got: 7(H), 7(D), K(D), Q(C), 2(D)**

Not bad. Not great, but not bad.

Dave takes three cards. He looks a little annoyed with them. You wait for Aradia to go but then remember she's out. Looks like you're up now.

**== > Jade: Be Karkat**

Fuck no, get out of here.

**== > Jade: Be Terezi**

You are now TEREZI PYROPE, witness to the BEST THING in paradox space. You almost can't put into words how fabulous it is. Karkat is fuming mad and drenched in RED, and it's TASTY RED too, and now he thinks he's going to wash up to recover his PITIFUL little bit of dignity. You're not letting him out of your smell until he gets there, but your mind is still racing on what to do then.

Bubblegum Lalonde's HUMAN ETHANOL BEVERAGES have put you into a mood more PLAYFUL that your normal Pyrope Standards. Watching Kanaya turn bright green after tasting the Mysterious Red Substance that appearified over Karkat was just too much to bear. Surely the greatest prank ever to everyone who knows her. Not that you could help but give it a taste yourself, and damn was it sweet.

You're all going to have the BEST CONVERSATION about this later on. Maybe even throw in some of Roxy's suggestions, since that taste has left you feeling a little RAUNCHY, even though you're just joking. At least you think you're joking. You don't really care if you're not.

It's not like you were INTO GIRLS or anything, but even when you had eyeballs, you thought Aradia was cute as a button. She was so lucky getting an aspect with a matching color, and you've made no secret of thinking she came back to life FOXY AS HELL in that adorable red hoodie.

And judging by Karkat's new paintjob, she must look alright without the hoodie too.

Thinking about it sends you back to giggling, completely forgetting that you've ridden Karkat's arm all the way to the ABLUTION TRAP. He's scowling at you, more than usual even, with his shirt off. The dope probably thinks you were giggling at him.

"I KNOW EVERYTHING IS A FUCKING JOKE TO YOU, BUT IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO OH FUCK WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" You crank his shouting down to talking and heal his wounded pride the best way, seizing him by the shoulders and painting your tongue up his chest. Some dark red splashed all over his neck and dripped down his collar. Delicious. "DAMMIT, YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS, STOP THAT, YOU'RE GETTING IT ALL MMMPH!!!" You've got a nice wave of red building, and work your way up the side of his jaw before, quick as a flash, fitting your tongue between flapping fangs to baste the inside of his mouth. You'd be disappointed if he didn't fight about it for a second, shouting into your lips, before the mutual struggling turns plain mutual. The momentum of your MOUTH ATTACK and Karkat going WEAK AT THE KNEES tumbles you both into the trap.

Okay, knocking your teeth together kinda hurt, but no big deal.

"H4V3 1 3V3R M3NT1ON3D HOW F4NT4ST1C YOU 4R3 WH3N M4R1N4T3D?"

"ABOUT A HUNDRED TIMES, YES. THERE HAVE TO BE EASIER, LESS HORRIFYING, WAYS TO GET YOU TO KISS ME THAN HAVING SOME SKANK'S RUSTY PAIL UPENDED ON MY HEAD."

"4R4D14 T4ST3S PR3TTY GOOD DO3SN'T SH3?"

"YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND."

This is so much more fun now that he's finally stopped worrying about other people knowing it. You do him the favor of meeting him halfway by pulling your shirt off in one motion - straight over your glasses like a champ - before you get back to licking him clean. He spends most of the time complaining about how he'll need to wash up even more afterward. You make sure he's right.

**== > Jade: Keep sevens.**

Yep. Pretty basic strategy there.

**You get: 10(C), 6(D), 3(H)**

Welp...those are all around inferior cards to the ones you had. You still have your pair, though.

John takes four cards and grimaces. Vriska takes one and grins.

"Let's go!" Vriska says.

**Dave has: Ace high  
You have: A pair of 7s  
John has: Queen high  
Vriska has: Two pair; 9s and 3s**

A look of glee crosses Vriska's face.

"Yessssssss! Best possible outcome! And better still, I won! So I did it! Go on, Pupa! Take 'em offffffff!" She says in a fit of mirth.

John sighs and puts his fingers into the waistband of his blue boxers. And that's when you turn and look at Dave instead, because some things are better left a mystery, if you can help it. You decide your brother's male parts are one of them.

**== > Jade: Be Vriska**

You are now Vriska and even if you lose the very next hand you would still feel like a winner. Goal accomplished. You did exactly what you wanted to.

John drags the boxers off while keeping his legs closed together. He clears the underwear from his feet and tosses them aside, holing both hands over his groin and blushing furiously. Rose seems to be giggling, but is patting him on the shoulder supportively anyway.

"John...the rules..." Aradia pipes up from across the room. You look at her. She looks clinically interested. John stands up and does a quick turn, his hands still plastered over his crotch. You see his ass as he spins ridiculously fast on the spot. Not bad, you think. Definite good marks from the Alternian judge.

"Joooooooohn," Vriska says teasingly. "Hands down, John."

"Ugh...fiiiine," He says. He drops his hands slowly to his side and you get your first ever glimpse at a human boy thing. It seems pretty similar to a bone bulge, you guess, but human colored, naturally. It would probably normally extend downward but it seems to be sticking up. You can make a guess as to why. This was definitely worth the wait and associated personal embarrassment.

After a few more seconds, John sits back down next to Rose, using his legs to hide himself as best as he can. She giggles and runs her fingers through his hair. He still looks pretty cutely embarrassed, though.

Dave breaks away from making googly eyes at Jade.

"Don't worry, bro. Got this all sewn up. Male gender is totes gonna pull out the win here. You'll be avenged and all that. It'll be great."

"We'll see," Jade says, a hint of a tease in her voice.

You toss the cards to Dave.


	53. Hand 50

**== > Vriska: Be Jade.**

It's down to three now. You and Dave are tied for the lead. You each have underwear and a dare apiece. Vriska just has her panties left. It's anyone's game, but you're more determined than ever. You can do this!

It takes Dave a lot less time to hand out the cards with only three of you. You look at yours.

**You've got: K(D), J(S), 10(D), 8(C), 6(S)**

Hmm. A little trickier than your last couple of hands, you've got to admit. Two face cards and a ten. Basic makings of a straight, but that's basically asking for a miracle. Though either way you're going to need some good luck.

You're up first, though, so you can't dally too long...

**== > Jade: Keep the king.**

You suppose that's for the best. There's not exactly a lot to work with here.

**You get: Q(H), 10(S), 9(D), 2(H)**

Huh...should have kept that 10, you guess. This is...not the best hand. You have to hope for big fails from your fellow players.

Vriska also takes four cards. Okay...could be good. She looks fairly sour until the last card, where she adopts a "meh" face. Dave takes four cards as well. Nice. He exhales but his eyebrows knit more with each card as he cocks his head to the side.

"Let's go." He says.

**You have: King high  
Vriska has: Ace high  
Dave has: Two pair; Aces and 5s**

Your heart sinks. Vriska smirks and Dave looks at you quizzically.

Well there's not way you're giving up now. You grab the dare jar and reach inside.

The card reads: "You have to griiiiiiiind on the winner like a gru8 pole for one minute!"

You read the card aloud to the room at large. Vriska's grin grows even wider, and suddenly you realize what it means. Your cheeks begin to feel intensely hot. Sure, on paper this would have sounded great to you a while ago, but now that you're faced with it you can't help but feel REALLY nervous.

Dave looks like he might speak, and you know he's going to get all noble and tell you that you don't have to do anything you don't want to, but you give him your best Jade Harley furious stare and he doesn't say a word. Yes, that would be really sweet of him and yeah you swooned and bit at the thought of him going all knight on you again, but frankly you don't want to look weak...because you aren't.

This is why you're here. You've made up your mind. Someone's world is about to get rocked.

You stand up and approach Dave, never breaking eye contact. You hope your hips are swaying in a HYPNOTIC FASHION, but really you'd settle for your knees not shaking. You reach him quicker than you thought you would. He seemed so far away at first.

You gingerly sit yourself down on his lap. He's still looking right at you and you know that it's your move. You slowly begin to shift your hips, moving your pelvis against his thigh. You're all too aware that just a few tiny bits of cloth are all the separate you entirely from him. He seems aware too, as you see him looking slightly nervous for the first time.

This emboldens you. You're having an affect. You drape your arms around his shoulders and begin to buck your hips more in earnest. He sucks in his breath the tiniest bit. You move your face close to his. Your noses are almost touching. You move your mouth slowly towards his. His lips part in anticipation.

You pull back. You hear the slightest of grunts. Frustration, perhaps. He earned that one himself. You begin to feel something between his legs. You have a pretty good idea what it is. You continue to grind.

He sits there, gritting his teeth. You see the tiniest hint of his tongue caught between them. You sweep in fast, and bring your lips to his. The contact is electric. It doesn't take long for you to forget what you're doing.

Your hips stop as his arms surround you and pull you in closer. All you're focused on is the kiss. You feel his tongue against your own and you let your fingers rake slowly through his hair. You let out a moan as you feel him press up against you.

Your hands and his begin roaming around each other. He makes a brief pass over your breasts, which sends a pleasant shock through your body. He then moves down to your lower back. You feel the contours of his arms, his sides and his back, becoming acquainted with the feel of him. It is both just exactly like and yet so completely different from what you imagined.

You aren't sure how long the kiss lasts, but eventually you hear a throat clearing from somewhere to your left.

"I think that's way over a minute now," you hear Vriska say, her voice filled with amusement.

You break apart. You feel your face flush. Dave has the tiniest of smirks at the corner of his mouth as he looks at you. He takes a strand of hair that has fallen into your face and tucks it behind your ear.

That's almost too smooth, Mr. Strider.

**== > Jade: Be past Dave.**

You are now Dave Strider, an unknown number of minutes (hell, maybe hours) in the past. Jade has just read off her dare to the group.

Her face flushes bright red. It's basically too adorable. But, despite how completely awesome it sounds to have Jade dry humping you in naught but her panties, you don't want to make her feel like she has to-

Well, it looks like she read your mind before you could utter a single awesomely chivalrous word. Her look tells you plainly to shut up and sit your ass down because this is happening. So you guess you better just prepare for that then like one chill motherfucker.

Problem is, you're anything but chill right now. In fact, the amount of butterflies in your stomach at this very moment could be described as "substantial." And now Jade is getting up and walking to you. And she's swaying her hips with the best of them and you know she's got you dead to rights. Because Jade always has you dead to rights. There's no way you can keep your cool here.

All at once she's all over you and you barely know what to do with yourself. The friction between the two of you immediately sets of a reaction downstairs, and you know no amount of sports is going to keep that situation under control. Jade goes to kiss you and you are so ready for that...but of course she pulls back. Because God damn it you deserved that.

By now the situation in your shorts has basically reached "very noticeable" levels and you're having a hard time thinking about anything coherent. Jade pulls you in for a real kiss this time and the world...just melts away. Everything stops making sense. And yet at the exact same time, things have never been clearer.

Your body works on autopilot. You feel Jade's creamy-smooth skin beneath your fingers. And you're pretty sure nothing you felt before or will again will quite match up to that. She lets out a moan and you just about lose it right there. You have no idea what you did right in your life to deserve this, but you give big ups to whatever cosmic force allowed this to happen.

All too soon she pulls away. You were vaguely aware of Vriska saying something. Probably calling time or some such bullshit. You don't care though. Jade is staring at you with those big green eyes. A strand of her raven hair has fallen in front of them, and you put that shit right back where it belongs.

Yeah. Kodak fucking moment right here.

**== > Dave: Be Jade.**

You continue to sit on Dave's lap, probably grinning like an idiot. Everyone is pretty quiet. Especially Rose and John. Then again, they've seemed kind of distracted for a while now. You're not entirely sure they were all that aware of what just happened.

"Um...aren't you supposed to do that now, Aradia?" Vriska says somewhat playfully, gesturing at you and Dave.

Your head snaps in the direction of Aradia, who has gone red in the face.

"Well...I don't...uh...think I could top that..." She says, shyly. A lot of Aradia's boldness seems to have melted away with her and Vriska's activities.

When no one objects Vriska sighs.

"Fiiiiiiiine. You owe me, though. We'll have to figure out something to do about that," she says with a smirk.

Eventually you realize you're still on Dave's lap and you can still very much feel his...yeah. You carefully stand up and make it back to your seat, grabbing the cards as you sit down.


	54. A Helping Hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This interlude was written bu SideAnon, and takes place during the previous hand.

**== > Jade: Be Aradia**

You are once again ARADIA MEGIDO, regrettably. No, no regrets, not at all, but... You were already SURPRISING YOURSELF with your cavalier attitude earlier in the game. Now, you have to sit here naked as the day you were hatched, covered in sweat and OTHER THINGS besides, with four of your HUMAN FRIENDS who just watched you dump a pail on the floor with the girl who you once DESPISED.

With that wad of HORMONES ejected from your system, you're feeling a lot less at ease about the whole thing. Being out of the game at least means nobody's attention is focused on you, but it also leaves you alone with your THOUGHTS.

You notice the rather dire look on John's face, as he looks like he's whispering something to Rose. He sure acted awfully embarrassed about having to let everyone see his Human Bone Bulge. It's the only one you've seen yet (yet?), but he's definitely got nothing to worry about in that department. There must be something troubling him...

**== > Aradia: Be Rose**

You are now an increasingly anxious and entertained ROSE LALONDE, and if he hadn't once already awoken you with a KISS from a DARK CORRUPTION, you'd swear you were turning EVIL again just thinking about THE BOY you've lounged yourself upon. Pitying him would take a genuine effort, after he stared wide-eyed at all the female sexuality hanging about on display (you were entitled to stare, as a matter of due course), he's in no position to think himself entitled to preserving his dignity.

Well, yes he is. He just has to be convinced that there's more to DIGNITY than discretion and etiquette. Things like being comfortable in his own skin. What an extraordinary turn of events that Rose Lalonde is in such a position to say so, and try to instruct John Egbert so. Sitting NAKED in a room full of friends has done wonders for your sense of equanimity.

His shoulder is already your leaning post, his body folded halfway into the fetal position with his arms wrapped around his knees to keep the IMPORTANT PARTS of himself marginally hidden from view. You could write a book on the symbolism. He looks so terribly nervous, although surprisingly more confident without his glasses. Perhaps it's just that hard stare he has to adopt to clearly see the far side of the room. Poor boy.

Cautiously, your left hand insinuates itself into his privacy, sliding so very slowly over his folded leg. He takes notice immediately, but makes no move to interrupt you, simply turning down to confirm what he feels. You dare not look him in the eye yet, no need to ruin the surprise. Closer. Closer. Smooth skin. Thin hair.

And there, at last, with the lightest touch you inspect your prize. "Your" prize, really, just listen to yourself. You've given the genetics and the incredibly small sample size of the current human population considerable thought, but that's all so far removed from what you've experienced in the last hour.

It's nice to finally be able to abandon academic pretext and at least approach the hard reality in practice. Oh, just look at that double entendre, sitting there calling attention to itself.

Your gaze turns upwards, to meet John with your best Lalonde-family attempt at dusky eyes. He wears an expression like he's about to open a birthday present that might contain a rattlesnake, whilst furtively glancing between your hand and the other four people in the room. Certainly, you have him at a horrible advantage, and could do any number of awfully embarrassing things right now.

Ah, Ms. Megido has taken note. The others are still distracted by their game, and John hasn't yet-

"John, are you alright? You look a little sick."

At the sound of his name John suddenly looks like he's about to turn inside out, and probably wishes he could. The rest of the world be damned, you could fall in love with that pure honesty.

"Oh, he's fine Aradia," you answer in his stead. It would take him hours to find his tongue. "Just a bit lacking in your brand of aplomb." Parry and return, John's honor preserved.

For later.

**== > Rose: Be John**

Amazingly, you manage to be JOHN EGBERT, minutes ago. You're flexing every once of MANGRIT in your being to not lose your cool in front of your friends. Because one friend in particular is getting a bit beyond FRIENDLY. Like, WAY BEYOND friendly.

She's really-

Dude, she's-

Rose's hand is on your junk. There, that fact is on the table where your whole brain can see it. She's not even looking at you, she just has her hand over your leg touching your... your-

"You have to grind on the winner like a grubpole for one minute."

Wait what? Oh, they're talking about the game. Aw, Jade lost a hand and now... She's doing a dare. Good, seeing your sister naked, more naked, would be pretty weird. You got all the way here without that happening, and that's a record you plan to hold as a good sibling.

What the heck is a grubpole anyway? Grubs are Troll babies, right? But 'grind' makes it sound like a stripper thing, and what does that-

Nevermind, Trolls are weird. And good kissers.

Jade's shaking her butt as she walks over to Dave. You think you should say something, but Jade's smart enough to know what she wants to do with her own butt. Hey, Dave gets the grind thing? Good for him, you guess. You really don't need to watch your sister and best bro act nasty right now, you've got enough risque stuff on your plate.

In this case, the plate is your groin. And what's on it is Rose's hand. You are not fucking getting over it.

This game sounded like it'd be a fun and adult-ish thing to do, to celebrate everyone finally being together and being a little older. That was the idea. But now you and your three longest friends, surely the Four Best Friends There Ever Were, are naked in one room and almost doing it.

Y'know, have...

C'mon Pooplord, you're way old enough to say-

Rose is looking up at you looking down at her hand. Oh crap. Yeah, that stuff you were thinking about? Meaningless. She's smiling a little and batting her lashes over those bright purple eyes. If your life depended on saying what the sexiest thing in the world is, that would be it. Then she looks away a bit and you're afraid you must have looked at her all retarded or something, but if she didn't like you this much her hand probably-

"John, are you alright? You look a little sick."

And there goes the universe. That was Aradia's voice. Boom, busted. Everyone can see Rose giving you a handjob and they know you're super confused. We had a nice run Mr. Egbert, but the game is over.

"Oh, he's fine Aradia," says the coolest, smoothest voice you've ever heard. "Just a bit lacking in your brand of aplomb." You glance down at Rose, then back at the room. Aradia just shrugs and kinda folds in on herself, idly watching Jade wiggling around on Dave. They're totally into it. Vriska's watching them too. Like she didn't even notice, which is amazing because she's been all up in your business lately.

You shouldn't be thinking about Vriska when Rose is already doing what she's doing. Everything but the floor, her body, and your body fade away while your head goes all fuzzy.

It's probably unfair to Rose that you're all embarrassed about this. You don't even know why. Two of your friends are getting hot and sloppy a few feet away, and the “wrestling” match is still boggling your mind. Maybe because Rose didn't draw a card saying “stroke off the person to your left” or something. Which means she's doing it because she just wants to? Well obviously. Which you really should be fucking ecstatic about, that a beautiful girl wants to touch you like this, but you're actually kinda completely terrified.

Because... It's Rose. If there were more than eight humans anywhere she'd be way out of your league. She's been your best friend for years. You've had years to tell her you really like her. Like, more than a friend like her. You joined a racy card game to work up the nerve to tell her, and after making out twice you still can't do it.

And maybe because for probably the first time in her life, Rose decided she didn't need to say anything, or pretend it's a joke when she really means it, and just did something crazy. And it was about you. That's-

“We'll have to figure out something to do about that.” Oh hey, Dave and Jade are done making out. Crap, be cool Egbert.


	55. Hand 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The middle interlude involving Vriska and such was written by SideAnon. The game parts were written by me.

**== > Jade: Deal**

You're still kind of in a daze. That was your first real makeout session in your life and a much better experience than the first time you kissed Dave. You guess that kiss just now answered a lot of questions, but raised a lot more. Hell, this whole teenager thing is confusing.

Sometimes you miss the old days, just you and Bec and a whole bunch of disappearing pumpkins. There were certainly fewer complications but...well...after what just happened, you're pretty sure you don't really ever want to go back. Sure, it's more complicated and filled with all these EMOTIONS you didn't have to deal with before, but...damn, it's also fun.

Okay. Back on task. You're down one chance. You've only got one left! You're tied with Vriska, and Dave is now in the lead. Not much you can do about that but hope for some good card fortune.

You hand out the cards and wait for the requests.

Vriska asks for three cards. She takes them and narrows her eyes. They shift side to side. Dave also takes three. he knits his eyebrows at his return.

Hmm. Safe to say thy both at least have pairs, but the question is...of what? Let's see what you've got.

**You've got: J(H), J(S), Q(H), 9(S), 4(C)**

Pair. Nice.

Okay...so what to do now?

**== > Jade: Be Dave**

Dave Strider still has some Jade Harley in him. You'll have to try again later.

**== > Jade: Be Vriska Again**

VRISKA SERKET, gam8lignant extraordinaire, at your service. Except NOT, because you're not at anyone's SERVICE, and you damn sure intend to keep it that way. Which is going great so far. You're basically OOOOOOOOWNING this game, it's all but in the bag.

Okay, Strider still has a DARE to burn before losing his boxers. Quite a little tent he's building there. You briefly wonder what it looks like compared to JOHN's, just in case one of them is a mutant or something. Not that it would matter, it's not like you have a vested interest in any other Human Boy Things besides that one.

Dave's just this side of hideous anyway. What's with that hair, is he sick or something? Bright red eyes too. Gotta be a MUTANT. He wouldn't last a day as a Troll, that's for sure. (And damn does he have a bony ass. You thought you had it bad.) Watching him tongue-wrestle the bitchwitch was kinda funny at first, but there's only so much of that anyone could stand.

Oh yeah. And then there's Harley.

You used to think she just rubbed you the WRONG WAY somehow. If you were anyone but Vriska you'd ask why, but you are Vriska, so you just wonder about it when it's called out and then tell them to piss off while not answering. Probably just because Tavros took such a PATHETIC SHINE to her and you were still all tangled up in FEELINGS AND PROBLEMS then. She even shot him down too. Is that why? That she clearly has a terrible eye for suitors? That's almost worse than having to COMPETE with her.

Every once in a while, you almost feel like apologizing to her, for knocking her out a few thousand times, but Jade doesn't know it was you, so why bother? She's not so bad, or at least BORING now that you've gotten to know her a little.

She has to be CHEATING though, you're sure of it. How couldn't she be, with all those WITCHY POWERS? If you had those powers, you'd be cheating your butt off. She held onto her clothes the longest, and both dares got Dave's mouth all over her. They're probably both doing it, Dave's been trying to humiliate you the whole time, however bad he is at it.

Just your luck you'd get stuck at the end with the two biggest cheats in the game. Aside from your paler, frumpier Counterpart of Light over there.

You can HEAR her. Sweet-talking your John. Well, let her try, he's had his TASTE of you, he knows what he wants. That hussy couldn't even win a lousy card game (like you), even with VISION LUCKFOLD on her side. You're clearly the superior here. Or maybe she's trying to play at John's endless SYMPATHIES by losing so handily? Rose is a crafty one alright, she might be playing the long con the whole time.

No, don't look over there. There'll be time to reconcile this later. PEACEFULLY, you remind yourself, can't let John see you lose your cool. Can't take your eyes off the two cheats you're already competing with either. Focus Serket. Take your head out of the game, and it's all over...

**== > Vriska: Be Dave**

Let's take it from the top. DAVE STRIDER with the BREAKDOWN. Also with the makeouts. Breakdown first. All you gotta do is get lucky enough to not lose more than one hand, and you're gonna GET LUCKY like no man has gotten lucky before.

That's not the breakdown. One DARE left on the scoreboard. Shorts have a SITUATION going on. Were John's godbriefs this uncomfortable? You didn't take too close a look, because it's not like you need his dick WORMING its way around in your head any more than it does. Bad image, get back to the breakdown. You don't know how HIS stacks up to YOURS, and you're not exactly eager to find out.

Break it down.

You really are of course, because every man is, but it'd be neither CHILL nor SOLID to ever ever say so. It's not even like there's non-familial tail for you to compete over, but there's still a room full of girls to impress and an eternity of gossip to spread, and if it's your dick versus John's, MYSTERY may or may not work in your favor. And especially since it's John and destiny served him everything but 20/20s on a silver platter, you can guess how that one'll go down.

C'mon, breakdown, let's go.

It's not weird for dudes to think about another dude's penis, right? Right. It's competition, that's all. That's how MANLINESS works. Normal.

Sweet ballin' Jesus Strider, did you just think that? Quick, look at Jade's tits. A'ight.

Your KNIGHTLY instincts can throw a shit fit all they want about it, that bewitching booty is the only thing keeping your from BREAKING DOWN at this point. Which is ironic, since she's what melted your ice anyway. Had it nice and frosty 'til she came along, so frosty HER TONGUE should have stuck to it. Man that's some entendre you got going.

Can't get rid of those INSTINCTS though. Obviously she's gotten wise to your chivalry gig, and ain't that happy about it. You always thought she was the one that needed protecting, since you know Rose like you know yourself and John is John. She doesn't always appreciate that assessment, and you can't blame her. You're on the same WAVELENGTH though, she can see right through you. That's pretty hot, actually.

But fuck. What if you WIN? You can't be proud about it, it'd mean Jade lost and you can't go rubbing that in her face (don't think about rubbing anything in her face). What if you FORFEIT? She'd be insulted, maybe pissed, or at least distracted from wanting to kiss you (don't go assuming shit it's insulting, no matter how obvious). What if you LOSE? You're right back where you started with a headful of John's dong. No, m- ROOM full, goddamn.

So that's it, broken down. Surely the GREATEST CONFLICT man has ever known. Either your shlong is out, and it may or may not be the most IMPRESSIVE one in the room (even if it tries its hardest, oh snap, dubs), or you trounce the girl you're trying to WOO-SLASH-TITILLATE at a meaningless game. Oh yeah, or Vriska gets to gloat up a storm about beating the two of you, doing her damnedest to ruin the mood like she does everything, after you're both rendered naked by force.

Pride. Respect. Consequences. Never in history have so many adolescents' possibilities of GETTING LAID depended so heavily on a CARD GAME, you're sure of it. Fuckin' X-rated underage Japanese Trading Pocket Monsters up in here.

It's the bottom of the ninth, the last yard line, seconds before the buzzer, and you've gotta choose between sinking it from downtown or sinking it for the honor of a lady.

Maybe you should look at your cards now. Oh yeah dude, you're stone cold.

**== > Dave: Be Jade and do the obvious pair thing.**

Of course you were going to do that. Did you even need to ask I mean how HIGH do you even have to BE to not guess that?

Anyway, you trade in everything but your jacks because you kind of need those.

**You get: 2(S), 2(C), 10(S)**

Well, no jacks, but you'll take that two pair! Yessir and other colloquial affirmative phrases.

"Alright...whaddya got?" you say.

**Vriska has: A pair of 4s  
Dave has: Three of a kind; 9s  
You have: Two pair; Jacks and 2s**

"Uggggggggh!" Vriska exclaims, disgusted.

"I believe that's score one for humanity," you say, allowing yourself a smirk.

"Which makes the score about 80-zillion to chump, which is pretty much what your race is comprised of. Like always we got this shit nailed down tighter than the most countrified of farmhouses expecting a raging storm of oh snap, which was just served to you on the most glittering of platters." Dave says.

"Okaaaaaaaay I get it!"

"No, all I'm saying is; If you were on an island populated with the most seasoned of British butlers, even they would be shocked at the amount of serving that just took place. They would be shamed all the way to their unflappable cores at just how thoroughly you were served. They would look upon sheer quality and enormity of the servitude they had just witnessed and known that no...they could never match up to that."

Vriska simply glares at Dave.

She stands up with another sigh, thrusts her fingers in the waistband of her panties and tugs the garment down fast, with little fanfare. She kicks the luminescent underwear away with her right foot.

Her pubic hair is dark, just like Aradia's...and all trolls you guess. It seems to be trimmed pretty neatly. You...don't know why you're paying attention to that. Just curious, you guess? That wasn't a thing you even thought about when you were younger. Now in the company of your more socially savvy friends things like that kind of worry you. Like maybe you're doing it wrong? You think you manage that ok, though. You mean...maintenance IS performed. You are at least paying some attention to why are you even freaking out about this now?

Oh...well, you guess that could relevant to you here should...you know...the worst come to pass. Maybe you should focus on something else.

Vriska is doing her turn now. She's got a nice...erm...backside...you guess? Aradia's got her beat on curves, though. Rose does too, you think. You...you guess you're about comparable with her? You aren't as shapely in that area as you'd like. Then again, you tend to judge yourself a little too harshly.

Ugh, this isn't the time to be thinking about that. You've still got a game to play!

Dave has already grabbed the cards and is shuffling.

"Welp...looks like it's down to us..." Dave says. You can't be sure, but it seems to you like Dave is somewhat at war with himself over the ending of this game. You have a pretty good idea why that is, though.

"Look's that way. Good luck...you're gonna need it!" You say with a wink as he hands out the cards.


	56. Hand 52: The Final Countdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The game reaches its conclusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Vriska/Rose/John interlude was written by SideAnon. The game stuff was by me.

**== > Jade: Assess Stakes.**

It's down to you and Dave now. He's got an advantage on you by one, and if you lose here then it's all over. Operation Get Dave Naked will have gone down in flames so close to the finish line.

It's not like you didn't get some good times out of it, though. Even if you don't win, you gotta admit that you did some things that you're pretty damn happy with.

But why think like that? C'mon, you're so close! You just have to win two more times! You can do that. Like...totes.

Hmm...let's see now.

**You've got: 5(D), 5(H), A(D), Q(S), 7(C)**

Ok...you've got a pair. That's better than things could be. Of course, it's a pretty low pair. You could just keep the fives and hope for another from the draw...or maybe some other pair.

Also, you could keep one of your higher cards trying to gamble on scoring a higher rank two pair. After all, it's just down to you and Dave now. The playing it safe strategies in practice before aren't as surefire anymore, especially with this particular pair.

Any of those strategies is viable. Either has a fairly equal chance of saving or ruining you. You guess it's up to your gut now. There are no more chances if you screw up, though. Mess this up and you've just punched a one-way ticket to Naked Town: Population Four, Soon to be Five.

**== > Jade: Be Vriska Again**

Ooooooooh, come 8ack for more? Want to tell ol' VRISKA them's the 8r8ks? Y8h well, you can cram it wh8re the m8ns don't shine. It's only a lousy stupid G8ME OF CARDS, not like th8re was 8nything IMPORTANT riding on it.

Wow, even your soliloquies think you're a piece of shit. Or is that you biting back the soliloquy? Pull yourself together SERKET. It's no big deal.

Yeah it is. Losing blows bulges. Winning is always a BIG DEAL. Just because you haven't played many GAMES where the loser didn't get eaten by a GIANT BITCHY SPIDER doesn't make the low-stakes games any less serious. What's coming home alive worth if you don't bring your pride back with you? NOTHING, just ask all your loser friends. You're sitting here alive tonight because you knew the score where every chump who's ever faced you and lost DIDN'T (your death notwithstanding). So fuck Dave and the four-wheel device he rode in on and everyone else in the room, 8ecause you might 8e out 8ut Vriska Serket doesn't t8ke def8t l8ying down.

Hmm. Maaaayyyybe you do need to UNWIND a little. Clearly you should have been CHEATING, like those two, but sometimes you just BUST. Bad luck is familiar territory. Nobody's dying over it. You can kick back and relax, with your elbows on your knees and your nook on display for these cheaters and chumps.

...Nobody's even LOOKING. Really? First you suffer the humiliation of LOOSING, then they don't have the decency to stare at your GOODS? Fuck'em, they can't handle how FA8ULOUS you are.

Well, except for Harley. But she's a got a GAME to focus on, after getting that EYEFULL of your crotch. What'd she look so worried about? Except the awful colors, Rose's Human Nook didn't look too different from yours.

Or maybe she's INNNNNNNNTERESTED? Of course. As far as you can tell every Human from Prospit is crazy about you, they're just too PITIFULLY SWEET to admit it.

Speaking of pitifully sweet humans...

John's been awfully quiet since his Boy Thing got out. Rose was saying something to Aradia about him a minute ago, but he hasn't made a peep. Is he ignoring her?

You could ask what's up. You could listen in. You could use your VISION EIGHTFOLD and spy.

You coooouuuuld play it safe and ignore them...

What you do is slide right over to John and lean into his shoulder. He nearly jumps out of his skin, but makes a noise that sounds like a greeting. Hey, if you're going to interrupt Rose's obvious advances, no time like the present.

“Hey Joooooooohn. How's things here in the chambered-legume gallery?”

“Uh... J-just fine Vriska. Maybe even boring!”

“Yeah, boring's the word. Can you believe I loooooooost?” You put a soft whine into your voice and give a little pout. “It's just not fair, now I have to sit around all exposed like this...”

“Yes, it is p-pretty embarrassing. I've been sweating like crazy here. Ha ha.” He actually says 'ha ha'. Seriously. “Can't wait 'til the game's over so we can put our CLOTHES back on. Uh, I mean, I don't know if you wanted to like play another, uh...” His voice is tight as a fucking drum, and sounds like it's going to crack at any moment. Gotta LOOSEN him up a bit, he's more nervous than when he lost.

“Oh I don't know. What's the rush?” You stare him in the eye, with a nice long lash-flash, before turning in repose. He was TRANSFIXED. You've so got this. “I was thinking after all this... competition, it'd be nice to relaaaaaaaax a bit. Y'know, together.” You gently slide a hand up to his knee. “We're the best of friends after all. We can't let silly little things like modesty come between us.” You don't know where you're going with this, but SWEET-TALK isn't about the journey, it's the DESTINATION. And your hand is on its way there.

“Y-y-yeah totally, friends. But, y'know, Vriska, I...” He stammers off, the closer your hand gets. Talking sultry with your eyes closed is supposedly dead sexy, so you just put your other hand on his collar and keep going.

“I didn't even want to play this silly game.” Curly little hairs. “I only wanted to hang out.” More SYMPATHY. “You know me and gambling.” He jolts like your touch is electric. It's rock hard, WOW. “I needed company...” With smoooooooth skin. Delicate creases. Soft dainty fingers. “Company like-”

W8.

F8NG8RS?!?!?!?!

**== > Vriska: React**

You can feel your previously UBER-SEXY face go slack as your eyes snap open all on their own. The first thing you see is Megido TITTERING like crazy. She could burst at any time. Your vision spins right so fast your eyeballs almost fly out.

John is BRIGHT FUCKING RED and practically glowing. Which would be awesome, except Rose is looking right back at you over his shoulder, eyes narrow and a GRIN building. And you can see both of John's hands still on his knees.

“Whatever is the trouble Vriska? You were saying something about losing?”

Oh no. Oh 8itch. No no no no no no no no. What kind of hoof-8east shit is this?

She's really-

Dude, she's-

Rose's hand is on John's junk. She's actually putting her HANDS on his BODY just like that? How sick is... Is...

Is this... Is this why John was so quiet? Why he wasn't paying you any attention?

Why he acted (acted?!) SCARED of you for a moment? Because he's- You missed-

**== > Make Her Pay**

You want to. Oh, you R8LLY fucking want to. You've alr8dy trounced one slut with your 8ARE HANDS tonight, you can t8ke 8nother e8sy.

8ut, John's sitting right 8etween you. You PROMISED yourself you weren't going to fuck things up (like you always do) 8y 8lowing shit out of proportion. It was just a game. 8ut this has nothing to do with the game...

**== > Make Her Pay**

“Hey, fuck the game, it's over. I just wanted to take a little solace with John, one loser to another. It's been so tense in here.”

“How terribly ironic, I had the same thought. Pity we've had to sit here so much longer.”

“Uh, girls? It's all, uh, okay. Really.” There's something really stupid about whispering to each other around John's face.

**== > Make Her Pay**

Can you? Sure, you robbed Aradia of her dignity earlier and that was cool, and John would probably be duly impressed seeing you WIN again. But you don't want Rose's DIGNITY, you want her HEAD. Or at least her HAND, so it can't get in your way. And let's face it, two gods of the same esoteric FORTUNE concept fighting naked would go nowhere quick.

**== > Make Her Pay**

“Don't worry John, there's no problem. You should be fllllaaaattered, really. More choosy maybe, but flattered.”

“As if John's responsible for any issue here save existing. And being handsome.”

“Th-thanks Rose, and yeah, I guess I am, uh, f-flattered that you two, uh, but-”

**== > Make Her Pay**

C'mon Serket, think. ARGUMENT may not be your strong suit, but you're CRAFTIER than this bitch. You've been down and out before. Just have to beat her with something other than a weapon. Like words.

“Do not trifle yourself John, we can resolve this between us. We could hardly be the first diametrically opposed pair of belles in paradox space to court the attentions of the same timorous young man.”

Oh yeah, she's the Queen of Books. Sh8t.

**== > Make Her Pay**

“Well, this doesn't even have to be an argument, if you could just bring yourself to hate him in the next minute. Not like it would make a huuuuuuuuge difference.”

“Really, you're going to drag your alien polyamorism into this? Such arrogance.”

**== > Make Her Pay**

“Arrogance? I'm not the one who didn't even bother asking before-”

“Hey! John, sis, spidertroll. What the scrotum scorching hell are y'all three doing over there?” All three of you look at Dave with varying degrees of surprise and ire. He's as impassively annoyed as he can be without his shades. “If you keep wrestling over my pal's python like that, you're gonna snap it off, and then where will you be?”

Jade squeaks out an “ohmygod” through her hands, and Aradia's making a mighty effort not to laugh out loud (at you) with her face in her palm. You realize you can't feel Rose's fingers anymore, and John's already trying to collapse in on himself. Figuring it's time to pick your battles, you do likewise, retracting away to resume your sitting position.

“I mean, at least have the common decency to put on some jazz, wine, and negligees before you break out the impromptu menage-a-trois. We're trying to finish the damn card game here, give us a minute.”

Go fuck yourself Strider. “Yeah yeah, hurry up and lose your stupid shorts so we can wrap this up.” Just a little longer.

**== > Make Her Pay**

L8er. Don't RUIN this Vriska. Not now. Not this CLOSE.

**== > Jade: Consider hand.**

Rose, John and Vriska continue to be engrossed in their problems. You return to the matter at hand (heh heh). Your cards. You look at them furiously, as if trying to coax the right answer out of them.

"Thinking hard, there?" Dave says.

"It's a big decision," You reply. He stays quiet after that. He doesn't rush you. You allow yourself to look back at your brother again. He looks nervous and uncomfortable as the two girls fighting over him continue to fight their passive-aggressive battle with their eyes.

"What do you think they're up to now?" You ask.

"Something stupid, probably. I tell you, this whole place is just one giant clusterfuck of romantic entanglements. It's like navigating this huge minefield of shitty emotions. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty much ready to be done with this whole business. Put out the 'sold" sign and just take myself off the market. Officially declare myself and stop dealing with with overly convoluted horseshit altogether." Dave says.

"Oh yeah?" You say, trying to sound casual. "Feel like...maybe sharing your plan? Give me the rundown on the 'sticks and stuff?"

"I'd like to, but you know how it goes. Gotta keep that on the D-L. It's vital information and shit."

"Oh, well ok. I was just wondering if I should keep my schedule open is all. Because if you're saying you have something else planned..."

"Hey, all I'm saying is...you know...don't make any long-term plans yet because...you never know."

"I'll take it under advisement." You let yourself smirk a bit.

"So...you gonna take some cards or what?" Dave asks.

Hmm...moment of truth.

**== > Jade: Keep the 5s, go for a three of a kind.**

You hand Dave three cards. He hands you three back. You pick up those cards. An ace, a ten and a six. Well...shit. You're pretty sure that ace came up last, though...so it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway.

Dave takes three cards for himself and he runs his hand through his hair.

"Okay," he says. "Let's see it."

You lay down your hand. He looks at it for a few seconds.

"Welp...how about we call it even? We'll do like this tandem stripping thing. It'll be great," Dave says.

"What do you have," you say simply. You figure you know what's up and what he's trying to do.

"Who gives a shit? Let's just-"

"Nope. I want to see."

Dave sighs and lays down his cards. He has two pair, queens and 6s. Yeah...you were expecting something like that. You let out your best heavy sigh and stand up. Dave looks pretty conflicted, but seems to have given up trying to protest your choices at this point.

You feel your face flush as you hook your thumbs into your panties. So okay...yeah you knew this might happen. But...you still kind of hoped it wouldn't have. But...well, you had a good run. Besides, the way things are going Operation Get Dave Naked is going to succeed. Just in a slightly different way.

You edge the panties down just enough so they begin to fall on their own, and they do just that. You step out of them and gingerly move them to your clothing pile with your foot. You're still feeling pretty exposed, but you keep your hands away from your goodies. Dave won, so it's only fair, you guess. Lucky bastard.

You do the customary turn, making sure Dave has the best view and then look him right in the eye. His brain looks like it's till trying to figure out what just happened, and he looks a little shell shocked. It's pretty cute.

"Well...that's that. Congrats, Dave...I guess," Aradia says, smiling pleasantly, still blushing a bit.

"Oh, goodie. A boy won," Vriska says bitterly. John simply gives Dave a thumbs up. Rose seems to be moving near him and doesn't seem that focused on the end result.

Well...now's the time for action, you suppose. You stroll on over to Dave, trying to seem as casual and at ease as possible, even though you're kind of freaking out over your decision. You plant yourself right in Dave's lap. He's pretty much far gone at this point.

"Congratulations," you attempt to say seductively. You then plant a kiss on his cheek.

"So..." You say in a lower voice, so only the two of you can hear.

"Put any more thought into 'declaring yourself?'" You ask sweetly.

"Um...sure...yeah...definitely totes on that," Dave says.

"Well okay. Could you do me a favor then?"

"Uh...sure?"

"Hold on."

"Wha-"

A green light envelops you and Dave and you feel his arms clasp around your waist.

"Oh shi-"

And then the two of you are gone.


	57. Dave and Jade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of the Epilogue was written by me. The story returns to Dave and Jade at the end and that part was done by SideAnon.

**== > Be Dave.**

So yeah, you're definitely Dave Strider right now. And yep...Jade is definitely right about to take off her panties. You actually feel pretty jazzed/relieved about winning, but also, you gotta admit, pretty guilty because of what it cost to Jade.

Of all the different ways you pictured seeing Jade Harley naked for the first time, losing her clothes to you in a card game with four other people wasn't exactly high on that list.

And there they go and...yeah...that's some naked Jade, alright. She's blushing up a storm and she's looking right into your eyes and you're pretty much freaking out in every way imaginable. Your eyes are, of course, drawn to her pelvis. She's got a triangle of dark hair down there and-

You have to snap out of this. You look back at her face. This is not the time to perv out over there. You are the Knight! You broke all of these strip poker cliches and somehow managed to actually win. Oh hey look Jade is revolving and...yep...that's definitely some ass right there. Or rather the whole thing.

And there goes your higher cognitive functions. Your lights go out and you're just gonna sit here like a chump.

You're vaguely aware of people talking. Probably about you? Maybe? Who gives the shittiest of shits? You just saw Jade naked. That is pretty much the biggest of deals.

Then there's like this giant, attractive peach blur moving toward you. Your vision clears and...yep that Jade. Just walking on over like she's not totally naked and...THERE SHE GOES JUST SITTING ON YOUR LAP LIKE IT'S A PARK BENCH OR SOME SHIT.

Ok...you just have to hope she doesn't move...cause if she does...that's probably it for you. She kisses you on the cheek and you pretty much feel like the lamest dude in the universe with how much that flusters you.

Then she lowers her voice. Ok...that voice isn't exactly making you any less aroused right now.

"So...Put any more thought into 'declaring yourself?'"

What? Oh, right that stupid conversation where you pathetically tried to keep up your aloof persona.

Ok. Good line. Pull it together, Strider. Bust out your best panty-melting soundbite, which would definitely work if she was wearing panties...which you remind yourself she isn't.

"Um...sure...yeah...definitely totes on that."

What!? The!? Shit!?

Whatwasthat? No...you have to call a mulligan on that bullshit because...damn.

"Well okay. Could you do me a favor then?"

"Uh...sure?"

Ok...not exactly what you were expecting but-

"Hold on."

"Wha-"

Oh shit everything is going green. Shit, Jade, really?

"Oh shi-"

And then everything is green. It's like fucking neon bullshit green and it feels like you're rushing past a never-ending series of static shocks and then...you're in a room.

"iiiit," you finish.

Ok...you're in a room. The shitton of Squiddles, lab equipment and anthropomorphic-fauna-paraphernalia give you a pretty good idea of who's room it is.

Well...fuck.

Jade's looking at you and you're pretty sure she's found out some kind of weird dog-magic way to make her eyes literally sparkle.

So...you're in a girl's room and she's naked. What now, Cooldouche?


	58. John, Rose and Vriska Have a Feelings Jam Session

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This interlude was written by SideAnon.
> 
> > SideAnon: And if you were getting used to happy fun entertainment, I apologize profusely! I'm going on a self-indulgent rollercoaster, and you're all coming with me. Don't worry, everything turns out alright in the end.

**== > Dave: Be John**

Being JOHN EGBERT again takes a moment for your eyes to work. Green spacy stuff is bright. That definitely means the game is over, now that your best bud and sister and their clothes absconded to-

Time to grow up and say it Egbert.

Dave and Jade left to have sex. No biggie.

It's a huge deal, but you don't think long before your god-pants drop into your lap. Rose's doing.

“Well, shall we be off then? This room is rather stuffy.”

“Yeah, just need my, erm, underwear.”

“Don't bother, they'll just slow you down.”

You're about to ask what she means when she pulls her orange sun-robe thing on, with nothing underneath it. Damn. You hop up on one foot tugging at your pants, junk bouncing around, when you remember to fly and just pull them up.

“Heeeeyyyy, wait a minute.” Vriska? Uh oh. “Who says we're done here?”

“Well I do. John and I have a relationship years in the making to consummate, and this is a trite location.” What the fuck, consummate?

“Yeah? Who put you in charge of John?” She looks you dead in the eye. “You're not just gonna run off, are you Joooooooohn?”

“Well, I mean, Rose and I are, we've been-” Oh man, her face. This is bad, this is bad.

“I don't believe this shit! You're just DITCHING me now?”

“Please Vriska, you can understand how imp-”

“Fuck you! I'm his friend too, y'know!”

Being naked makes her shouting way scarier. “Girls, wait, please, this isn't-”

“This does not have to be a battle for John's-”

“You're damn right it doesn't, if you'd just butt out for once, you fussy-”

You put a wall of wind between them without thinking about it, when you see hands come up. Vriska gets the point.

“Vriska, my friend, there is a compromise here, if you will hear me out. I wanted to avoid a confrontation for just this reason, but you must listen to me for a moment.”

“Compromise? What fucking compromise is there in you dragging my John off to get nasty, and I'm left in the dust?”

“I was rude and abrupt, and for that I truly apologize, but this need not be the last and only time we-”

“Oh let me tell you about fucking rude, you grabby snarky little-”

More wind, holy shit how did this just blow up? “What... I think Rose means is-” C'mon John, you can do this. “You... We don't have to fight. We can...” We can what? There's no 'we' to it, is there? Two girls really l- Uh, like you. And the only way you can stop them from fighting over you is, well, to pick-

“We can stop thinking this must be an impasse.” Rose's voice sounds almost sad, like her Seer voice when she goes serious. Vriska wants to hear the answer too. You can't remember seeing that look on her face before. “Simply put, our eternity is too long and our realm too small to waste our lives tearing each other, and ourselves, apart over such instinctual possession.” Sounds fancy, but say what? “I've long held doubts about the necessity of romantic singularity.”

Does 'romantic singularity' mean what you think it means?

“The hell does that mean?” Vriska's curious too.

“It means... I have an unshakable emotional attachment to John.” Aw, that's sweet. “Not to twist the knife deeper, but longer than you have known him.” She grips you a little tighter to keep you from saying anything. “But that cannot invalidate your feelings for him, which I realize are every bit as genuine as my own. I could no more ask you to abandon John than you could me.”

“Just try me, bitch.”

“H-hey, c'mon Vriska. Let her talk. She's trying to be...”

Vriska's face trades angry for sad, and the thought trails off. Rose doesn't sound any different. “But I cannot deny that John has a place in his heart for you, something much stronger than friendship. And I cannot begrudge him.” Oh. Of course she's thought of that. Oh man. Vriska looks she's about to well up.

“Which is the true point. If you feel for him as strongly as I assume, you wouldn't want him to see us fight for his devotion, would you? Surely you agree he deserves better than that.” Vriska doesn't say anything, just looks mad and a little ashamed. You work your mouth for a second. Nothing comes out. “Nor would I. And he certainly deserves better than a demand that he choose between us.” Rose turns to look at you. Yeah, there it is. Aw fuck.

“He has every reason to reciprocate your affections. It's his nature to be so kind.” She's definitely talking to both of you. “I could never appreciate him so if it was otherwise. Or if he were harsh enough to abandon one friend for another.” Well, you'd never planned on abandoning anybody, but-

“BLUH BLUH BLUH, I get it already! We're fucking star crossed paramours destined for the same one true matesprit. Oldest, shittiest story in the book. And you know how it always ends? Bloodshed! Like passion is supposed to.” Now she's angry and sad at the same time. And holy crap, bloodshed? You'd stop them both if seeing her like this weren't so terrifying. “Now are you done stating the obvious, or is this crap going somewhere?”

“Yes, exactly where it started.” Oh please let this be good, please let it calm Vriska down. “We don't have to fight. I feel the three of us can come to an... arrangement.” The way she says it makes it sound like the kind of thing where you forget where your train of thought is going. Like, something people aren't supposed to say. You and Vriska slowly go wide-eyed at the same time. Rose smirks.

“Oh, okay, I understand. You're craaaaaaaazy. Makes perfect sense now!” Well, at least she's not about to cry.

“And what exactly is so 'crazy' about not competing for romance? Especially in this particular instance, over our particular beau.”

Vriska plants her hands on her hips. Everyone being naked is making this more confusing. “I don't know! Maybe that you're talking about fucking SHARING a matesprit? What planet are you from?”

“Rose, I'm not s-sure that's really, uh...”

It's almost funny. You kinda thought Rose just wasn't a romantic person for a long time. She always had a lot of ideas about being in love, like she did everything else in the world, but she didn't like to talk about it. At least not to you, which makes a bit more sense now since she was probably thinking about you. What she did say went way over your head when you were twelve. But let's face it, she was a little weird and freaky, and definitely had some kind of grudge against whatever people thought was 'normal'. Thinking back on it...

“I want you two to try something. Humor me a moment, and look each other in the eye.”

**== > John: Look Vriska in the eye**

You can't stop yourself from doing as Rose asks. Vriska does likewise, not missing a chance to look at you, but with this nasty accusing stare like this is all your fault. Like you know it is.

But... It doesn't last long. Some of the anger softens out of her face, and you're sure you're looking all wistful. Surprising how easy it is to meet her gaze when one eye has seven pupils, but it works.

You know Vriska is super defensive about everything, and pretends a lot of stuff she doesn't mean, like Rose and Dave and Karkat and some of your other friends do. But she's not really cynical like them. Neither are you.

It's like a movie, the way her gaze changes. The way she blinks. The way she looks like... Vriska's really going to cry. Just thinking about it makes you feel sad yourself. She looks like she wants to kiss you, spin around to music playing, but neither of you move. The air's too heavy in here to move.

“Now tell me, Vriska.” Rose's voice is a mile away. “Could anything, jealousy, spite, anything at all, break this for you?” She doesn't even ask you, assumes you can l-, really l-, fuck it Egbert, really love two people at the same time.

Oh god, can you? You just got your first kisses ever from both of them a few minutes ago. This is way too fucking much. Rose is certainly okay with it, even wants you to. But then...

You can't tell if Vriska looks more or less heartbroken. Mostly tired and confused. Like you. She makes like she's going to say something, but it doesn't come out.

“Uh, V-Vriska, look.” Don't stammer now man. “You know I- That I want to-” You can't say you love her? Rose will let you. “I won't let anything come between us, I swear. You know I'm not going to...”

She's not waiting for you to find your words. Oh jeez. She sighs, looks down, and... Smiles? It's a weak smile, but it's there. “Gotcha, John. We're solid as a rock, tw- three pupas in a pod. It's all gonna be greeeeaaaat.”

Vriska kneads her lip with her fangs, doesn't say lots of stuff for a few seconds, then sighs again and turns away from you.

Holy crap, your stomach is a fucking knot. What the hell did Rose do to you two?

She bends to pick up some clothes, just fiddling with them. Rose steps over and puts a hand on her waist. Every muscle in Vriska's body goes taut, and your wind powers stir up to separate them just in case. Vriska doesn't move as Rose... leans in and softly kisses her on the cheek.

Uh, wow.

You can hear some of her whispering. “Just so you know, it's not your strength and edges that make me like you.” Rose likes Vriska? They don't talk much. “It's what you feel the need to hide that makes you interesting. I only ask that you grant me one favor with my oldest friend.”

You want to know what that was about, but Rose walks past you to grab her other clothes. Your feet take you to Vriska, but you barely start before she cuts you off.

“Yes I'm okay. You don't have to ask.” She does not sound okay. “Nothing's different, everything was already coooooooomplicated.”

“I don't want you to feel like, like I'm rejecting you or anything.” There's not enough words in the world to say what you really mean.

“I'm a big girl, John. I can handle a bad break.”

“But, but it's not-”

“Yeah, I was there too, I've heard enough about it. We can talk later.” She sucks in a breath. “I promise we can taaaaaaaalk. You two go do your human thing. You've earned it.” There's a hard note in the end that makes it clear the conversation is over. You've never been more worried in your life, but it's clear there's nothing else you can do.

It's almost a relief. Not that you want to blow away from your friend, but... What can you say now? You grab the rest of your god stuff, and give Vriska one last look. She's not angry, or about to cry.

Doesn't look like she's feeling anything.

Rose is waiting out in the hall, and gently takes you by the arm once the door is closed.

“Uh, Rose? Where are-”

“My bedchamber, where else?”

“Wait, hang on. Please? Can we talk about this a little?” Rose stops in her tracks, and takes a moment to compose herself. “Yeah, you're definitely not really okay with this, are you?”

When she turns around, her face and voice are pure control. “I meant every word that I said. I want to stress that. I do not deny that... my emotions are heavily guiding me, but everything, then and now, I'm doing for a reason.”

“Yeah, I know, you want to, I guess, make out some more? And not make Vriska mad?” It's way more complicated than that, but you're in over your head. “But why are you being so... hardcore?”

The answer is a kiss. It's a wonderful few seconds. “Because you brought me to life once, and I've waited a long time to return the favor.” Okay, that was just sexy. “And this evening has brought to light some issues that required a resolution, sooner better than later. At the risk of a deus ex magicka, I had an insight that engaging here, and keeping my... options open, would prevent a greater catastrophe from hesitating in declaring my affections for you.”

“So, you told Vriska you're cool with all three of us being, uh-” Physical? Whoa. “-in lo- a relationship,” Whoa, “because of your seer powers?”

“Of course not. I trust in my instincts more than any silly powers.” She does now at least. “As soon as I realized Vriska was in competition with me, I knew exactly what to say. I suppose I've known all along that this day would come.” She's serious about the everybody being in love thing? “And however intangible and threatening it may all feel now, I promise, with time and honesty, this hideous knot of adolescent necessities will resolve itself favorably.” You can only hope, but what- “For all of us.”

Whoa. “So, wait...” You have to ask. “That stuff with you and Vriska, where you said-”

“You know better than I that under all that bluster is a complicated young woman in need of companionship.” Rose sighing is a great sound. “I can't stop her from being a factor in your life, and after all we've been through, I wouldn't deny it of her. So she must be a factor in my life too.” Wow, that's so sweet. “And like I said, I'm keeping my options open. You know how terribly curious I can be.”

That grin. Whoa.


	59. Butterflies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This interlude? Yeah, also by SideAnon.

**== > John: Be Vriska**

“I'm a big girl, John. I can handle a bad break.”

“But, but it's not-”

“Yeah, I was there too, I've heard enough about it. We can talk later.” You steel yourself for the only thing you can say. “I promise we can taaaaaaaalk. You two go do your human thing. You've earned it.” You want to 8ite your own tr8orous fucking tongue off, but his calm is inf8ctious. 8eing around him 8lunts your 8dges. M8kes you 8a88le shit you don't m8an. 8nd a lot of sh8t you m8an w8y too d8mn much.

He's k8nd enough to stop t8lking. You idly fum8le with clothes until the d8r shuts, then drop your p8nties and st8nd there like an idiot st8ring 8 the floor.

You are VRISKA SERKET, and you wish you felt like shit, 8ut even shit has su8stance. You just feel empty.

You wish you could 8e proud that you didn't tear Rose's head clean off, like every fi8er in your 8eing wanted. Arr8ngements? F8vors? How D8RE she? Love is all A8OUT comp8ition, proving you're the 8EST. Rose thinks she c8n overturn universal truths of the h8rt with a little speech? No godd8mn w8y.

You wish it was this new pang of self-control you're working on that stopped you from fl8ying her, 8ut you were just fla88ergasted. She is a8solutely crazy.

You wish you could 8e sad that John left you 8ehind, 8ut he didn't. Not really. He still loves you. You know it. You could FEEL it. John would h8ve said it, if he wasn't so adora8ly tongue-tied all the time. It 8n't over, not forever or even now. It can still work. Even knowing that Rose is off 8anging him doesn't change that.

He c8res so much a8out you.

You wish you could 8e disgusted 8y those two, with all their nasty HUM8N emotions. If Rose was the newcomer in his life instead of you, there'd 8e no contest.

R8lly? Are they that good for each other? 8etter... No, as g8d as you?

You wish you could 8e as angry as your instincts tell you, 8ut... What's so wrong with what Rose said? That 8itch. She loves him. You love him. He loves 8oth of you, 8ecause he's stuck with two options that didn't intersect until this fucking 8RILLIANT game-scheme.

It was written all over his 8eautiful face, his heart 8reaking 8 having to ch8se. Every moment m8de you pity him more, 8ecause no8ody knows heart8reak like Vriska Serket.

You couldn't do th8 to him.

Poor 8oy. You don't m8ke anything easier for him. Not like her. And he loves you anyway. And you H8 her conniving, manipul8ing, magical, 8etter-than-you guts. She's cr8fty enough to hold your own love hostage ag8nst you. You especially H8 her for being right...

Huh. Wellllllll, there's an idea.

You're not sure if you wish you could run with that, or stop 8eing so melodramaaaaaaaatic a8out a stupid fucking sk8nky card g8me for wrigglers. You wish you would just stop thinking at all for a while.

“Looks like you got caught in your own web, toughgirl. Doubloon for your thoughts?”

Why would life stop picking on you now? “Piss off, butterfly. I've got way bigger problems than you to bother with.”

Aradia puts an arm around you. It's nearly 8itten. “It's not easy, is it? Some things just don't go the way you want.”

“Yeah noooooooo shit. Gloat all you want, I went bust again.” She doesn't move. “You were quiet as the dead during my heart-ripping. I forgot you were here.” You give her a toothy grin. “I think I liked it.”

She turns to not-really-hug you, 8ig fat tits squished in your side. Lucky p8sant whore. “Funny how I used to hope you would ignore me. Y'know, as much as I hate your immature little episodes, I think I hate seeing you upset more.”

“Oh stick a bulge in it. You didn't look too sorry when you beat me to death next to your old boyfriend.”

“You know he wasn't my boyfriend, and... We were different people then. Literally.” She ruffles your hair 8etween your nearly intangi8le wings. “Besides, look how that worked out.”

Just shut uuuuuuuup. “If you hate seeing me upset, why didn't say something when I was being dumped?”

“Because you weren't.” Don't even st8rt. “I promised myself if it turned ugly, I'd rewind and warn myself. Clearly everything was fine.”

Is that's what she calls... Why the fuck are you having this conversation? You owe it to John to spend the rest of eternity moping over him. 8ut now this old witch wants to spar some more?

Fiiiiiiiine.

**== > Vriska: Be Aradia**

You are ARADIA MEGIDO once again, with your arms wrapped around the most pathetic naked girl in paradox space, also once again. You don't know why.

“I'm no stranger to romantic complications myself. It's hard. It's hard, and you think nobody underst-”

“Oh shit, you're not gonna mope about Sollux and Fef again, are you?”

“You caught my drift, so I'm not.” You weren't anyway, but it distracted her.

“Thank god. I need your prooooooooblems like I need my horns snapped off.”

Vriska might be the dumbest person ever. From the outside, you can appreciate what Rose was saying, outre as it sounds. But Vriska doesn't know when she's beat or when she's won. She never has.

“It's not like you have much to be upset about. Yes, it's painful that you don't get to spend time with John right now, but it's not-”

“Shut up, just shut up.” She shivers to her bones. “This ain't over, and it ain't as complicated as you and Rose are trying to make it.” Always fighting against the whole world, then fighting herself when she loses. “Quit bugging me, alright? So you feel sorry for me, big deal. Like I want your fucking pity at a time like this.”

Is that what it is? She's certainly pitiful, but... pitiable? Honestly, you hate her weaknesses. Especially how you know there's a loveable troll somewhere in all that easily shattered armor. That she refuses to admit its there, no matter how obvious. The way she wallows in self-pity, mentally masturbating in isolation until she remembers how to be a hardass.

Wow, that's a weird image, after what she... Gives you an idea.

“Surprising to hear that. Seemed like you couldn't get enough of my attention a few minutes ago. Or any part of me. I think I'm still stained on your fingers.”

Oh yeah, that pissed her off. Vriska breaks loose and bears every fang. “I don't know what's woooooooorse, that you're bringing this shit up now, or that you're hanging it over me!”

Here we go with the fighting. She thinks she can intimidate you by getting in your face. She's wrong. You grab Vriska's horns, and with the momentum of insult, plant your lips together. Sure, she tries to fight you off. But not very hard.

The growling turns to grunting, then soft moaning as she slowly melts against you, hands shaking on your back. You could love the gasp she makes separating. You hate that it's already familiar.

Her breath catches when you step away. “H-Hey, just 'cause I'm not in the mood doesn't mean you don't still owe me some satisfaction.” Hilarious.

“And who said I'm in the mood? You already took care of that.” You give your hips a little shake as you walk back to your clothes. “Thanks, by the way.”

“What's your deal Megido?” She can't even glare at you properly. “First you come over rubbing your boobs on me with your lame excuse for romance, now you're trying to squirm out of your debts?”

“Maybe I just like fucking with you.” The double meaning puts gears in her head grinding. Eight different emotions crawl over her face. She needed distracting, before she does something crazy. To herself or otherwise.

But Vriska's shamefully easy to distract. “First, screw you. Second, why?”

The same reason you first joined this ridiculous game and made a fool of yourself. And why you don't regret it. “Because an eternity is too long to spend feeling sorry for yourself. I'd say nobody knows that better than me, but you've been dead too.” The honest fear in her eyes is worth the truth. “And I wouldn't wish that loneliness on you. Not again. Not anymore.”

While she processes that, you pick up your clothes. Then hers too, when a really awful idea seizes you. “What are the fuck are you doing with my stuff?”

“Tidying up. Do you want me to fulfill my obligations here?”

“W-w-, no, but what...”

You walk towards the door, carrying two outfits and wearing none. The implication sinks in. “You didn't think I was going to make it easy, did you?” You're tired of being a lot of things, including embarrassed. Hormones or not, you enjoyed being confident tonight, and already Vriska's love for a contest of wills is overcoming her instinct to crawl into her web and hide.

It takes a few more kisses to convince her, but she won't miss a chance to show you up. Yes, you know exactly why you're doing this.


	60. An Epilogue on the Rox

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first two thirds of this epilogue were written by me, the rest by SideAnon.

**== > WhoeverYouAre: Be Roxy.**

You stop being whoever you were just now, embroiled in whatever romantic conflict you were just experiencing, to put on the comfortable shoes of Roxy Lalonde.

You are currently enjoying a beverage. And this beverage may or may not contain a substance that ends in "hol." Granted, the chances of said substance not being in your drink are rather remote, but you like to keep a certain degree of mystery.

You are currently sitting at a table, across from a rather luminescent alien. An abandoned deck of cards is nearby. You had finally corralled said alien and her two friends into a game of chance where CLOTHING WOULD HAVE CERTAINLY BEEN REMOVED when suddenly an unidentified red substance appeared out of nowhere and covered one of the players.

While hilarious (especially once you got a good idea what it was), it also had the effect of derailing any chance of the game taking place. And so...here you've been, knocking back drinks (whatever they may be) and having...well, very little conversation, to be honest. It's actually getting a bit awkward. You were about to call it a wash and simply stagger off back to your room when suddenly something catches your attention.

And...yep...there goes your DaughterMom. She's got John by the arm and both of them only seem half dressed, carrying the rest of their clothes. She's definitely not wearing any underwear under that. And judging by the the occasional bounce coming from John's pants, neither is he.

She catches sight of you, goes a bit red in the face and then urges John at an even quicker pace past you and Kanaya.

Yep...it's official. Your DaughterMom is getting more than you. That's both very weird and also kind of depressing.

Kanaya has a small tiny hint of green in her cheeks as they pass. You think about catcalling after them but...nah. The teasing can come later, you guess.

"Well...guess that means their game is over and now everyone is going off on their own personal sexventures," you say, a little more bitterly than you probably intended.

"Isn't that at least a little strange to you?" Kanaya asks.

"Well, yeah...totes. I mean she's kind of my mom and also apparently my daughter, so it's kinda skeevy to think of her off...ya know...cavorting. But also, there's this kind of kinship dealie between us, I guess? And it kind of makes me want to go...ya know...good job and give high fives and such. Ya know what I mean?"

"Um...no?"

"Pssh, yeah I guess I don't really know either. Point is, they're going off to bang, and that has stirred up some complicated emotions and shit."

Suddenly you hear footfalls coming your way again.

Aradia runs past the kitchen, completely naked. Her large breasts bounce as she runs past without so much as a sidelong glance, her arms full of clothes.

"Huh," you say, nonplussed. Kanaya's eyes are almost impossibly wide.

Then, not twenty seconds later, more footfalls and Vriska follows, just as naked. She seems to be in pursuit, and given the lack of clothes in her arms you can guess why.

Kanaya's face goes bright jade but her eyes follow Vriska all the way until she goes out of sight.

"So...is it just me, or is everyone getting lucky but us?" You ask.

"W-what?" Kanaya says, stammering.

"Seriously...just look around. Karkat and Terezi go off to do their weird shit, John and RosDaMom go to their little rendezvous, Dave and Jade probably are off doing their thing and now Aradia and Spidertroll are playing some kind of erotic chase game, I guess? I mean...what the hell? How did we miss erotic funtime day signup?"

"Um..."

"I mean...I'm a pretty good looking gal, right? And you are too...so...ya know...what's up with that?"

Kanaya doesn't say anything. She just looks kind of flabbergasted.

"In case you didn't...ya know...get the hint, I'm giving you an opening here to totally take advantage of me in my vulnerable state."

"I...uh...you...what?"

"Well...c'mon...I'm like hella intoxicated and not making good choices or something. And you can come riding up on your white horse with like your vampire charm and be all 'Roxeeeeeeh' in like this genteel southern accent and I can be all swoon swoon. It'll be just like those really trashy books you read, except real and involving me so...ya know...100% better."

"Y-you mean...you...and me...now?"

"Psshyeah. And might I just protest the criminal lack of wooing going on right now? I mean...you're the vampire and I'm having to do all the seduceerizing. At least meet me half way or something...damn."

"Erm..."

“You're a creature of temptation, and can't even ravish a drunk little girl. I need to work on you more.”

Kanaya makes her usual nonplussed bashful noises, when you hear more footsteps. You both turn to see Jake enter the kitchen, fully clothed but rigid stiff with eyes like saucers, and head straight for the fridge.

“Heya Jake, what's shakin'?” You know exactly what's shakin'. Whole lotta shakin' goin' on. “You look like you've seen a ghost.”

“Not far from I fear. Not phantasms but fairies.” He's doing his Great White Hunter schtick but he's too turned on. “Vriska just ran by-”

“Yes we all saw them. It was an immensely shameful display.” As if Kanaya thinks she can fool anyone. So cute.

“Did you know she has b-blue... uh-”

“Nipples? Yeah, how cool is that?” He wouldn't finish it.

And that's when it hits you, watching Jake and Kankan fidgeting wordlessly. You're supposed to be footloose teenagers, with modern morals and no respect for societal norms, and a burning attraction to each other's hot hormonal bods. Yet its yours and Jake's hoighty toighty doppelgangers and all these dang trolls getting it on.

You two are genetically destined to be knocking boots, and he's fumbling with a pull-tab like its an alien nip, while you make small talk with a wannabe librarian.

“Alright,” you announce, slamming your hands on the table to pick yourself up, “I am bored as shit, and starting to feel insulted.” That's not all you're feeling.

“I do not recall anyone insulting you, Roxy. Perhaps you should sit back down before you fall back down.”

“Nuh uh vampy, I'm on a mission now.” Your nearly empty Cuervo doesn't stay behind. “Eight of our friends are doin' it RIGHT NOW, and everybody thinks I'm the hussy. Me!” A knock back. “And I would be if- glaHAH –if we weren't all such stuck-up well-mannered kids!”

“Astounding. You've managed to be insulted by our peers overtaking your undeserved infamy. You really must calm yourself before something regrettable happens.”

“Damn straight, that's the idea! Now you two wait right here, I'll round up my bro and Ja-anie. And I guess another troll or two, to make it fair.” You briefly ponder who to shanghai before your thoughts are overcome by the imaginary scent of cotton candy.

This'll be great.

“But come now Roxanne, the two of them are as familial to us as fucking familial as can be.” You'd think Jake'd be excited by both prospects, but he has a point. “Some pursuits just weren't meant to be... devilish cheating twist of fate that it is. I mean, Dirk is-”

“And what's that have to do with anything?” You don't wanna fuck him, now, but c'mon he's a hunk. “The risk of teeerrrrible consequences just makes it all the more exciting!”

To her credit, Kanaya hasn't absconded yet. “And somehow I've been appended to these new and surely lewd shenanigans.”

“Totes def, 'cause I'm gonna pry that stick out of your radiant ass if I have to go in there by hand.” That one got a blanch out of her. “You'll appreciate it, trust me on this one.” And the wink gets a gulp, sweet. Unbidden, your imagination conjures up what a glowing vulva might look like... Damn, it's on overdrive today.

“Now really Mistress Lalonde, you were wholly accepting of the game being aborted not minutes pri-

“Mistress eh? I like the sound of that.” Hmm, not much effect. “But I wasn't fine with it then, and I'm not now. We're all young, sexually-frustrated adventurers not quite bold enough to get around these fuckin' glaciers of respect we're supposed to hold each other in. Well screw that!” They're both a little perplexed, but you have them. “It's time we started acting our age and cut loose! And do it quick and do it worse, to show up those floozies and our ParentChildren.”

Is that a spark of interest in Kan's eye? Maybe, you talked her into it once already. At least Jake gives a shaky Here Here! - He's conditioned to cheer rousing speeches.

“To indulgence, maturity, and SEX!” You upend the bottle, downing the last mouthful of gutrot and backwash, then hurl it at the floor. It's unbreakable plastic, but in your mind, you hear a dramatic crash as you embark upon your mission.

The crash might have been you.


	61. More Butterflies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you guess who wrote this epilogue? I'll give you a hint: it starts with Side. It ends with Anon.
> 
> It was SideAnon.

**== > Aradia: Be Vriska**

Yes please, 8e VRISKA SERKET again. You're still a little t8ngled up in feelings and pro8lems, 8ut anyone else would kill to 8e you, especially now. 8ecause you're also t8ngled up in, you can grudgingly admit, the sexiest troll ecto8iology ever spat out 8esides yourself.

At least it's a distant second.

You could have caught Aradia any time you wanted, you're way faster, 8ut let her imagine it was a contest until she tried to take cover in her respite8lock. (Well, you're not gonna do it in the hallway.) You're also the 8etter tackler, and after the ancient Alternian ritual of Trial 8y Foreplay, named only in guarded whispers, you won the honor of riding atop her.

Some of that might 8e em8ellishment. 8ut you are defin8ly laying on her comforta8le curves, leaving Aradia to do most of the work. Only fair, after def8ing her earlier. To keep her in control, your fingers are 8ack inside her, palm in a gr8 maneuvering position, just as she has some digits worked inside you, with one free hand apiece.

To the uniniti8ed, you might appear as equals. 8ut you're on top, and already wrung an orgasm out of her once, so you're in charge here. That's what's important.

You'd never admit it to anyone, certainly not Miss Megido, but having another person's fingers digging around in you (F8N8LLY) is worth every fucking ounce of cr8p she gives you. She's clearly picking up your inn8 mad skills on the fly. Or something. If you hadn't despised her so much, you'd say you should've done this sweeps ago.

The two of you must look a8surd. Grinding each other raw over a pile of godhoods, your twiggy excuse for a figure (fit, you're just fit) writhing on top of Aradia's fat ass (why is she so damn hot), faces lost in a pile of 8lack hair. That'll 8e a 8itch to unwind, 8ut one more reason not to stop.

And so what, nobody can see you. 8esides, if you had an audience (again) you'd 8e too focused on humili8ing her (again!) to do all this good experimenting.

Okay, Aradia's like an audience, since you have to impress her. But your domin8ion is assured. Pro8a8ly.

If you can keep making her squirm, it sure is.

Currently, you're hunting more noises to squeeze out of her. Your fang hasn't pierced her nipple yet, clearly you're doing it right, if that 8reathy grunt means anything. She's also 8egging you to stop, 8ut it's sexy 8egging not the real kind. Letting go is like insulting her, with the way she shakes.

“Serves you right for hoarding all the titflesh. Seriously, what the hell girl?” The rhythm is softening your thoughts. “Oh what I could get away with if I had your boobs.”

“Paradox space has never known terror like a Serket who's actually alluring.”

“Shut your mouth.” A hard thrust does just that. “I am so alluring, and you know it.”

“Fine, actually fuckable then,” after catching her 8reath. She returns the favor, and taps your 8ony 8utt for emphasis. Damn her.

You retaliate 8y, gently, seizing an udder to massage an a8used nipple, reveling in the humming sound she makes on command. “Yeah, you might have me beat there.” It's as red and hard as a ru8y, leftover spit kept warm by her 8ody heat. “Fuckable is a quality better for peasants anyway.” Sa8otaging her 8attle of words, Aradia che8s and pulls you into another kiss, surprisingly strong tongue invading your mouth. As if to say, I'll show you 'pe8sant', like she can stop you from teasing her.

Not as long as it keeps earning you these kisses. You don't even realize how you're sucking her 8ack inside until she pulls your head free 8y a horn.

Oh cr8p. That look in her eye...

“You are truly helpless, you know that? Jealous, brooding, and horny. What a nasty combination.” Not this again. May8e if you growl she'll- “Good thing you're so easy to please.” Aah, ru88ing your horn-root, fuuuuuuuuck. “I mean, what would you do without a distraction like me?”

“I dunno. Hey, do you think Rose is any good at this?” Well she 8rought it up. 8oth she's even. The 8est retort Aradia can muster is a disapproving sigh while splaying her fingers inside you, squeezing at a gland.

It's a really good retort.

Fuck it, you'll worry a8out humans later. You've still got a 8attle to win...


	62. Karkat and Terezi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another great epilogue by SideAnon.
> 
> > SideAnon: I abandoned writing the dialogue with typing quirks, because it's a pain in the butt. I trust this will not diminish your experience.

**== > Karkat: Be Yourself**

If you were anyone else you'd be too disgusted to ever risk returning, but fine, you're KARKAT FUCKING VANTAS now. You are wet, sticky, cold, slightly bored, and you have a half-naked girl sliding down your face.

“Hey. Hey 'rezi. Hey! Just so you know, this is your own fault. I warned your about that human beverage. Look what it does to Lalonde. I told y-”

“Call me dog and I'll bite your ear off... Don't worry about me, I'm fine.” Cue soft giggle. “I just... need to catch... my...”

And she's out, head on your shoulder droning like a lazy wasp.

Thus ends nearly a half hour of tongue fucking. To the galactic queen of synthesia, making out is better than sex. One entry in the great tally of hoofbeastshit you put up with for a stable pairing. And for touching boobs.

Some would say you have no right to complain about having a girlfriend who will of her own accord initiate sloppy wet makeouts in the ablution trap. Yes, many audacious fools would kill for a sexual situation like this. The kind of ludicrous situation better suited to stag films with criminally blunt romantic entanglements, for Trolls who can't fill a quadrant to literally save their lives.

Of course, and you'd sooner kill yourself than admit it aloud, but whatever your pretentious friends must think, Pyrope is the girl of anyone's dreams. Not least because she'll have sex with you of all people, and by extension tolerates if not enjoys your presence.

There's something a little insulting that your only worthy (and willing) avenue to get intimate is a batshit loopy blind person. But you've stopped worrying about that. No really. She has so many delightful flaws to occupy your loathing.

“Hhhhh... Tastes great... Rrreeeddd...”

She's also why you're sitting in a SC3NT3D BUBBL3 4BLUT1ON short on bubbles but long on citrus concentrate and you're still wearing pants. For subjecting you to an INEBRIATED Terezi, Roxanne makes the Official List Of Those To Be Sacrificed To Preserve Civilization. It now includes Megido and all of her organs, Spiderbitch, both Lalondes, the red Strider, that implacable derpenstein Egbert, and...

By rights, Jade should be at the top of the list for recklessly teleporting bodily fluids. But as you so often find yourself wondering, you can't quite find it in you to despise her again. No, actually you can. She's just as dumb as John, they're only a gene apart, and she doesn't even know how stupid she is...

So why can't you stop picturing her naked?

“Yeah coolkid... It's too cold in here...”

Guess that's two of you with your heads elsewhere. It says a lot that you're almost excusing her. Fuck, the jealousy actually helps a little. Conflict is the spice of life. Keeps you both from noticing what terribly shitty lovers you've landed.

You're shaken from your rumination by a bony claw wrapped around your bulge. When did that get there? Terezi rises with an airy cackle, unable to keep her head up straight. This night just keeps getting fucking better.

“Sorry nubs, must have gotten carried away there. Feels like it was working though!” The emphatic squeeze was unnecessary, but she licks your lips mid-gasp. “You want me to do something with it?”

“Well, as long as you're offe- YES FOR FUCK'S SAKE! Do you have idea how painful that is?”

Oh god, don't twist it. You start to get up for a better position, but she holds you down. “Alright, gimme a sec.” Deft fingers half-remove, half-tear your soaked trousers aside, stopping so very shy of the contents. “I'm gonna try something I thought about. I bet I can do this underwater...” A gulp of air and down she goes, yawning at your raw meat like a beast of the deep.

“And remember what I said about your damn teeth! As savory as it might be once, it won't grow back if you get greedy!” She can hear you through the water, letting out a stream of bubbles. After a second, she breaks the surface in violent convulsions before draping herself on you. The sound of Terezi choking to death and laughing her ass off at the same time is as wondrous as it is heartbreaking. Considering what you just lost for duly warning her, you wait a strategically cruel few seconds before pounding her back to help the water out.

You need to stop thinking about those other assholes anyway.


	63. John and Rose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was all me.

**== > John: Prepare for imminent sexual encounter.**

Oh man, how could you possibly do that? You're still having a hard time getting over the fact that you saw a naked girl (several, in fact) and that some how for some reason one of them wanted to kiss you, and then wanted to get more familiar with Egbert Jr. from downstairs.

Okay, that weirded you out. You're using penis metaphors now. Clearly this situation is affecting you adversely.

You try not to think about Vriska. Things are complicated enough with Rose. You certainly didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings or anything. For what it was worth, Rose did a good job making peace. You doubt you could have done that. Especially not when the topic at hand was which girl wanted you to...do the honors, so to speak.

Rose looks back at you, and she smiles. And damn if it isn't one of those infinitely complex ones, either. It's sweet on the surface, but with just the right amount of sensuality coloring the details. At least she's confident, you suppose.

And then...you're in a room. You barely noticed going through the door. The room is...very purple. Knitting materials are littered willy-nilly around it. There are also still signs of eldritch horror decorations, though less than you expected. The Sigmund Freud with tentacles poster is still here, though.

Rose sits on the bed and smiles at you once again. You sit down next to her with no fucking idea what you're going to do.

"John, I am getting the distinct impression from you that you are nervous," Rose says, somewhat slyly.

"What...no..." You stammer. "Okay, yeah. Kind of."

Rose giggles. Actually giggles. And damn, that should be illegal, because that giggling is not doing good things for your state of mind right now.

Rose scoots herself onto the bed proper and sits behind you. She begins to rub your shoulders. The effect is...pretty nice and calming, actually.

"Well...if it makes you feel any better, I am having similar problems myself. This is, after all, a very personal experience for me. I would assume the same is true for you as well."

"Um...yeah...heh," You say, fairly lamely.

"If it gives you some comfort, John, I want you to know there's no one else I would rather share this experience with than you."

"Wow...thanks, Rose. That's really nice...I'm just still kinda..."

"I know."

"I...you know...feel that same way about you. I've known you a really long time now and...you're special...and...I think I'm doing this wrong or something..."

"No. You're doing everything just right."

Rose pulls your head to the side and brushes her lips against yours. You find that your arms move almost automatically and wrap around her. You pull her in closer and let her original kiss linger on. And...yeah...okay, that's her tongue. She's playing for keeps, now.

You're not sure how long the makeouts last. Frankly, concentrating on one single thing is hard enough as it is. You just know it feels pretty great.

Rose breaks away from you and you're briefly disappointed before you realize that she's reaching for bottom of her florescent orange sari. In one quick motion she pulls it over her head and throws it away, and all at once Rose Lalaonde is very naked again.

You're staring...yeah, you're definitely staring. You've seen her naked before, but somehow, in this context, it's totally blowing your mind. You're in a girl's room and she's naked. Voluntarily. How in the hell did this happen?

You...you don't know what to do. What now? You bet Dave would know what to do. Not that you really want picture him doing...whatever he may or may not be doing with Jade right now. But you bet Dave is all smooth in a situation like this. The girl (WHOEVER SHE MIGHT BE) would likely slide out of her chair onto the floor with all that smoothness.

**== > Briefly be Dave.**

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit you have no idea what the hell you're doing.

**== > Be John again.**

Sadly, you are John. And are not nearly as suave in situations like this, as Dave surely is.

Oh...whoa okay Rose is pushing you over and she's kissing you again. You must have dazed for a second. Her legs are straddling you on either side and...yeah there go your pants. She just pulled those right off. Well, your body seems to know what to do in any case, because...yeah...it's definitely ready.

Rose grabs it for good measure, though, just to make sure. Oh...man. Keep it together. Don't blow it now...okay, poor choice of words.

As if sensing the tension is your legs Rose lets go. There's more kissing but she seems to be moving herself into position for...

But...wait. No. You're not just going to sit here and let her do all the work. You are not that lame. You are not going to be absent for your first sexual experience.

You wrap your arms around Rose and turn her over. Oh man, you hope you don't roll off the bed. Okay...safe? Yeah. She let out a squeak, but she doesn't seem displeased at this development as she grins up at you. Okay, you're on top now. That went smoother than it could have.

It suddenly registers you're one hip thrust away from...starting.

"So...Rose...are you..."

"Yes, John. I am."

No room for interpretation there. You move. Like you somehow knew you could all along. And then you're inside her and it's pretty much overloading your nervous system.

You encounter sudden resistance and you know what it means. Rose simply nods and you continue. She tenses and you wait. She breathes for a few seconds and then moves against you, urging your to continue on.

The friction is nearly getting the better of you already, and you've barely started. You breathe, trying to pace yourself. You focus every iota of your willpower into simply staying in rhythm and not losing it.

It comes to mind that this probably isn't all that elegant or exciting. You should probably be doing all these crazy erotic maneuvers or something right now, but really you just want not to mess up. You idly grab one of Rose's breasts and message it, and you kiss her again. She runs her hands through your hair.

Her hips are moving in rhythm with yours now and you know you can only keep this up so long. Rose begins to sigh. And you're just thankful she's getting something out of it at all.

Your body begins to move faster, more of its own volition than your prompting. Her sighs become small moans. Yeah...you really can't keep this up much longer.

You aren't sure how long it's been, but the friction, the situation, the noises Rose is making and just how damn sexy she looks right now are enough to send you over the top. You feel yourself gripping her tightly, and you let out a moaning grunt of your own as your loins begin to spasm in orgasm.

Rose lets out a shuddering gasp that becomes a moan. Your vision is still blurry from the afterglow but you look down at her feet to see her unclench her toes.

Then you look at her face.

She's beaming at you. She pulls you in for a kiss and it says a hell of a lot more than you probably could have.

When you finally break away Rose eases you onto your back again and she snuggles up next to you, tucking her head in the crook of your arm.

"Thank you, John. That was everything I hoped for. And bit more, I'll have you know." She's still managing to sound sly, even while breathing heavier than normal.

"Heh...thanks. I thought it was amazing too. You were, I mean...because...you know...you're great," you say. Stupid stupid dumb.

She giggles again.

"Sweet, as always."

The two of you rest in a comfortable silence for a while. Then you decide voice something that's been in on your mind.

"So...Rose."

"Yeah?

"Do you think like...this was always supposed to happen?"

"What do you mean? As in, were we fated to be together and share a night of stereotypical yet very enjoyable passion?" Rose says, teasing as usual.

"Well...sort of. Like with Sburb. Really, ya know, with how related everyone was I was basically the only one...you know...for you. We kind of cheesed that with the shenanigans and bringing everyone over but...well, I guess I've just always wondered about that."

"What brought this on?"

"The shoes." You say, pointing at your piles of clothes.

"Ok...you get points for taking that in a way different direction than I thought you would, but...could you elaborate on that?"

"Oh, sorry, heh. What I mean is...my shoes are yellow. Which is really weird as it's like got nothing to do with my color scheme. And then I saw that your shoes are blue. Which has nothing to do with yours, but...they kind of match mine. And mine match yours. And Dave's shoes are black like Jades dress thingie, and Jade's are red, like Dave's stupid outfit. Isn't...isn't that kind of weirdly convenient?"

"Are you saying the game was trying to set us up via the medium of multicolored matching footwear?"

"And other things, I guess. I'm just wondering like...whether you did this..."

"John, I'm going to stop your right there before you say something ridiculously stupid. I did this because I wanted to, and because I wanted you. You, and everything about you. Ok? I could care less about all this predetermined nonsense. All that matters is the way I feel about you, and I...love you, alright? So please refrain from trying to over-analyze our admittedly complicated situation and simply...go with your feelings."

Rose is blushing slightly. You guess you got her to get a little more sentimental than she planed.

"Ok...heh. Well...I love you too, Rose. It's nice to see you be so open about your feelings and stuff."

"Well...I'll make sure to think about doing that in the future. Just think about it, mind you. No promises."

You see Rose smile again before she buries her face in your chest. You lie there for a while before it become apparent by her slow and even breathing that she has fallen asleep.

You notice that you're feeling pretty exhausted yourself, both physically and emotionally. So many feelings. So much drama. Pretty damn fun though and...well...it had a pretty good ending too.

You feel your eyelids start to droop. Yeah. Good day. Good day.


	64. John and Rose: Wake Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another great epilogue by SideAnon.
> 
> > SideAnon: Ironically enough, most of these epilogue bits were written just a day or two before the "Act 6 Intermission 2" kicked into high gear. It was an amazing coincidence.

**== > Rose: Arise**

Once again, you are ROSE LALONDE. There would be addenda to that statement if your thoughts were less airy beneath a mountain of throws, covers, duvets, and the lovely afghan you've been working on. John's thoughtfulness comes through as ever. Surprising how natural it feels to awake with the heat of another person's body, being a unique experience. Unique as yet at least, and not for long if fortune remains your guide.

Really now, you're still doing the salacious young girl routine? So you've slept naked in a man's arms, that's a natural extension, but that part of the adventure is over. Now is the time for consequences.

And oh how you've lined them up.

You might be able to consistently bullshit the rest of the universe, but without the aid of madness, you can keep no secrets from yourself Miss Lalonde. After a bout of incredibly lewd advances, you actually resolved an emotional conflict by seriously proposing a trilateral relationship - a “threeway” if you will - between your best childhood friend and a very jealous woman you know capable of murder. That didn't stop being a thing. And then you practically led that friend by a leash into the most pivotal moment of your budding relationship, expecting him to remain anxious as to the brink of servile without a thought to his lasting impression. Only the gratification of the moment, if as much his as yours. You couldn't be more thankful, in mind or body, that he did eventually seize the initiative he so dearly deserved.

Would that you were driven by blinding madness, to defer explanation of your actions to anything but manifest impulses as lascivious as they are undeniable. Doctor Freud must be grinning ear to ear with vindication under his tentacles over there. He'd certainly delight in further hearing of your prior steamy visions involving said maligned maiden, even as you slept upon the man you went to such efforts to secure from her. Let alone your idle musings on others' eroticism within a fucking card game.

Whether curiosity or precognizance or libido, some facet of your mind has a lot of explaining to do. And we haven't even gotten to that damnable 'gender preference' question.

“You're awake, aren't you?”

Enough to look up automatically. There he is, rheumy but focused, hair disheveled, and handsome as he's ever been in the low sunlight. John produces a crooked smile as you prop yourself on his torso.

“I would swear I'm still dreaming.” You exchange the smile, but his keeps shifting. Why? “For a man in such an enviable position, you look awfully pensive this morning Mister Egbert.” It's either morning or twilight out the window. Funny, you don't recall the sun ever sitting at that angle before.

“I kinda thought you were too. Uh, pensive that is. You were frowning for a minute.”

Oh fuck. Time to ride heard on his impressions. “I've always been an uneasy sleeper. I assure you, my mind was completely elsewhere. I much prefer it back here.” You ease yourself down onto his chest, his arms enfolding you with just a hint of hesitation. “And as for you?”

“I like it being here too. Or, I suppose you mean, I was thinking about... Well, us.”

“Don't tell me you're still worried about destiny having a hand in our relationship.” That might be projection, but you've already nixed that. Just one of the things you think about as a seer.

“Oh no, no not that. Trust me, I know you want to be here with me. And I know I really love you...” Do go on. “It's just... I guess I was thinking a bit when I woke up, about stuff, and then I saw you frowning... I know it's stupid, but I was a little afraid you might have been, uh-” Please don't say, “disappointed or...”

To reiterate, oh fuck. You may be just shy of virginal, but you're conscious enough to know where this is coming from. Time to break out the proverbial big guns.

**== > Rose: Be Open About Your Feelings And Stuff**

“The universe has never known such honesty as when I said making love to you was everything I hoped for.” Murmuring into his neck might not be the best place for such prose. “John, we are little more than children, and it was a dramatic first for us both. And remains so now.” It sounds ever so slightly scolding, and you can't help but chastise yourself. You still have plenty else to worry about. How to put it? “I think... I bear some blame for your tribulation.” You did promise to think about being more expressive of your feelings, and you have. One second is all it takes to decide.

Judging by the cocked eyebrow, John doesn't even know where you might be at fault for anything. God he's lovely. “I practically dragged you into my bed, fully prepared to assume all the direction of a foundational experience of your life. Last night meant as much to you as I, and what I may have then thought alluring advances must have been intimidating, after how we've both spent so long politely avoiding any notion of this scenario.” Cold, but honest. He doesn't say anything to that. “This wonderful outcome aside, and I do mean wonderful, I owe you an apology for my possessive antics.”

You have to look him in the eye to steady yourself. Even under this weight, the gaze you get back is too damned friendly to avoid. He strokes your hair for a moment before the slightest pressure of his hands guides you into a kiss. It's not long, but it conveys more welcome and acceptance than words ever could. You don't even realize you're smiling until he grins again. Levity might be useful here. “And you had been... heavily stimulated for some time prior.” He chortles at that, good. “Under that cascade of pressure, reaching your peak in three minutes is nothing to be concerned about.”

It had to be said, but he tenses so very subtly as he rolls his eyes. “You don't say? Well. Thanks for the vote of confidence Rose.”

You trace a hand over his cheek and he relaxes instantly. “Don't you dare fear that I didn't treasure every single moment. In case you didn't notice, I was hot on your heels, and joined you at the finish line by a hair's breadth.” It's not a lie, and you felt exquisite, however brief the experience. You just had to put a little personal effort into the home stretch. Reciprocation, nothing less.

“Yeah, I noticed. That was a cool noise you made.” Indeed. You had no idea you could emit any such whining sound. “I kinda wanted to keep going when I heard it, but uh... my legs didn't really cooperate.”

“I don't blame them, I'm sure we both needed the rest. By the look on your face, I momentarily feared you were suffering a hernia.” Turnabout is fair play, John.

Whomever once insisted best friends cannot advance to another level of relationship could learn from you two. John starts an infectious chuckle that grows to a laugh, sweeping you along with it. Your girlish giggling surprises even yourself. You retaliate by tousling his hair some more as he pulls you into an incredibly strong and warm embrace. The immense post-coital gravity of two insecure teenagers instantly evaporates. Even with sex involved, it's as effervescent as the first time you two met in person.

Okay, technically the second time after all that waiting, the one that counts. The first time you were a bit dire and incoherent. All the more to appreciate him for.

“Thanks Rose, I knew it was stupid. I just worry about stuff sometimes, 'cause, y'know, it's important and all.”

“...I've a bad habit of taking aphorisms as warnings. I think the intonation that one always remembers their 'first time' led me to some unreasonable decisions. But I assure you John, I will cherish this experience forever, down to the last detail.” Especially the snuggling, that might be the best part. “And after all, we have the rest of our lives to improve.”

At least not all consequences need be terrible. And maybe some consequences can yet be rectified, if John is as wondrous and gracious a person as he's always proven. You do have plenty of time...

**== > Rose: Be Future John**

WEEKS IN THE FUTURE, BUT NOT MANY...

“I know I'm saying this all wrong, but it's complicated, y'know?”

“Sincerity is its own eloquence. Take your time John, we are listening.” Vriska mumbles in agreement, but you know she's impatient.

“Yeah, just, it's hard to concentrate when I'm, we're all, er-”

“If we cannot express our feelings when at our most exposed, then what are those feelings truly worth?” Rose has been a bit (more) weird since that poker game, enough that you're starting to worry about making her promise to express herself.

Vriska interjects but Rose strokes her hair to quiet her down. “Not yet, we've said enough already. You wanted an explanation from John, and you're getting one. We can both be patient.” She tries to argue, and Rose isn't having it. “Because you need more help being patient, before your mouth runs away with you again.” Then Rose smiles at you to continue.

“Okay, well... I guess there's not much else to say at this point. But that last part's the most important thing! It's not, it's... There's no competition. None, at all.” You mean that, but how the fuck do you say it? “It's not that either of you are better than each other in some way, you're different. And...” So much alike, so different, so much to love in two people. And they find it in you too.

C'mon John, you can say it. “Rose, Vriska...” You get a needy moan back when you rub her hips. “I love you. Both of you. I really do. And I know you've learned how to care about each other. And if you both think we can make something work... Then I know I can too. Nobody has to fight, or choose, or walk away.”

Hours if not days of pouring your guts out finally accomplished, Rose relents and helps Vriska up. Thankfully she doesn't go far, just falls back and crushes you into your chair, now a panting wreck. Your flesh bending inside her is mindblowing.

“See, that wasn't so difficult. I'd almost think you enjoyed it.”

“Fucg yuu bith, a can'd feel ma thongue.” Vriska's not really mad, but you hug her tight anyway. She goes completely soft, sinking harder into your lap. So great.

“Dreadful.” She gets up and steps over to you. There is nothing Rose can do that isn't beautiful when she's naked. “I promised I'd make it up to you, and I'm a woman of my word.” Without thinking about it, you start rubbing your hands over Vriska's chest while Rose kisses her neck. Yep, Vriska's totally limp now, making moans that sound angry, embarrassed, painful, and depressed at the same time. But they mostly sound like sex moans. She can't hide much from you, it's a little refreshing really.

“Doesn't it feel nice, not arguing about everything?” Rose does great coy voices. “We can read you, you know. It only takes compassion.” Vriska breathes a resigned agreement. “I knew eventually you'd come around to my proposition.”

“That's not all she's coming around.” Oh no, did you really just say that out loud? Vriska kinda playfully groans like she does with your usual bad jokes, and Rose takes your hands without letting up on the kisses. You're getting smushed under this girlpile now, but you said something stupid and they're both still having sex with you. Can't ask for better than that.

“I can't believe I'm entertaining this bullshit. It ain't possible. A troll like me and you two dorks? Just damn it all.” Not getting enough attention on her neck, Vriska twists to face you. You lean over to meet halfway and kiss the corner of her mouth, tasting some of Rose that dribbled over her face. This is so crazy perverted, it's unreal. She reaches up to grab your hair, doing anything to get closer while you keep pecking her cheek.

“I haaaaaaaate you both so fucking much. Conniving, agitating-” She loses her voice when Rose gently massages both of you with one hand. Where you're joined up. That is incredible. “But I'm... I'm proud of you John. Pitting two girls at odds over you, until they're so enticed they don't know who they're flushing for anymore. Couldn't have done it better myself. I didn't think you had it in you! You c-clever, t-tricksy little boy...”

**== > John: Ascend**

You never planned anything like this, hell no, who could have? But there's no getting away from it. Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and you are the luckiest guy in the world.


	65. Jade and Dave: Go Out With a Bang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter of this epic. Jade and Dave finally get to spend some quality time together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final update of this story was done by SideAnon, who had something ready for a while, and I'm really glad, because it was great.

**== > John: Be Past Dave**

Weeks prior, DAVE “THE BIG MAN” STRIDER did not have a single regret or conflict in his stone cold head, no sir. There's barely enough room in there for a viewpoint, since the rest is taken up with desperately thinking about goddamn anything so you don't explode like an atom bomb. You can only hold the fuse so long. Everyone in the radius better head for the fallout shelter, 'cause shit is going nuclear at any moment.

Counting time helps. Your internal clock abandoned you in that first stellar snog, but you're getting your focus back with every minute. Being a metronome is annoying sometimes, but you and sports aren't on speaking terms anymore. You're going to be Tha Bomb at sex, even if you give yourself an aneurism.

In combination: 6 minutes 12 seconds of hugging and wistful bullshit conversation about how you both waited this long...

“You don't... blame me? Do you? It must have been awful for you, waiting all that time to see me again, and then you can't even bring yourself to put the moves on me.”

“The hell?” Really, the hell? “Shit's static from the move shortage, after I burned 'em up. I've been breakin' it the fuck down to get your atten-”

“Yeah you got it. You got it years ago!” Don't worry boner, this is a good sign. “I was waiting for you to, well...”

“Hey, a smooth motherfucker has to know whe-”

Facepap. “Oh shut up Strider. I love your jokes, you know it. But c'mon. We're sitting naked on my bed.” How can a bucktoothed grin be that hot, goddamn. “You can stop pretending you're not the nicest guy in the world now. You want to really impress me? Just be yourself for once.” A man could get used to her crawling into your lap. Your mouth might fuck this up, so you do the first thing that comes naturally to keep it quiet.

...4 minutes 31 seconds of making out, minute twenty at the longest...

“Good thing we won't suffocate. Can't get enough of me, can you.”

You're not ready for her going stone still with a frozen smile. “Y'know, when I kissed you back on LoFaF, that was the first time I'd touched another person since I was four.” Oh great, the shot-to-death thing with Jack. That's gonna stay right in the vault where it belongs.

“I remember some bear hugs first, but yeah. Seriously weak first kiss.”

“It was. But there was a moment when... I had the best feeling in the world. How weird is that?” Shh, only comfort now. “Then in all that time, all I could do was hug John and Davesprite. I just wanted to kiss someone so badly.”

You probably said something, but the sound of your shit derailing was too loud to hear it.

“Aw don't get all weird Dave, I'm only saying...” Forehead touching, third base for emotions. “You don't know how long I've missed this, and I never really knew it in the first place.”

“Babe, I know your story so bad it hurts.” God that was smooth. Okay, kiss, and recover.

...3 minutes 14 seconds of heavy petting, two minutes exactly before your fingers got involved just as you planned...

“Jade? Geegee? What you doin' with my hand?”

“Something I've been waiting for since I found out what sex is. You do want to touch it, right?”

It's not like you weren't getting there. Been planning how to touch it for an hour. This should be balla, but damn, doggin' it is one of your natural strengths. “Yeah, mos def, but-” Don't hesitate. “-I figured you were more, I dunno...”

“What, shy? Prudish?” The mischief grin is sexier. Her skin is radiating heat.

“Well yeah, actually.” Hey she wanted honesty. “It's what made you so adorable. Sure you were nuts, but it was a nutsy girl-next-thing type thing. I'd spout off illin' furry burns, and you always knew how gross it was.”

And now the snickering's sexy, that's not even fair. “I was a little bashful, but that's why I loved talking to you! I remember you called me coquettish once, that was the hottest thing ever.”

Her tolerance for all the perverted crap you've said suddenly makes sense, but no time for that now. Jade holds your hand tight against her trembling skin, fingers finding their own way. Yep, you have digits inside Harley's body, and damn is it warm and soft and damp and made to touch. She's definitely enjoying it. So are your fingers...

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit you have no idea what the hell you're doing.

**== > Dave: Accelerate**

Then the big show, 2 minutes and counting of actual penetration. So far exactly one long-ass terrifying movement...

“No sweat if you wanna stop, I ain't gonna be mad or anyth-” Hard to tell if dragging a hand over your face was to shut you up or an involuntary reflex to putting the tip in. Might as well take it as both. Jade starts to slide herself down, but freezes when you grab her hips.

Enough of this puss beta shit, take some initiative dude. That's why you're here and she's past tired of waiting for you to get your shit straight. Doesn't matter how fucking honest apprehension is, so is being chill.

Second by second. Inch by inch. Her tongue hangs out longer the deeper you get, eyes scrunched shut behind fogged glasses. Feeling suave, you gently set the specs... somewhere. One eye cracks open to meet yours and yeah, she's loving this as much as you are. Great.

Then contact. The long shaky breath Jade was holding finally escapes when your pelvises knock, the shock running up and down her and back into you. Like, real shock. Can't feel the bed anymore either. You try rocking out for another thrust, because damn that was nice, but her hips are viced onto yours. She actually looks a bit pained.

“How you feelin' J-girl? Still with me?”

“N-n-no. Yes! Y-yeah, I'm with you just don't... don't move. Let's jus'ssstay here for a while. I'm good. I feel really really good.”

So you're not the only one losing your cool. That's kinda comforting, you were taking this way too seriously. And somewhere in that thrust, 'here' went from the squiddleroom to LoLaR... Doin' it on your sister's planet. Okay, that's pervy enough to be ill, sweet.

Which brings it full circle. Jade Harley is currently wrapped around your torso with a significant portion of your body getting right at home inside her. It's not going anywhere, for sure. You've long suspected that cuddling was really a great excuse to prolong shit for The Partner's benefit masquerading as tenderness. Be damned if it's not working. You can maintain. Just holding her as close as bodily possible for some quality necking, she panting in your ear while you scratch behind hers.

Never thought you'd be into dogs and it's a little fucked up but whatevs. Maybe you'll talk her into the eponymous style later, but thinking about that could hitch your trigger so you don't. Just sit back, stay busy, enjoy, and don't let it run away from you.

In the distance, you're both muttering something, but it can't be important. You're also floating ten feet above the beach because you can, and you're pretty sure the sunset hasn't moved this whole time. You don't know which of you two are responsible, or if it's supposed to be sunset right now, and you don't give one solitary fuck about any of that.

Time to admit, how this went down kicks to the curb all you ever knew of wooing chicks and making sweet love. Figures, you learned all you know from rap and Dirk, and one was fucking rap and the other turned out queer as a three dollar bill. It's still embarrassing what a bombshell that was to you.

“Da... Dave? What's wrong?”

Must have slowed down. No more introspection, you've got the rest of your life to swallow anxiety. “Not a damn thing. I'm right here darlin'.”

You shiver from the breezing air when Jade lifts herself up and just stares into you. Hold it. Hold. Don't flinch, be cool. Nah fuck be, you are cool. She smiles again with a big sigh and starts kneading your shoulders. Then... kinda laughs while shaking her head?

“What?”

“I think I love you, dummy.”

“Back at ya, chica.”

Even bleary-eyed with your cock in a hands-free grip, Jade's sharp as a knife. You need to stop worrying about junk, she can always tell. At least this time, the conversation ending full-bodied kiss feels less shut-Dave-up and more Jade-is-super-horny. She wants you to feel it.

It's probably dangerous when electricity becomes arousing. The sizzling heat and tunnel-vision doesn't wholly fade when you separate. Huh, on LoHaC this time. Fitting.

Oh hell, now she's moving her butt. You grab a choice cut, which is perfect in your grip but does nothing to slow her down. Harley's butt is telling you it's GAME TIME dude. Alright fuck it, thrusting for broke here, let's make this happen.

**== > Dave: Be Jade**

Being partially connected makes the transition easy. What a weird thought! You're back to being JADE HARLEY, and god daaaaamn this is the best you've felt in your entire life.

One thing you and Dave both know is rhythm. He'd call this one mad dope nasty to the hizz-bizzle or something. You call it heavenly.

You hope he's enjoying this as much as you are. You got into that dumb card game just to find out if he was playing around this whole time or liked you but was doing his weird Strider stuff. Or really liked you and was too nervous to say so, same as you. Of course! Dave's the knight after all. Your knight. He's cursed into being chivalrous all the dang time.

It's nice to see him finally express an emotion, even if it's fear. And the longer you rub his neck muscles... while having sex... the looser he gets.

You owe the touch. Those wonderful calloused hands have been in places you could (and did!) only dream of before, and every one was better than the last. You wouldn't think a firm butt rub would send as many chills up your spine as, well, that other place. Which wasn't bad either!

Yeah by now Dave could firmly stroke your elbows and you'd probably get plenty turned on. No telling how long you can keep this in.

It's a surprise you're still at it too. If you were doing this yourself you'd be done ages ago. But this feels a million times better and you never want it to end. You really are holding back at this point. Whatever's coming is going to be ridiculous huge, but you're pretty sure some of those fireworks earlier were a little orgasm. Nobody's explained how they're supposed to feel, compared to those you've felt before, and this is whole new territory for you.

Whatever! This is great, and it won't stop being great, and you're not going to be done until Dave is, because he needs it as much as you. No, forget that even. There's no 'done' to it, not at all! If you have any say in the matter, you and Dave will roll back and forth like this forever.

Except he and his body have a say in the matter too, and he's suddenly getting tense again. Oh jeez, oh man. This is it! Without thinking you lean in and whisper madly in his ear.

“Come on Dave. Let's go.”

Lame Harley, but he doesn't need encouraging. His body quakes as he buries himself in you, face, fingers, everything. Dave can't get deep enough, and your own body agrees. And then...

Its either your Witch Powers or Girl Powers but you can... FEEL(!) every last boiling drop inside you(!!!). Holding anything back is officially over. One of his spastic thrusts crashes into your most desperate one and you're far far away. This time to the skies of LoFaF, where you howl to your heart's content in a green thunderhead. It might freak Dave out, but he's your anchor so he'll just have to deal and be glad you remembered to move him too.

By the time you collapse onto his chest, you're back in your replacement bedroom, hot and sweaty and quivering and totally blissed out. Okay, for real, now you're done! Only enough strength to roll on your side, panting like crazy.

Panting? Eh, who caaares. You let out a woof for joy, feeling the heat phase through your flesh, listening to the long low sound of the planets turning. Correctly, that is.

Hopefully nothing catastrophic happened while you two tore up time and space. Oops? You put a lot of work into this solar system, it'd be really embarrassing if you two jizzed a planet out of alignment being frisky deities.

Deities. Wow. That never occurred to you before. You and Dave, you're Mother Earth and Father Time. So cool!

Does remind you of something important...

After Dave caresses your back for a moment, your head is clear enough to risk an idea. The electric tingle says Dave's spooge should be in the volcano without any of your guts. You actually feel sort of empty.

Sorry little Striders, this just isn't a good time. But you won the honor of being the first inside! Hopefully of many, many more.

You think you hear Dave ask what you're giggling about. Later you'll tell him about picturing sperm wearing sunglasses. But for now you give him a big wet smooch instead, before curling up to listen to his perfect heartbeat.

“That was awesome.”

“Word, girl. Being sex gods rules.” Fuck yeah it does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so ends this tale of strip poker and adolescent sexy shenanigans.
> 
> Once again I thank everyone who participated, especially SideAnon, who came through with some great content. Is this the end of Strip Pokerstuck? Who knows?
> 
> Who knows?
> 
> ; )


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